Ok, I went and seen my therapist for the first time today and it went pretty well. She was familiar with Michelle Weiner-Davis' books and she was glad I was participating in this forum. I didn't get to go through everything going on bc part of the session was taken up by me filling out confidentiality forms etc...but I went through most of the recent events and some of the major past events. I have another appointment May 12th and I'm really looking forward to it so I can go through more in depth what is going on. She said the first session was to get some background on what was going on, but she did ask questions about my childhood, her family and stuff like that. The good thing is I think she is a pro-marriage type of counselor and has many credentials and has been in the business for 20+ years. Some of her suggestions echo what I'm being told on here.
Right now things are going pretty good with my wife although she is still texting OM on the "secret" prepaid phone, it's not nearly as frequent as it was a few weeks ago. My therapist said it would be best for me just to leave that alone right now and not bring it up as that technique obviously is not working. Maybe she will come to the realization that this is just a fantasy for her and her real life is right in front of her. I expected this affair to be shut off, but maybe it will take baby steps for her to gradually move away from it and come back to reality. I don't like it, but I guess this is the challenge I'm faced with and I need to learn how to deal with it. The legal side of things also came up and my therapist said I actually have the upper hand if a custody battle were to unfortunately come into play which was somewhat of a relief although I really really don't want it to go there. I think I still need to see a lawyer, but I want to concentrate all my efforts on improving my marriage so we can put this nasty nightmare behind us and become stronger better people.
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
I think I still need to see a lawyer, but I want to concentrate all my efforts on improving my marriage . . .
The two have nothing to do with each other.
As the Good Book says, "there is wisdom in many counselors." If you think you need to see a lawyer, you should see a lawyer. There's nothing wrong with getting a better understanding of your rights, responsibilities and potential vulnerabilities.
You are right Puppy, I will go see a lawyer for good measure...AND concentrate on improving my marriage. I just don't want to focus my efforts on trying to screw my wife over in some nasty divorce, and lose sight of saving my marriage. But you are correct, they are unrelated and I should do both. Thanks
Another good day between me and my wife...but still texting going on between her and OM. I'm not saying anything to her about it because it has blew up in my face everytime before. Maybe if I can manage to keep my mouth shut, she will eventually lose interest in this a$$hole and come home to stay. Our relationship seems to be improving even though I know what's going on behind the scenes. She was shopping for sexy lingerie for our vacation that seems to be full steam ahead again, so I guess in my mind that is a positive. She has been flirting with me more lately and making little comments here and there with sexual undertones, which seems like the way things used to be. Maybe this is a sign of recovery between us, because before she totally was not doing any of the flirty stuff like she is now. I hope I'm not being setup again!! I don't know what effect it's going to have, but my hope is when we take our vacation to Jamaica to the resort we were married (it's called Couples Swept Away by the way if anyone is looking for an absolute fantastic get away) she will realize how I feel about her and her marriage is worth saving and we can grow together again. My fingers are crossed, but in the back of my mind I'm waiting for something bad to happen knowing she's still texting OM on her prepaid phone.
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
Another good day between me and my wife...but still texting going on between her and OM. I'm not saying anything to her about it because it has blew up in my face everytime before. Maybe if I can manage to keep my mouth shut, she will eventually lose interest in this a$$hole and come home to stay. Our relationship seems to be improving even though I know what's going on behind the scenes. She was shopping for sexy lingerie for our vacation that seems to be full steam ahead again, so I guess in my mind that is a positive. She has been flirting with me more lately and making little comments here and there with sexual undertones, which seems like the way things used to be. Maybe this is a sign of recovery between us, because before she totally was not doing any of the flirty stuff like she is now. I hope I'm not being setup again!! I don't know what effect it's going to have, but my hope is when we take our vacation to Jamaica to the resort we were married (it's called Couples Swept Away by the way if anyone is looking for an absolute fantastic get away) she will realize how I feel about her and her marriage is worth saving and we can grow together again. My fingers are crossed, but in the back of my mind I'm waiting for something bad to happen knowing she's still texting OM on her prepaid phone.
Dan,
This is all passive, passive stuff, and the very same behavior from you that has kept you STUCK where you've been since you started posting here. "Hoping," "crossing fingers", etc., is not a PLAN.
"Little Bo-Peep" doesn't work -- you need to do something more proactive to shake up the equilibrium here. Keep doing what you've BEEN doing, and you'll keep getting the same results. That's just basic common sense.
