W still wants separation, need to DB more

[MrBond]

You did good although...

"I admit I was on the verge of losing my cool but I said nothing and walked out the room."

I don't know why you'd be pissed. She was sick, she was asleep, maybe couldn't breathe because of her allergies (believe me I know how it is).

Sounds like the old OIN creeping up. Keep an eye on it.

[robx]

Gucci,
I understand the point you are trying to make. I followed your advice, it failed me. My W did not respect me more, she expressed more resentment and confirmed her decision to leave.

how long did you follow that advice?
for a day or two?
what specifically did you do when you say you "followed that advice and it failed me"?

[robx]

So you guys don't think a foot rub is in order?

Coach if you're offering, you can rub my feet but be gentle because they're ticklish.... tee hee!

LOL!

[OfficerInNeed]

You did good although...

"I admit I was on the verge of losing my cool but I said nothing and walked out the room."

I don't know why you'd be pissed. She was sick, she was asleep, maybe couldn't breathe because of her allergies (believe me I know how it is).

Sounds like the old OIN creeping up. Keep an eye on it.

Absolutely not. I know what you mean but not what I meant. She was doing it on purpose and I wanted to speak out and question why she was doing it but I held back KNOWING and UNDERSTANDING she is sick, she is tired and of course she is stressed.

[MrBond]

Got it. My W would get in those moods too. So I just let it go.

[OfficerInNeed]

Yesterday was a drag. I felt drained and overwhelmed by the situation. Could be due to my lack of sleep due to work. There was not much interaction between us yesterday and when there was I would say it was fair..

Today I had a set back. Still holding onto yesterdays slump I found it tough to be "upbeat" I was cleaning the house when W came home from work. I asked W "Anything interesting happen at work today?" she said "hmmm?" so I repeated my self and then she said "ummmemmmm" I went upstairs and she called up asking if I seen an envelope. I went downstairs to help her find the envelope and she satrted to get nasty and say "It was right here and now it is not, who moved it?" I replied "I will help you find it, I would not had hid it from you on purpose." and she became even more irate prompting me to say "With your attitude you act like I took it and burned it" then I realized what I was doing....I found the envelope and laughed a little she said "nothing funny" I said "a little, because it was no that serious, we found it." Then I just went back up stairs.

W soon comes up stairs and tells me about something that happened at work today, so form now on I will not ask her how work went I will just let her tell me.

[gucci loafer]

Gucci,
I understand the point you are trying to make. I followed your advice, it failed me. My W did not respect me more, she expressed more resentment and confirmed her decision to leave.

You certainly haven't followed my advice. For one thing I haven't given you MY advice in total on what would work for you. You are ASSUMING what my advice is. I gave you one piece of advice that you haven't taken. So, no you DO NOT understand the point I am trying to make. I have followed every word of your thread. Don't tell me you have followed my advice when you have not. That is a lie.


Here is my advice and WHY?
That is.. YOU need to initiate a conversation. (did you do that? I told you a day or so ago that is what I would recommend) The reason is that nobody on this thread knows what your wife is thinking. The last we know as far as the marriage goes, is that she told you she WOULD NEVER FORGIVE YOU...

Since that time, it has been YOU that is reading into what her actions are. You are assuming things that may or may not be true about her feelings and actions. You don't know and I don't know. This has nothing to do with patience. Why?

Because we are trying to READ into things that we don't even know are true. For all we know she may be glad that you aren't arguing and she is just trying to keep the peace until the apartment her dad is fixing gets finished. (and she DID say something to that effect once or twice)

So IF THAT IS TRUE, then you really are NOT making any headway. She is just keeping the peace and hasn't changed her mind one little bit. Secretly she may be thinking she can't WAIT to get away.

She could also be thinking that she wants to stay and work it out. That is another guess by anyone. Why?

BECAUSE she hasn't SAID that. The last think about your marriage that she spoke about is that SHE WAS DONE. Right?

So you are assuming an awful lot of things that may or may NOT be true. There are plenty of red flags here that you don't seem to want to view as negative. A woman who is working on her marriage doesn't take her ring off and on depending on her mood for the day. She tells you she loves you. She is kind. She SHOWS you she wants to be with you by ALL of the little things she does. Your wife has done no such things.


What? Sleeping together in bed now equals that she has changed her mind? You obviously want to forget what she told you only
a few short weeks ago.. Didn't she say she would NEVER forgive you and it was over?


