Question

[ClingingToHope]

Based on how little he has actually tried to see S, he might not get every other weekend. I'm no expert, but he's shown so little interest you may be able to dictate supervised visits. This is what a L is for.

As a guy, I think I have thrown out there some divorce statistics that show women do especially poorly in D. I have a feeling in my case, even with the fact STBXW makes more, that this will be the case in my sitch. STBXW shops when she's anxious or depressed. In the time I've been gone she's maxed four credit cards -- which means four hefty minimum payments.

I feel guilty to say that gives me some comfort. For 15 years I've tried to make STBXW's life better and a lot of times that meant being the voice of reason and saying, no, we should wait.

As I'm typing this, the girls are talking about some house supposedly STBXW is trying to buy with no equity and a short sale soon to be on her record. Sigh.

All that being said. That may not be the case with you. You've actually been living all this time with next to no support so a D should actually improve your situation. You seem sharp enough to know the hurdles in front of you.

I think it's more a matter of the WAS vs. the LBS. The WAS usually thinks life is going to be so great -- the grass is greener stuff -- and hasn't put a lot of thought into the struggle it is to be alone.

The LBS has it thrust in their face and they have to adjust more quickly.

I think you'll be fine.

[awest1217]

H did come to the party and didn't come to say hi to me at all. MIL had S in the front yard so H just hung out with them for a while. When he came in, he noticed my new jean jacket and I just said yes it was new. I didn't talk much and was very cold. Probably shouldn't have been, but I am sick of his stupidity and thinking he can play me.

When S and I left, H said good night, i love you, and tried to give me a kiss. I didn't kiss back and just said good night. He then text me to say what is my problem. I told him exactly what my problem was. I let him know that I know it shouldn't bother me, but SIL's sister's ex (long I know) saw him with OW and I don't want to pretend when I know he is still seeing her. I said it is none of my business because he hasn't ever told me that he is going to work on us so I shouldn't get upset. I said it is his life and he can do with it what he wants. I said that I am not going to be lovey and listen to him say I love you when he is still potentially saying that to OW. I let him know that he might be doing that or he may not, I don't know because I don't check up on him and he has complete privacy to do whatever he wants to do, but I am not going to be played again.

On a side note, most people don't tell me if they see H with OW because they know I am not really talking to him, but SIL's sister's ex is one of those chivalrous sweet guys and probably was just trying to look out for me. Very sweet.

I haven't heard anything back from him and don't expect to. I am tired of him thinking he can hang with her because they are "just friends", but then tell me he loves me. THe other thing I told him is that it bothers me because that is time he could have been spending with us. He saw S tonight for 1 hour and that is it for the entire week. This would have been "his weekend" so he could have asked to see S especially since I was busy at the sale or he could have come over before the party to see S and I instead of hanging with OW, but instead he didn't get to the party until almost 6:30 (1 hour after it started and we got there) and we left at 7:30. It just makes me so mad that he would continually choose to hang out with her instead of us, and to think I really thought he might be changing....so much for rehab...

[awest1217]

It was a semi-rough night only because I have a lot going through my head. My brother preached yesterday about "eradicating the epidemic", and when he got the text from SIL's sister that H was with OW, he told me I need to get this cancer out of my life.

Then at the party, everyone was nice to me and I got along with everyone, but many of his extended family say things to make me think that they have no idea that he has left us. It really isn't my place to tell them what is going on, but at the same time, I think it is stupid for them to act like nothing is happening if they know. They are a family that doesn't ever talk about bad stuff and everything is happy, but at the same time, I just don't know. So that got me thinking. My in-laws don't even know everything because they think that H and I talk all the time and that things are going well between us. They don't have any idea what is going on. This weekend I plan on going over there for mother's day (I have to call MIL to discuss it), but I have no idea what H is doing (not planning on getting anything from S since I got nothing last year).

