I have started re-reading "Not Just Friends" and some parts are so hard to read but it is REALLY helpful. I realize that the way I handled things when husband cheated on me when we were dating was ALL WRONG and now I see how I carried some of those actions into our marriage. I NEVER let husband forget that he cheated on me. I used to try and wear him down with the constant questioning and the continuous hurtful things I would say. It was like I felt justified in any hurtful actions or mistakes I made because in my mind he cheated and NOTHING I would do or did would ever be as worst as that. I also used to almost try and make him pay for his betrayal and I carried on that way into our marriage. For example, I used to have crazy demands when I was pregnant and some of them were because I wanted to test how dedicated he was to me. I didn't do it on purpose but indirectly I was testing him. I told him I forgave him and I don't think I ever really did. I wanted payback and this book is helping me see how I handled things so inappropriately and how I never learned how to heal from that betrayal.
Husband has told me that he wishes I would tell him how I feel about everything. I told him I am not ready as if I let it all out I dont know if I can deal with all the feelings. It is like husband and I have switched places. He used to always suppress his feelings and I used to always talk about mine. Now I am suppressing my feelings and he is mister talk about feelings now. He says that he was a ticking time bomb and one lesson that he has learned is that he has to get things out or it will just build up inside of him and he will act out or blow up all at once. Also, I feel funny bombarding husband with questions about the affair, quesitons of what was he thinking etc., so husband suggested that we send emails to each other. I typed up one email but haven't sent it yet.
My husband is coming to visit for mother's day weekend. This is my second mother's day and for my first mother's day that is when I really noticed that things were not as good between husband and I. We didn't even spend it together because i was staying at my parent's house and husband decided that he didn't want to miss work to travel down. Last year he got me a custom made card that said "For my Wife, 4luv...the best mother in the world." I also got some flowers from husband. I didn't even really notice the card last year because I was hurt that husband didn't realize the importance of spending the holiday with me. Now looking back, the card was very nice (hand painted) and I could have been a little more appreciative.
My dad will not allow husband in the house so he is getting a hotel room. Other than that husband has planned an outing for me at a sushi restaurant and bike riding on the beach. I don't know what else but hopefully will be a fun weekend.
Also, I am not going to be able to go to the therapy session with husband which I am kinda bummed about. Husband is still going and actually seems like he is looking forward to it. My only thing is that i am constantly on the look out for husband just manipulating me. I want to believe that he is getting help because he actually wants to get help and not because he thinks that is what is going to make him look good in my eyes or his/my family eyes.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
