Yep - Let me ask you a question.....What was YOUR LIFE like BEFORE you were M? What did you do to combat these feelings? Have you consider doing these things again.
I didn't have those feeling before I was married. I was either to busy or just didn't care, i got married at 21, i honestly cant tell you if I felt lonely, I was surrounded by people that had a common interest, I was in the army and didn't give a [censored] about anything, other than what I was doing that day, where we were going to go drink that night, and if my weapon was functioning properly. I know there are codependency issues and that is what I have to deal with. Some how I'll figure out what it is that defines me and I know I lost that by sacrificing the things that I loved to be with her. I'm gaining my confidence in my artwork and going back to school will help me gain more. Getting into school is my goal.
It just sucks to see her and know that for some reason this new guy is giving her something that I didn't have the chance to give her. It pisses me off that she is so willing to give up on me but I never gave up on her through her issues. It is crap man. There are so many things I want to say out of anger but I don't. I am setting boundries finnally and I need to set more. I dont' like the situation that I'm in because she is coming over every morning to watch our kids for a short amount of time before my D goes to school and then she takes my S to the day care she works at. I don't like her coming over every morning and I wish I could work it out to where she didn't have to, but with work this is the only way it will work out and I'm not going to have my children stay with her sleeping on the floor. It sucks that she really seems happier with out me and I wish I knew why. It is bad but in my heart of hearts I want her to be miserable(i know i know I cannot control this and I know it is far from detaching or forgiving). I'm venting. I know I can only control myself, what I really need is to stop wanting, do I really need to want. Wants and needs are so different, a need you cannot survive with out a want is something I desire and shouldn't in turn ask for because I do not need it.
I dunno, i'm bleh right now. Mainly because I just don't feel as though I deserve this. I felt as though for 7 years I poured my heart and soul into our M and for her to give up is lame, it comes down to her being bored with me and not having the will to help me like I helped her. For someone who not even a year ago wanted to re-new our vows to change her mind is what boggles my mind. It makes no sense, it just doesn't. She says she isn't influenced by the people around her but I feel as though it is a lie.
blah blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself like this. lol It is driving me nuts. I just don't how to step out of this circle I'm going around and think of other things. Its like my brain will not shut off. Every moment I have to myself I am thinking about the crap she has put me through and the fact that she says she doesn't like to hurt me but yet she still does.
Sorry again just venting.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