Also I was thinking about how over the past year, I have made it very clear to his whole family my intentions. I go over to their houses. When I am invited to extended family stuff, I go and act completely pleasant. H doesn't ever do anything with my family and doesn't even try. I know his excuse is that they don't treat him well, but if he always did stuff with the family, they might get a different impression just like his family has of me. I hope they start to notice I am good until H comes. Also I have no idea if H even got his cousin anything for graduating. I gave her cash and a card, but only signed S and my name. I have started to do that with all of the cards this year because I buy them and I put the thought into it. I doubt H does anything for his family, and I know he doesn't ever send anything to my family like I do his. It is just so one-sided and always has been.

Back to what my brother said, I want to get rid of H, but I am still so worried about S. I don't want S to pick-up on H's bad habits and wrongs in his life. Once again S asked today where H lived and asked about OW. I don't ever use her name in front of him and haven't since probably December. I know that is not a long time, but he still associates where H lives with OW, and it kills me and saddens me because that is what he has learned. NOt from me, but from H and what he has seen from H. It is just so sad, and I don't want S to turn out to be like H. I want him to treat girls right. Already S won't make decisions. I ask him waht he wants for breakfast or waht he wants to wear and he says "i don't know" (H's favorite line). I don't want S to be like H and having S over with H even a little bit won't be good, unless H starts to see his bad habits and gets after S so he doesn't turn out like H, which is possible because he won't allow his students to say "i don't know" although he does it all the time.

I guess I am just scared of the unknown. I am scared about what will happen to mea nd where I will be in a few months if I do file. Will I lose the house? Will I be able to afford everything? Will H get a ton of visitation? Will is cost a bunch? All things I wonder and am scared of, but I still have 4 weeks before it happens and before I do file, I am going to give H one last chance to see if anything changes, but I am sure it won't.

Now onto my most busy week of teaching each tri, but once Friday comes...it will be smooth sailing for the last three weeks.

[Lucky11too]

These are the exact same questions that are going thru my head and you are right, it is scary. For the good or bad though, our Hs are our S's fathers (unfortunately by our choices) so the only thing we can do is raise up our boys the best we can and while they are with us, show them the right ways of life. I wish I could protect S from H's bad habits too, but I guess we just have to guide them away from those ways as we see them show up.

As far as with the unknown with the D, I was thinking of this analogy last night. You know how when you are pregnant, you just want to have your baby, but (at least for me) I was scared to death of labor. I just wanted to be on the other side of it holding my baby and just skip the labor all together. But unfortunately, it's all part of the process. Same with the D. I just want to be on the other side of it living my life post D and rid of H and his games. But we are strong women. We have made it thru so much the last couple of years, and although it may not be easy (may take some labor pains), we will make it thru this too.

I'm sorry to hear that H is not making any progress, but I'm proud that you stood up for yourself to him. It's just a great reminder that you are not there to be his door mat!

[awest1217]

Nothing from H, which I figured. If i want, I will have to get him out of the fox hole, but I don't think I will. I did text him to let him know S is doing better (I was worried he was getting a UTI because he was complaining it hurt when he peed, but it was probably dehydration from the diahrea). Of course, no response. I didn't say anything except S was doing better, but he couldn' t even respond to that.

S right now is sitting in the living room "talking" to H on the phone. He is pretending with his cell phone. It is so sad that this is what he is used to. He doesn't know what a dad is and really misses spending time with him because we saw him yesterday, but in a day or two he will forget and be all about my brother or H's brothers.

[awest1217]

H did contact me. He read about a generic allergy medicine being recalled and it is the one I usually use for S, but I bought the name brand last time because I had a coupon. It was good that he let me know about the medicine because otherwise I wouldn't have know since I never get to watch the news.

Last night S and I did yard work. I try to do that one night each week so that way I feel things are getting done (S loves to help anyway) and it isn't an everyday thing. The yard is looking great. There is grass growing in places H never thought it would grow, and it is all looking really green. We pulled the weeds on the brick patio so all the maintenance work is done. Now on to actually doing new stuff to make it look better. I am wanting to chop up three bushes that I never liked and plant flowers instead, perennials because I hate to keep replanting because I have stone everywhere. I also want to fix some things and move the rocks from some places and put mulch down instead. A lot to do, but it is fun and keeps making the house look nicer and nicer. I love to fix up the outside because so many changes can be done without paying a lot of money whereas inside costs more, but I still have ideas for small things inside as I get money to make the house more and more cozy.

