Better Days

[Bworl]

Man, am I taking this stuff differently than you guys.

Detaching is good. Necessary even. But remember that we do it to train ourselves to STOP finding our value and self-worth in the words or actions of another.

You don't detach to stop loving her.

You don't detach to start hating her.

You don't detach to figure out how to ignore her.

In the early stages of our marital crisis, we are so wrapped up in our potential loss and the sting of having a spouse announce (through words or actions) that they are done with us, we have a great tendency to start to think negatively of ourselves. We take everything they say, everything they do, and we take it extremely personally as though WE made them do it because WE were somehow bad or seriously flawed.

Well we are flawed, that part is true.

But we did not make them do or say what they've said and done. We certainly would not have chosen for them to want out of our marriage, would we have?


You seem so set on insulating yourself from more potential hurt, that you're trying to cut off your wife from your life.


Ironically, to me at least, this is a sign that you are NOT detached at all - at least in the way I understand and experienced it.


I've told you before - my thoughts about your stituation are that your wife is confused, that she allowed dissatisfaction with your relationship to make her shut down emotionally and eventually choose to exit the relationship, but that she never really stopped loving the man she fell in love with.


So I'll just say it. Understanding that your wife certainly has issues she needs to deal with at some point, there is great possibility in your situation that your marriage can be rebuilt and renewed.


She likes what she's seeing. But this is not a dog and pony show, and I'm glad that you're doing what you're doing for YOU and the kids, NOT for her. That makes it genuine and real.


But what's wrong with her liking it? Was this mess all HER fault? Did you have no flaws or make no mistakes that caused the relationship to deteriorate? I thought the truth was that both sides carry responsibility for what made the marriage less than it should have been. Both sides - not just the side that chose to leave.


So she made decisions you would never have made. That doesn't make her mistakes any more significant than yours.


The problem now is that YOU have worked to fix your flaws. She has not. And now she's a little interested since you don't seem like the old fuddy dud that she got dissatisfied with.


Well, no one is saying to lure her back in. No one is saying accept her back if she wants back in. In fact, I'd advise quite to the contrary. Your wife still has issues, and until she resolves them, it is a fruitless endeavor to even consider any type of reconciliation, regardless of what she might say she wants at some point.


You get to hold her to the need to be real and honest about HER role in the crisis. You do that by not making the mistake of allowing YOUR changes only be enough to bring the two of you back together.


TM is a diversion for you, and she has made this more difficult for you. Because now you are aware that someone can still be interested in you, and that you are still interested in a relationship like that. More importantly, the TM matter is causing you to become hardline with your wife.


That is NOT the approach you wanted when you came here. Is marriage a special thing to be saved or not? Yeah, the work is hard and the times suck, but is marriage special enough to be worth the tough times?


I think anyone who has seen their marriage saved here would say a resounding yes.


Why can't you be you and be satisfied with that for now? Why can't you just enjoy being Dad to your kids, the one who provides and cares for them? Why can't you find joy where you are at, and allow your wife the time she needs to figure out that she's screwed up too?


Sometimes we have to be willing to be the rock.


Not that it doesn't suck at times.


Just my opinion/thoughts.


Blessings,

Bill