help with a plan

[idontunderstand]

Just to add: Wife also says that I have told her that I want us to try to work on things (I have in the past) but she doesn't see how I am trying. I know she has seen changes. I have not brought them up. I call her out on bad behaviour and when she stayed out until 1:30am, I said that it was unacceptable. I didn't whine and pout or ask who she was with. Just that it was not right especially without a phone call.

Is this her trying to push me or test me? As I mentioned before, I have told her that I agree, it's over, but it's her choice and she should be the one to leave. I told her the same Sun. "Don't think I won't take these kids and leave." she said. Go ahead, just make sure you have a L because I will and he will be filing papers to protect my kids. Later, I said that she would have to be the one to file since it was her choice not to try. Did contradict myself? IDK.

Last night, she got several phone calls while I was playing with the kids. She went outside and the phone rang and I answered it. It was a guy asking for her. I said, sure, hang on just a second. I opened the door and gave her the phone. When she came in, she told me it was just such and such from where the track meet will be on Fri. I said, okay and went back to what I was doing.

Is she testing me? Is this, like PDT had said, a short term setback that will be good in the long run? As in, she knows I'm serious about boundaries and her disrespectful behaviour?

If you couldn't tell, I could use some encouragement today!

[pigskin]

Just go back to what you were doing before - ignoring her irritability and focusing on the kids and having fun with them.

Everything that needs to be said on your end has been said. She knows where you stand. Fight the urge to restate your position every other day. Don't reason with her. She needs to be the one to initiate reconciliation. Just leave her to be miserable alone. When/if she is ready, she needs to take the first step or you will be whipsawed out of your detachment.

Such a cliche, but take it one day at a time. Worrying about tomorrow is counterproductive. You will be fine either way your situation shakes out - just pray on it when you feel anxiety.

By the way, I thought you had already spoken with a lawyer. Is that not the case?

[idontunderstand]

Yes, I have spoken with a lawyer. I haven't told her that.

I know I said too much the other night, rehashing old crap. I did call her out on more lies that I know for sure are lies on her part. She asked who I had been talking to. I told her it didn't matter, she should just stop lying about everything. I listened and validated but the convo went on too long. Hopefully I didn't do further harm.

So many things running through my head. I do grasp the concepts, but, in the heat of the moment, I kind of lose control. She did get very emotional. I know that doesn't really mean anything either. I know I have said all that I need to. Actions. I have to remember that.

Thanks for the reply. Don't know why I'm having so much trouble today and it helps to be here to vent and receive encouragement.

[LSG]

idontunderstand,

We all have bad days and fall back on what have been doing and learning on DBing. Don't be too hard on yourself, and remember that DBing does work. Just try to hold back on the arguing and accusing even if it is true. It is all about the approach.

Maybe you have not detached enough from W, and W knows this, so she is still make you jump through hoops. It will take you and me more time too actually not care at some point to achieve the goal we both want. I guess you truly have to let go, so what you want most will come back if it is meant to be.

You have been doing so well. Do you know what was said or happened that evoked so much emotion in you? I find little things make me have a good or bad day. I think it is part of the way that WAW control the situation.

Take it easy and do something for yourself.

[idontunderstand]

LSG, you're right, I haven't detached enough. After last night, I guess I don't have a choice.

After getting the kids in bed, we were in the living room watching TV and she said, "So, what are we going to do?"
I knew what she was talking about and told her I made myself clear and we don't need to rehash it again. She started in on how I don't trust her and other crap and I got up and went outside. She came out a few minutes later.

Long story short, she wants to seperate. I said I agreed. She said maybe we would realize what we had and miss it or realize we would be happier apart. Again, I agreed. I told her again that she is the one who wants this, won't try getting help of any kind so she needs to be the one to leave, I will not leave my kids. She says she doesn't expect me to, I am the best father she could ever imagine, on and on. So, I asked her again, "What do you want to do?" She really has no where to go or enough money to go. After a bunch of other crap from her, I guess it's the in house seperation. Whatever that means. Right now, to me, it means she wants to stay until she finds somewhere else to go.

Anyway, a lot of other stuff was said and I validated and stopped her when I knew she was lying. I never got emotional, just a little angry. All in all, I think I did okay.

What next? It seems to me that things won't be that different. What kind of ground rules are there for this type of thing?

Right now, I'm fairly calm. Mostly mad. I can't say I didn't see something like this coming.

