How do you deal with the HATE?

[1000ships]

Kickme,

I’ve gone through your other threads and made comments from those as well as from this thread.

He says he loves me and wants the marriage.

And two months after this post he filed for divorce…did he say what changed? Did he say why?
MLCers cycle and change their minds, I’m just curious if he even acknowledged his contradictions.

I beleive he is in full swing MLC, tho he says "no".

Yeah, MLCers deny MLC. Do not discuss it with him.

He is SUPER religious now, and still sanctimoneous (but also an internet porn fan) I DON'T GET IT!

He has a deep sense of shame. He has built a self-righteous wall as his defense and projects all that is bad onto you. To do otherwise would be to acknowledge that his unhappiness and personal problems are within and his shame is too deep to admit that right now.
MLCers are filled with guilt and that is still an issue, but for him shame seems a large factor. Shame is worse thatn guilt. Guilt can be healthy, it is about behaviour, whereas shame is a feeling of inner badness—character rather than behavioural.

He seems to be ready for relationship again

That was four months ago and clearly he was not and is not ready for a relationship. And yet that is MLC-Normal. MLCers cycle. At times they may seem normal. At times they may think they want a relationship with you again, they may or may not seem normal when feeling this.

What made you think he seemed ready for a relationship again—when most of your posts that day were about his weird MLC behaviour and described Monster behaviour along with confusion?

he acts offended that I don't trust him. I sit, incredulous at this. DO all MLC'rs have such entitlement?

Yes, but it is not entitlement in all cases or at all times. They really are oblivious.

he does not show empathy or humility. (I am not saying he does not have it, but MLC'rs can not express it very well, I think.)

Narcissism is high in MLC and a lack of empathy is a trait of narcissism.

My H filed for a divorce 2 months ago. He immediately put it on "hold", and says he wants to recover. Our M problmes started a few years ago, and I beleive he is in full swing MLC, tho he says "no".

What does he say he wants to recover from?
This is like a slip of the tongue. It may have been subconscious, or not, or a momentary glimpse of understanding, but this indicates a recognition that his problems are internal. These brief moments often slip quickly away, but they are still seeds growing in the darkness.

Now he says he s sorry, but I do not feel like he really understands.

He doesn’t understand. Your counselor also mentioned he did not seem remorseful. Saying I’m sorry does not mean they are or that they are going to follow through with actions. Some mean it and are still too deep in MLC addictions to follow through with actions. It took my husband a few years before his actions met his words.

He used to be so laid back, he liked it when I made descisions. Now, he says I am "too bossy".

Maybe I am. But for 20 years it worked OK.

OR it seemed to work okay from your perspective. He may not have liked it hen---you said he was passive aggressive. Or he grew tired of something that he used to like, people change.
But…are you using for 20 years it worked OK as an excuse to justify being bossy and keep doing it? You need to change too.

My H is going thru transitions, he does not want to be "laid back", he wants to assert himself. He needs (IMHO) to address this with his mother, but I feel I am the authority around.

Sure, this may have started with his mother, but you‘ve admitted you are bossy. That would indicate that you both need to address it within your relationship too.

If he wants to divorce, why does he not just "finish the job?"

If he really wanted a divorce, he would finish the job.

Counselor

TWO IC counselors think he is a horrible spouse…

They are correct. MLCers are horrible spouses. Separate the MLCer from the man he will become…you need a counselor who will do that with you. Horrible now is about his behaviour, not his character; he is broken.

My IC does not understand why I would put up with this behavior. He believes in MLC, but does not think I should put up with his treatment.

Does your counselor mean that he doesn’t understand why you want to or are remaining married? Or are you being a Doormat by actually putting up with his abuse?
Your counselor is correct; you (no one) should put up with the abuse. Wanting to reconcile your marriage is another matter entirely. I did not want the MLC Monster…do any of us?

…it is the stupid hateful behaviors that have hurt me the worst.
HOW, exactly, does one "get over" them? My IC told me to "just try to do it!"

You do not get over, you must go through. Your counselor’s answer is the type of answer given when the person doesn’t know how and will not admit it. It’s okay to not know how; we don’t know how either, but we may have some ideas. But different people react and respond differently, what works for you will not work for someone else.

Our counselor says she sees so much anger between us that she doubts we can become "one team".

Is this the same counselor?
I agree with the others, find a new counselor. What do you want? Do you want to be married—not to the MLC Monster, but to your husband? Do you want to be married to the man he can become? Are you Standing? If you are Standing, you need a counselor who is more supportive of your Stand. If not, this counselor may work for you—but you don’t sound as though you want out, you sound fed-up, confused and frustrated. You feel hopeless and are wondering what you should do, and if it’s even worth it—is there even hope?

Is the new counselor a different than those referenced above?
Read the resources. His meanness is typical for a Replayer. As Depression approaches some become more overtly angry a an avoidance of the Depression. Near the end of the crisis, as they recognize and process the damage they have done, they may cycle back for awhile. It is common that they seem the most chaotic when closes to the MLC tunnel entrance and exit where the light at the beginning and end shows them what they are leaving and what they have done respectively.
Keep posting here—regularly and keep up with counseling.

Oh and I recommend you change your username. Focus on being strong rather than someone who is kicked around.

HUGS