Gucci, thanks. I've been thinking about this today. This afternoon I talked to another mutual female friend of W and me. She said NOT to contact my W. She said that my W needs to feel like I'm not there for her. She said it's ok if my W gets a little upset because I didn't call, said to let my W wonder what I'm doing. Though this was very effective. She said to let me W contact me for an update with the house or whatever. She said the same thing you just said, to be busy and not always available. It really helped me today to hear this from a woman who knows my W. She said she saw my W a week ago and my W was sad about selling the house.
I'm not going to contact her. Let her contact me. I need to get back on the path I was on with not worrying about contacting her. Other than sending the flowers, I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks. Yes, I know the flowers was pursuit. I was so torn what to do for her birthday.
Gucci, you do give good advice and I appreciate it and listen. I realize there are two approaches, the softer approach and the firmer approach. I know the DB talks about not continuing down cheeseless tunnels. What I wonder is if what I am doing is a cheeseless tunnel or not? Is this somewhat friendlier interaction positive or just crumbs? After 6 months I wonder if we should be further along? I wonder if I need to focus more on the firmer approach and see what happens?
After listening to my some of my friends share their stories with me it really does make sense that you need to let them go to have a chance to get them back. All of them got to a point where they let go and after time everyone of their Ws came back. Some worked and some didn't but all of their Ws at least approached the H to see if they could work on the M. It helped me to hear this from my friends. I need to clean my ears and listen more to what you guys are telling me. It's been the same thing all along that my friends just told me. It was eye opening for me to hear them all tell the same story.
Thanks Gucci, I very much needed that today. I was getting weak the past few days. I plan to do exactly as you say when she calls. Be polite, keep the call short and to the point and nicely end the call.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
If your mutual female friend is advising you not to contact your W, I would follow that advice as well as the advice Gucci Loafer gave.
My point to you is that I have no hesitancy to call my W, but she contacts me as well, so our sitch's are different there.
And, remember another way that our sitch's seem different from about 75% (or more) of the others on here (and your friend's) is there is no A. If my W had OM, it would quickly change the way I interacted with her.
I believe mutual friends are typically a good source of advice.
Gucci, Glimmerman and others, I have a question. Should I email my W and tell her that I'm sorry for sending the flowers? I'm pretty sure I already know the answer. I should just let it go and not say anything. Telling her I'm sorry for sending the flowers will probably only make things worse by bringing more attention to it. I know the answer but I just needed to hear myself say it I guess.
I am so upset with myself that I sent my W flowers for her birthday. This was a step backwards. Her silence is giving me her response loud and clear. She was just starting to communicate and then I go and send flowers. What a jackass I am. It upsets me that this move could have erased some of the progress. I hope I didn't cause too much damage. I won't make that mistake again. I'm not going to contact her, just leave her alone.
Ok, I'm putting that mistake behind me. I know the correct path and will stay on that path. Gucci set me straight. I had a great night last night. I refereed a couple of youth soccer games. Later last night I took my dogs for a long walk in our neighborhood. This afternoon I'm meeting with an academic advisor at the college I will be attending. Looking forward to going back to college and completing my degree.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I don't believe sending the flowers was a mistake. Your female friend said she didn't think it was either. Gucci and others can disagree with me (and your friend) and that's OK.
I don't think it set you back, and even if it did it's a small thing.
I would not e-mail your wife and tell her you're sorry for sending them. To make a little joke out of it to you, that would be "double pursuing". I would just drop it. It was a birthday gift to your W for goodness sakes. Just don't go overboard. Overboard is manipulative.
One of Greek's posts helped me to realize what may be accurate in my situation. Since Greek was a WAW who came back, I value that input. What I have noticed in the course of several weeks is that my W shows some indecision and doubts when we need to do more stuff with paperwork (legal/financial). Of course the divorce process is different depending on where you are. But now that I think about it, some of our most productive discussions came when we had additional paperwork to do.
Something else that was helpful to me. The W of a separated couple said that one reason she does NOT say thank you when her H gives her something is she does not want to give him the impression that everything is now OK.
LOL on the "double pursuing". That's kind of how I felt about it too.
I always read any posts made by Greek and Sandi. Both of them being a WAW that came back to their H really helps me to see things from the perspective of a WAW.
Question for you if you don't mind regarding the W of the separated couple. I undertsand she didn't want to say thank you or acknowledge her H giving her anything. My DB coach told me the same thing in my sitch. My DB coach told me that my W would not want to give me any hope right now. My question is even though the W didn't acknowledge the gift, did it mean anything to her? Was she at least happy that her H still cared or did she see it as more pressure?
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I don't think she said if it actually meant anything, don't remember to be honest.
Here's my take....if it were flowers to say "I'm sorry" or "I still have hope for us" or something like that, it's one story. But in your case, it was a birthday gift. That's it. A birthday gift.
I'd look at it this way. If your W decides never to reconcile with you, and the worst thing you did while separated was give her flowers on her birthday, then I think you can feel OK about yourself for that?
It does stink that your W won't communicate with you right now. That's very frustrating. I agree with what I think Gucci said, which to me is this. By not communicating with you, she is letting you know how she still feels TODAY.
Again, I have a feeling your friends will continue to give you good advice.
It is frustrating that my W will not talk to me about the M. For the past two days I was thinking of what she told my friend back in February that she needed to move on, that I want to reconcile but she doesn't. Makes me feel like she will never come around, especially since it's been 6 months. I keep reminding myself that others have had their W say the same things and eventually things turned around. Your sitch is a good example. Your W said similar things but now you are both in MC together.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
hate to jump in just read the thing about thank you a and the Waw wife after 9 months my waw is asking me for favors and saying thank you and buy on the phone and dont know if this good or bad but we have divorce set for June 19 but i went dark on her for a month
Me 37 Waw 32 son2 bomb 8/11/09 O/M 12/25/09 Divorce filed 8/25/09 divorce finale 6/16/10 Divorce putt on hold 6/16/10 Divorce postponed STBXW idea 8/8/10
I do not mean this to sound harsh, just giving you an "outside" perspective. If you re-read your first post, you kept mentioning "two years". Your W may have brought that up a few times also, like "you had two years to find a job, and did nothing".
I'm saying this because you are talking about 6 months being hard. Your W has apparently talked about 2 years being hard.
Again, men & women, different perspectives. Men tend to want to solve, women tend to want to feel. What's a guy to do?
