I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

he was all rosy this morning before his plane took off btw. i didn't even bring up last night. just trying to focus on the positives. i was doing some thinking and I think that what's irking him is that I've been so unclingy and that I have not let him phase me. hmmm

[FindingMyVoice]

I go every week. It's been so good for me!

Oh that's wonderful - sorry, I must have gotten that mixed up with another sitch. Glad to hear you're getting lots of support!

[FindingMyVoice]

he was all rosy this morning before his plane took off btw. i didn't even bring up last night. just trying to focus on the positives. i was doing some thinking and I think that what's irking him is that I've been so unclingy and that I have not let him phase me. hmmm

Hmmmmmm is right!!! Clever! Sounds like you're bang on there!

[timehealsall]

All of our sitches are more or less the same! lol

Yeah, when he sees that he doesn't phase me, it makes him act out and be a jerk.

We shall see what happens! Wish me luck girl!

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl, any update? He's home now right? How are things going? All of your feelings are normal. Like Prairie said, just let them come & FEEL them. Otherwise you will just stuff them down & they'll come out later & that's not good.

[timehealsall]

Hey girlie!

Yes, he is home. I met him at S5's game and it was nice. I caught him checking me out from across the field (I was the only one wearing a fitted pencil skirt, pumps and top on the field being that I came from work lol) We then went to dinner afterwards and then got S5 ready for bed and we sat on the couch watching the ballgame and were passing out (he dozed off on the couch). I woke him up and we went to bed and cuddled. He grabbed my hand to hold it and he would search for my hand throughout the night. So it was good, I'd say.

We shall see. I feel like I can't get too giddy or happy about anything. I need to just BE.

[TimeHeals]

We shall see. I feel like I can't get too giddy or happy about anything. I need to just BE.

Boy, do I know how you feel. Every time I start thinking things are headed in a positive direction, I get a nasty suprise from my W.

And then every time I am about ready to give up, things seem to turn around.

I've given up on both hope and despair. It is what it is, I guess.

[timehealsall]

We shall see. I feel like I can't get too giddy or happy about anything. I need to just BE.

Boy, do I know how you feel. Every time I start thinking things are headed in a positive direction, I get a nasty suprise from my W.

And then every time I am about ready to give up, things seem to turn around.

I've given up on both hope and despair. It is what it is, I guess.

Exactly.

[timehealsall]

So an update on me for my journal...

Yesterday was a nice day. I went food shopping after work. H went to coach S5's sports league. We met back up at the house where H was making dinner. he helped me with the packages out of the truck and we then put them away and sat down to eat. It was nice. Later on, we watched tv together and went to bed together.. it was a great night.

Positive changes I've made in myself:

H will sometimes get snippy or because he has an argumentative nature (so do I), he'll dispute something I'll say. The former THA would normally have argued with him to prove that I was right, but instead, I didn't bother. I said okay, or I don't agree but respect why you feel or think that way. It's obviously so juvenile to argue over something stupid, only to prove a point sometimes really, and have it blow out of proportion for nothing.

H has been more affectionate towards me. Kissing, hugging, cuddling.. more frequent calls/texts. I haven't been the one initiating. H has also hardly checked up on work or logged onto his computer. He did check his handheld for emails and showed me a few funny ones that he got..but it was nice... We had S and it was wonderful.. then we passed out and he held me and would search for my hand to hold throughout the night and in the morning.

Tonight, he has a game and I have therapy.. I told him I had therapy (meaning I couldn't watch the kids) and he respected that (I also respect him not going; I will not force him but I will continue to go for ME) and he made plans to bring S5 (girls are going to moms) with him and didn't battle me or berate me for going.

We are looking to trade my truck in and get something smaller (less costly) and I offered to trade it in for something I would never have been caught dead driving in (lol). He was taken back but it was like something clicked in his head. I'm usually very stubborn and when I have my mind made up, there's no changing it.. Now, I'm more open and I don't jump all over people when they disagree with me.. I'm more open minded overall. More humble as well.

Hope you are all doing great. I don't know any of you but I think of you all often and you're all in my prayers!

[timehealsall]

Journal:

Last night I went to therapy; had a good session.. she is happy in the changes she has seen in me...

H went to his game with S5 and they returned late.

I bathed S5 and put him to sleep. H got upset that I had gone and bought the kids a few things (we have parties this weekend and next) going off how we're in debt and shouldn't be spending and going on and on. I just walked into the BR and watched TV.

I didn't argue with him. He always tries to put the blame on me for everything. it's MY fault we're in debt, MY fault he had an A, MY fault for everything. so I just let him be.

He then comes in and asks me if I am purposely doing this to him. I said I wasn't going to even get into an argument with him nor was I going to take the full blame for any of OUR wrongdoings. He went and showered and then came into bed.

Asked what my T said and I relayed a message she sent for him that she is disappointed in him. She is happy to hear he is home but feels that if he is willing to work things out, he should go to MC and help get things on track. he just pondered about it and then cracked a joke.

We watched TV and at one point he goes..."why are we doing this to ourselves?" I just listened. I then said to him. if that's what you want, then fine. I'm not going to stop you. But don't think for a minute that our problems are going to be solved (meaning if we separate). He didn't have a response. We ended up joking around and he started being not so affectionate with me. I then joked that moody H was back and he joked back that he was. He then loosened up some and started being affectionate but not as the previous nights..

I guess this is normal..

Just another day in lala land.