[Coach]

Long story short, she wants to seperate. I said I agreed. She said maybe we would realize what we had and miss it or realize we would be happier apart. Again, I agreed. I told her again that she is the one who wants this, won't try getting help of any kind so she needs to be the one to leave, I will not leave my kids. She says she doesn't expect me to, I am the best father she could ever imagine, on and on.

This is good.

So, I asked her again, "What do you want to do?"

This not so good. This is a opportunity to lead. Why is your wife seeking out a EA? That guy isn't asking her what she wants to do he is just doing it.

Have you really laid out a boundary with the EA? Is there no contact in place?

"So, what are we going to do?"

She's looking to you to be a man - leader, confident, decisive and in control.

She started in on how I don't trust her and other crap and I got up and went outside.

.

You shouldn't trust her right now and she knows it. She's testing you and you failed.

Think thru this:

- no contact/transparency plan

- reconciliation plan (MC, communication issues, trust, becoming friends again and then becoming romantically involved)

- marriage issues: what are they and how will they be handled?

List the issues and find solutions. Don't be afraid - lead.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, Coach. I always appreciate your expertise.

I totally agree with your comments. As I wrote in a post a few days ago, it's hard to remember what I am supposed to do. There is so much information that I have learned in the book and from you guys here. I get in a situation and recognize it and know what to do. Then something else happens and I don't recognize she has switched tactics and flounder about, lost.

I am doing, not just trying. I do it wrong sometimes.

At the risk of sounding like I haven't been paying attention all this time, Coach, or anyone, is there anything I can say to her tonight or whenever to take the lead back from her? I hate to ask for specifics because every sitch is different.

I like the reconciliation plan. How do I present this info to W? She doesn't want to hear anything I say right now.

Coach, I don't mean to sound like I haven't learned anything. It's that the things I have been doing, GAL, 180's, etc., she has mentioned and says she doesn't like them. She says I'm not here for the kids. When I call if I'm going to be late, or tell her how good she looks, or that I can't watch the kids when she wants because I have plans, she says it is all fake. It's designed to either make her mad or to kiss up. It is neither. I have been consistant with my changes.

How can I better tell when she is testing me?
I guess that is the main question. When to stand my ground and when to compromise.

Thanks again.

IDU

[Coach]

How can I better tell when she is testing me?

It's that the things I have been doing, GAL, 180's, etc., she has mentioned and says she doesn't like them. She says I'm not here for the kids. When I call if I'm going to be late, or tell her how good she looks, or that I can't watch the kids when she wants because I have plans, she says it is all fake.

Whenever she tells you what you are doing, thinking, feeling or might do. She's mind reading and needs to be called out on it. Ever heard this, "You are just doing that to make yourself feel better."

"No wife it is not fake. If you really want to know what I am thinking then just ask."


Here is how you lead.

"Wife, you asked the other day what we are going to do. Here is what I decided. I won't live in a open marriage. Unless you break off all contact and we have complete transparency, meaning I have access to your e-mail, cell phone and know where you are going to be. If you can't agree to that then this marriage is over. If you do agree to that then we will attend MC together and work on the issues that keep us from feeling loved and respected to each other."

Then don't be the next one to speak. She's either in or out. You are letting her off the hook, she get's to choose. You will look attractive to her because you stood up for yourself, your marriage and fought for her. You are leading your family. She will test you, be prepared. She wants to know you are strong and steadfast. You do this and she will jump you, I promise.

[idontunderstand]

"Wife, you asked the other day what we are going to do. Here is what I decided. I won't live in a open marriage. Unless you break off all contact and we have complete transparency, meaning I have access to your e-mail, cell phone and know where you are going to be. If you can't agree to that then this marriage is over. If you do agree to that then we will attend MC together and work on the issues that keep us from feeling loved and respected to each other."

Even though she swears that nothing is going on? I know it's wrong, you know it, and she knows it. She won't admit it right now. I understand the concept, though.

I really do appreciate you help and "holding my hand" through this. It really is counter intuitive and I simply don't grasp it all yet. I do realize it's time to get out of limbo. I was just hoping the other things would work and we would not have to S or D. Maybe this is a good thing and I can take charge right here and now.

You do this and she will jump you, I promise.

I'll hold you to that!

[Coach]

Even though she swears that nothing is going on?

"Then being transparent will not be a problem for you."