Maybe she will come to the realization that this is just a fantasy for her and her real life is right in front of her. I expected this affair to be shut off, but maybe it will take baby steps for her to gradually move away from it and come back to reality. I don't like it, but I guess this is the challenge I'm faced with and I need to learn how to deal with it.
What realizations have you made about YOURSELF?
Quote:
She has been flirting with me more lately and making little comments here and there with sexual undertones,
and what is she talking to this other guy about? I can picture what is going on in her head can you?
baby steps? dan I taught you wrote this ex-boyfriend is divorced or his marriage is down the crapper. realize, this
guy is trying to get down your wife's pants. Don't just sit back and learn how to deal with it. Life will pass you by.
Another good day between me and my wife...but still texting going on between her and OM. I'm not saying anything to her about it because it has blew up in my face everytime before. Maybe if I can manage to keep my mouth shut, she will eventually lose interest in this a$$hole and come home to stay. Our relationship seems to be improving even though I know what's going on behind the scenes. She was shopping for sexy lingerie for our vacation that seems to be full steam ahead again, so I guess in my mind that is a positive. She has been flirting with me more lately and making little comments here and there with sexual undertones, which seems like the way things used to be. Maybe this is a sign of recovery between us, because before she totally was not doing any of the flirty stuff like she is now. I hope I'm not being setup again!! I don't know what effect it's going to have, but my hope is when we take our vacation to Jamaica to the resort we were married (it's called Couples Swept Away by the way if anyone is looking for an absolute fantastic get away) she will realize how I feel about her and her marriage is worth saving and we can grow together again. My fingers are crossed, but in the back of my mind I'm waiting for something bad to happen knowing she's still texting OM on her prepaid phone.
Watching this board is tough. Seeing these situations appear over and over. Puppy, I don't know how you've done it as long as you have.
Dan, you're teaching your W that she has nothing to lose. Your situation is so similar to how mine was a couple yars ago. She will not spontaneously give up her EA. Why should she? You are taking all the blame, letting her do what she wants, and still giving her the best of you. I don't think you should go on that vacation under these circumstances. She doesn't deserve it, and even if it goes well from your point of view, how can you know she's not secretly wishing it were OM with her, not you? She's texting the guy 40 times a day. You can't ignore that! The sexy lingerie, the subtle undertones, all indications that her A with this guy has her puffed up with sexual "swagger". Realize that her showing it to you is not indicative of anything to do with you.
How you feel about her is irrelevent to her right now. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you. The more you supplicate her, the more you convince her to "go for it" with this other guy. You've done nothing to indicate there will be any real consequences. I was absolutely shocked in my situation when I realized that my W reaching out to me was just her shoring up her backup plan, to lower her anxiety about pursuing her A. Each time I responded favorably to her overtures, she got that much closer to OM. It was infuriating! I see the exact same thing going on in your sitch.
Don't underestimate the power of your M, the power of your shared kids. Don't be afraid of calling her out. Take away her backup plan. Make it crystal clear to her that you will NOT tolerate this, and that the consequences will be dire! Of course it "blew up in your face" each time you brought up her texting OM. She wants to do it, and she wants you to let her. To draw an analogy to the wild, she'll snarl and bare her teeth and put on an impressive show to try to get you to back off, but it's all bluff. She wants to intimidate you so she can have her way, don't let her.
I need to face reality. Everyone on here is right. Since April 16th, my W has either recieved or sent a text to OM 1397 times. I am the one living in a false reality thinking things are going good between us even though I know what is going on in the background. I am going to set up an appointment right away because I want to know my rights. I hate that she is abusing our relationship like this.
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
I screwed up again I guess...my life is such a soap opera. I made the lawyer appointment, but I made the mistake of telling her sister and mother to let them know my intentions aren't to put the screws to my wife, I just want to know my rights. I wanted them to hear first hand that I want my wife back, but she isn't stopping the texting and I needed to see a lawyer to find out what my rights were. I made the mistake of thinking they wouldn't say anything to my wife because they were so against this affair my wife is having. I haven't talked to them, but her mom called her and let the cat out of the bag. I don't know how the conversation went down, but it infuriates my wife that they consoled me and wanted me to talk to them a few weeks ago about everything that is going on. Now my wife is spinning it like they don't want me to talk to them and to stop bothering them. I know she is lying because I know how they feel about the situation. I'm not trying to turn her family on her, they were the only ones I could talk to at the time and they invited me to their house to talk and wanted me to keep them updated. Obviously my wife does not like that, so there was major divorce talk today between us. I'm almost to the point where I feel I'm hanging off a cliff by my finger tips and it's just easier to let go anymore. But everytime I see my kids faces, I know divorce is not the right answer.
