I get flack from W for my FB female friends. Truth is, I would be happy to "unfriend" all of them if she did the same with her male friends. I agree with you that having FB friends of the opp. s*x could lead to trouble. Maybe childish on my part, but once she got on and friended dudes (no ex-BF's as far as I know) I had no problem accepting friend requests from females (no ex-girlfriends, mostly girls I knew from school). I KNOW that she won't drop her male FB friends. Should I still be the shining example and drop my female FB friends?
I don't have any male FB friends unless their wives are my friend also, or unless my husband has that male FB friend, too. That keeps all the hands on the table.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I took the advice on here and "unfriended" all non-family females on FB. I didn't say anything b/c I figure she'll look at my friend list on her own and see it. She still has a few non-family male friends. I won't push it for now.
Really no update on OM and OMW. OMW never responded to my two FB messages. I guess my next step would be to use a pay site to find her home #. Kind of mixed on that. I'm pretty sure there has been no contact between W and OM for at least 2 months. I see the cell phone and text numbers and I can see web activity through a keylogger. Yes, I know they could be using other methods.
Things have been somewhat better for us. I'm sure my DB'ing is helping, but I wasn't expecting some of her responses. In response to the "new me" I've been told that I must be "bipolar" and things along those lines. I've been asked by W, "Who are you?" W has also stated that my changes and new interests must be b/c I'm having an affair. I guess I need to just keep doing this (DB) and be more consistent.
Just to be safe, you might (if possible) check to see if she has purchased a pre-paid phone. My xw also did this in an effort to hide her phone habits from me. It was on the bank statement.
I don't necessarily advocate 'spying,' but in my sitch, I had to know.
Last edited by Sgfan; 05/04/1009:35 PM.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
If you are sure there has been NO contact...then I would not pursue OM-W...but if you find out different I would pay the small amount to locate her...some of the sights list employers, addresses, cell phones, emails, etc...so you can take your pick...
But like I said, if she is not in contact I would rock that boat...you really have to pick that battle...and again, if I were you, everytime she mentions that you must be having an affair because of this or that...your come back should be "I am sorry you feel that since I do value my marital vows."...or anything along those lines...acknowledge, don't agree, don't defend, just state the fact that you value your marriage, vows, agreement, family, etc...no blaming, no pointing fingers, no explainations...
Thanks for the advice. I have to remember the "acknowledge" part, something I forget in the heat of the moment.
How do I handle name calling and negative comments? Ignore it? I've learned (for the most part) not to get dragged into a fight this way. Sometimes I'll respond along the lines of "Please don't speak to me like that." I then get told to "toughen up" or "...stop taking everything personally".
DRAW A BOUNDARY here. "I'm not going to talk to you when you're being rude and disrespectful. When you're ready to stop this crap behavior (hat-tip: Robx), you can come find me and we can resume this conversation."
And then you walk away. If she says the "oh, toughen up" thing, either don't respond or say "It has nothing to do with 'toughening up.' It has to do with being treated like a basic human being, and I"ve decided I'm no longer willing to put up with your crap behavior. When you're ready to stop it, and speak to be respectfully, you can come find me and we can resume this conversation."
(only do that last part ONCE -- after that, don't respond anymore other than the first part, which should be your response EVERY SINGLE TIME, a la broken record).
Thanks - I'll do that. It may not work every time b/c W is a chaser. Generally when I walk away W will follow me through the house until she's done. I've actually walked out of the house and down the street a few times to get away and cool off. More often than not W will later apologize or state that she doesn't even remember the negative comments thrown my (or the kids') way.
I bought The Five Love Languages book and have started reading it. Hopefully I can learn something.
W and I have somewhat reversed roles over the past few months. At the beginning of the year W was spending lots of time on FB, was talking to OM and was generally detached from the M. Most of our interactions were pretty nasty and I figured she was about to ask for a D. Before discovering DB I went through the clingy/insecure/accusing phase, doing things like asking about our M a lot. When I'd ask anything related to our M I'd get shoulder shrugs or "I'm just living day to day, that's it, I'm not talking about any of this."
I don't know if it's my DB'ing or the fact that OM is out of the picture (I think), but now I'm hearing relationship talk and words from her about future plans. Also, as I've said in previous posts, I'm getting accused of an A. I have pretty much stopped asking about our relationship. I'm not being a jerk about any of it, but I'm not bringing it up. W even recently asked, "You don't like me, do you?" That's something I couldn't imagine hearing a few months back. The latest is W is looking at bigger houses for us. I'm glad that some of this is happening, but I still don't trust her. She is a habitual liar. I know this b/c I generally get dragged into these lies that she tells family/friends at her convenience. I also know that she has lied to me several times. Not sure if I'm anywhere near ready to buy another house with this person.