So, you can "hang in there" for as long as you want. It isn't going to change the fact that you are only guessing here. I showed you only 4 of the twenty plus men on this site that are doing it with that method that isn't working. You can deny that as a fact, but it doesn't change that it is reality and is a fact. Please show me the "hanging in there success story's" You won't find many, if any.


You need to initiate a relationship talk something like this..

"Wife, I have been doing some thinking. I know you have told me you are done with our marriage and you would never forgive me. I understand it if you still feel that way. I want to know if you still feel the same way because I don't want to keep trying to show you how much I love you if you want out. I just want you happy. So, with that said, do you want me to leave you alone and stop trying to be the man I should have been to you a long time ago or not?

THEN WAIT FOR HER RESPONSE... SHUT UP.....


You can't know where you are going if you don't have a map.
You are GUESSING. You are HOPING. You could be WRONG.


Now.. Where in that advice did I tell you to kick her to the curb or tell her that you were not going to give anymore?

Sometimes initiating a relationship talk is NEEDED. This is one of those times. Stop guessing and take charge. You may find her saying that she doesn't want you to stop what you are doing. You do however need to give her the freedom to make that choice. If you don't it only means you are still trying to control her by not saying an thing and will let it go on forever just as long as she does not leave you. That is FEAR
and control talking. That isn't love and freedom of choice. Give her the freedom to tell you how she feels about what is going on NOW. Then be ready to deal with her answer.

[OfficerInNeed]

You are right. Much of what I am doing is simply assuming. I've just been comparing to how things were to how they are now and what she has said before to what she says now. I read too much into what she says/does one way or the other.

I felt like I was making progress but I could just be ignorant to the fact she is just doing her best to deal with the situation till she can leave.

If I could just the a moment and express what I am thinking and why I continued with my approach....

Then: W would tell me she will do whatever she wants whenever she wants
Now: When W does something she lets me know, even though she does not have to, she just does.

Then: W would say "I gave you 10 years of my life, I am not giving you another minute" OR I'd get the silent treatment, W would not say a thing to me. W would not tell me how her day went, she would simply walk past me and go to bed and avoid me.
Now: W talks to me. Invites me to do things with her such as watch TV or movies. W tells me incidents at work and conversations she had throughout the day.

Then: W would tell me "I am very capable of doing things myself" W wanted to prove she could make it without me. She would go out of her way to get this point across.
Now: W does ask things of me. I am not naive enough no to think she might be just taking advantage of the situation.

What? Sleeping together in bed now equals that she has changed her mind? You obviously want to forget what she told you only
a few short weeks ago.. Didn't she say she would NEVER forgive you and it was over?

Then: W had made it very clear in the past, she just wanted to co-exist till the day she moved out. W declared her room and her bed. W made it a point to sleep opposite of me. I go upstairs she will go down and visa versa
Now: She feels comfortable enough to sleep in same bed as I. Her bed is still made and ready to be slept in if she choose to.

Then: W would say "Marriage is just a piece of paper" or "I am done with this marriage"
Now: W posting wedding pictures on the internet...I cannot say it means much or anything but two things. 1. W hates having her picture taken let alone showing pictures of herself to others and now her she is posting pictures of our wedding on a public forum 2. W knows I would view this as a sign of 'hope' and the last thing she wants to do is give me false hope.

I know you told me two days ago to initiate a R talk but she had been sick and could barely talk, she is doing better today in that sense but now she is dealing with the sensitivity of her teeth after her dental procedure. She said breathing alone gives her terrible pain....

[DaddyLongShanks]

OIN,

Things are progressing for you. I kinda talked my self into a new realization in dealing with these WAW(s)...

Do you guys know "ladder theory", look it up on google. The reading is short. In short its a theory of relationship management, IE: your trying to "get the girl" and her perception of where you stand with her, and how you can change categories, etc.

Many of use where the WAW is still with an OM have moved us from H role, to something sometimes less than a "friends without benefit" role.

She moved OM into much of the H role, and in her mind and body thats may be what he is.

To move from a "friends without benefit" role to a H or OM role is very hard because it requires a change in perception by the W. It may be harder to make this move, than if you where never H in the first place because she built up a laundry list of complaints on you.

Think of it that way. WAW IS NOT YOUR WIFE. You are not H to her, so how to you assist with that change in perception?

It also illustrates how tough it is to get a WAW to want you back into a "H with benefits" role.

[OfficerInNeed]

Not much interaction again today. We talked a little, played with dog some. W VERY withdrawn.

I have appointment scheduled for tomorrow to speak with DB coach and we'll see what advice I am given.