I have somehow got to figure this out for the sake of my kids. When we were talking, there wasn't major heated discussions, except a few times when my wife tries to act like I'm controlling everything in her life. This pisses me off because that is completely not true and the only thing I was trying to control and had an issue with is her talking to her ex OM. She tries to act like I need to trust her and she was gradually stopping the texting, which actually there wasn't as much texting going on as there was a few weeks ago. Whatever though, it's still going on and I think it's inappropriate to be talking to her ex about intimate details of our life. Things were so good this last week, but it's crap again, at least tonight.
My wife is so dead set that divorce will fix things, so I kept saying fine, let's get divorced because that will make everything in everyone's lives better. I told her I didn't agree with that thought process and didn't feel it was what was best for our childeren and I was sorry she feels that way. I know, I know, I shouldn't try to explain my side to convince her, but at this point I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything anymore, I'm speaking my peace about how I feel and what I don't like. I'm letting it all hang out, and if she doesn't like it, then fine I guess divorce is what's best.
She said she now wants a "trial seperation" this summer when our son gets out of school (which she has said this before), but she's not moving out. I don't even know what that means. If she lives here, and we're not divorced, then we're still married and nothing has changed. She said she doesn't want any of my money, which aggravates me because I don't care about the money, she tries to make it sound like that is what I care about. I care about my kids and I want them to have a family and everything else at this point doesn't matter.
I don't know where to start anymore, I know I made a mistake of teling her family about the lawyer thing, I wish I had an undo button on that one. She has dropped the lawyer talk to me on more than one occasion, but today she said it was just an act. She acts like when I call her out on the texting, I need to let her come back (or not come back) to me at her own pace and let her deal with it. She still swears up and down she doesn't feel like that about him, and she's just talking to him because they are in similar situations. Well in my mind, especially with an ex, that has got affair written all over it.
I'm not denying that my wife is having an affair, whether it be emotional or god forbid physical. I know she has checked out of this relationship a while ago which I'm trying to come to grips with. She is not happy right now and I don't want her to be in an unhappy relationship. But I believe in marriage, I believe in being with the one you're with, and I have a family to fight for and I don't want to let go and let my family come unglued. In my mind we have petty issues that have spiraled out of control because I wasn't in tune with her or I felt like she was bitchy and nagging me, or I didn't listen to her etc...Agreed, these are problems, but they aren't deal breakers and those are things that can be fixed as we go through life. There's not drug abuse, there's no physical abuse, none of that. So I feel like we can salvage this marriage, and work on our weaknesses and focus on the positives. Maybe I'm dreaming, but I read Divorce Remedy, and I am convinced staying married is the right thing for me and my family and I'm not going to give up and throw in the towel. What I am struggling with is my method to my madness and I am struggling with this A with OM. I have told her what man would act rationally knowing his wife is in a text messaging affair. I am trying to let her know that if we do get divorced, let it be on our own terms and not in the heat of battle during this time when she's addicted to talking to her ex. I told her as long as she's talking to him, her vision will not be clear and there will be continuous confusion. Her response is she's felt like this for years.
This is where I need to shut up and stop justifying/explaining the situation. My wife has her mind made up in arguments, and she would rather die than even compromise the least little bit. I don't know, I can't explain it, when things are good with us, they are really very nice, but when they are bad they hit rock bottom at times. My wife didn't have the best childhood growing up, so she over compensates that she is not going to get walked on like her dad did her mom. I know her family past bites me in the butt often, and I automatically get compared to her dad and how he was, and she has it made up she won't go through life like that.
Man I wish I could just make a video of what is going on around here like reality TV and everyone could be giving me pointers on what I should do, or shouldn't do etc...I am seriously considering calling one of these coaches soon even though I'm seeing a therapist. I need answers fast before my wife is gone for good and my family is split forever. I'm in a rough spot in my life, but I am so confident if we can make it out of this rut, our marriage will be rock solid in the future, and that is what keeps me going everyday. Everyday my family is still together in the same house is one more day I have an opportunity to try and make things right around here.
Dan
M 34 W 31 S 8 D 3 W affair 3 seperate times with same ex since Feb 2010 I said I wanted divorced April 2012