Very happy! It is teacher appreciation week so we got some hot drinks today at school from the coffee cart paid for by the student council. Thursday we have a breakfast put on by the food2 class. Then this weekend is Mother's Day. Next weekend is the cubs game. Then two weeks and summer vacation!

[Lucky11too]

That story about S "talking" to H on the phone just breaks my heart. It's when our S's do those kind of things that make me want to just shake our H's out of their selffishness. They have such awesome little kids here and they can't get over themselves to be apart of their lives! Come on, is it really a "sacrifice" to be a father? Arrg.

On the good side though, he let you know about the medicine recall. At least you and S are somewhere there in his brain.

That's so awesome about all the house stuff you're doing. Way to go. I think sometimes these house tasks push our abililites a little, but it's so rewarding at the end when it's your own handy and hard work that go into a project. Great job!

And of course, happy teacher appreciation week! You deserve it! Looks like some good things are coming your way the next few weeks! Enjoy! =)

[awest1217]

A lot of busyness at work. This is always the week I love and hate at the same time because it is so much fun to really have students who have done poorly get what we are doing finally and also crazy because I have a lot of grade and do everyday during class.

On the H front, that is kind of funny yet I don't know how to put it. Last night I asked H something financial stuff about the few things we still do share (the cell phone, the house phone because it is in his name, and the car which is in both of our names, but through his bank so I don't have access to it). I mostly wanted to start paying everything online and find out what is left to pay on teh car. Some is to "go gree", the car is so I have those numbers for the L next month. H freaked out. He started to go on and on about how I am trying to push him away because I don't want to have things in common anymore (I had mentioned how it would be so much easier if at least the cell bill was separate instead of family. The rest is ok because I get the bill and can ask H when I want to know about the balance on teh car, but the cell bill kills me that it is still joined and hurts me when I see how many texts he sends to OW and calls OW every month). He just said how he is glad we have stuff in common and I should be open if I am trying to get rid of him. I said right now I am not, but I am trying to make my life easier. It was just odd that he is the one freaking out that I am pushing him away and trying to do everything on my own. IT HAS BEEN A YEAR! HE moved out A YEAR AGO! With no sign whatsoever that he has any plans in the near future to come back. He isn't going to just come back on a whim. There is a lot of fixing that must be done if that were to ever happen. I just found it interesting that he was freaking out when he rarely ever talks to me or sees me (compared to the monsterous hours spent on the phone texting and calling OW; 2000 texts last month and I think it was 500 minutes. Between us, around 300 texts and maybe 10 minutes talking). It is all very interesting...

I am still trying to hold out until school is out, but i am trying to get all my ducks in a row so when I do decide to file it will be quicker because I will already have all the info prepared. Also the more I have proof he is still talking to OW and seeing her, the more I know that I am doing the right thing, although I hate it for S. H knows my number one boundary is OW, and he is definitely not trying to change that.

[ClingingToHope]

H freaked out. He started to go on and on about how I am trying to push him away because I don't want to have things in common anymore (I had mentioned how it would be so much easier if at least the cell bill was separate instead of family.

I did that. I freaked out. As long as all that stuff is together you have hope things will eventually work out. STBXW started pushing to change things right away and I -- rightly -- took it as a sign that things were getting worse.

As much as I think H is a schmuck who wants to have it both ways -- OW and a backup plan -- and deserves to be divorced, he clearly doesn't want to be divorced.

So that's an insight into his mind.

[Lucky11too]

Interesting, but unless you see some action in response to your actions, I think it’s him just trying to control you and the situation again. It’s all on him to turn this around and be with you, but he hasn’t taken any steps. It’s just ironic that he thinks your pushing him away! It may be in an insight into his mind, but if he really didn't want to D, he sure hasn't done anything to stop the D train yet! I would hope this would finally be a wake up call for him, but we’ll see. But in the meantime, you’re right to get all your ducks in a row. It’s not over until it’s over, but it’s good to have everything ready for if/when it does reach that point.