Allen, thank you so much for the advice. I think I've been concentrating so hard on GAL and being the positive happy person that H would be attracted too. I didn't even think about how that might convince him that I would be better off D.
I think you are letting MY anxiety get to you! You are doing great! Keep GALing, being positive. Think calm, stable, safe. cool, detached. I love Allen's retorts. I'm gonna file them in my head!
I am planning on NC for the next couple of weeks, and that will really help my mental state.
It really will help you gain perspective.
One other thing, he has been calling me more to ask questions about kids or bills instead of texting like he was before. However the last couple of days I haven't answered and then instead of calling him back I've been texting him back.
Good Job! Maybe he is curious about your new behavior. Let him wonder as much as possible b/c maybe he now thinks you are Ok with his behavior. It is hard to remind him you are not, while not bashing him over the head with it and seemingly in pursuit! Allen, I wish i knew what the "stare" looked like!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I am trying to learn how to act from your thread,mb28. This DBing is tough business. I'll never forget when my DB coach told me that some think acting happy and fine will make the spouse feel ok about their decision to divorce. (I thought "well, YEAH...") and he said "but you don't want them to come back to you because they feel sorry for you right? And you do want them to be happy, right?" I always asked- does this apply in infidelity cases? (And no, I don't want WH to be happy!) I did not get a straight answer about the infidelity-told that every case is different but there are common elements.
SO my thinking is that being in the middle/indifferent/poker face makes sense and I think that supports Allen's suggestion,right?
after all, being depressed is unappealing and a turn off. But being happy seems like it means "you are off the hook! I have accepted this! Go forth and file!"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
When some of us add MLC into the mix, it gets even more confusing. I think the MLer/WS needs more of a lifeline but also the threat of losing it. The boundary is the same but maybe fuzzier thus wider.
In a convo with H last week, I mentioned how sad and lost he seemed. He said he was depressed. Was I? I replied no. He asked if I was happy. I said no, not that either...just living life as it came. Wish I had a cheat sheet with me!! I feel like I need a cramming session before I see him!!!!
Disclaimer: I am still trying to figure out "How to be" when forced to have contact w/h. Otherwise, NC works best for me.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Whatnow- have your read my thread lately? I am in the same boat as to how to act when forced to have contact with WH and really prefer NC! (sorry for the threadjack, mb28! But it still applies to your sitch too!)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
In my opinion if your WS is showing doubt or REMORSE its BEST to NOT show happiness... it will reassure them their doubts are unfounded...
If the WS is showing NO remorse and just ANGER, I think its best to act warmly around them in the hope they find the warmth attractive because it softens the anger in them.
mb28`s husband isn`t showing anger, just some doubt... so I reccomend AVOIDING anything that may reassure him he`s making a healthy choice... Her showing happiness I think is just going to lead him to think he`s doing the `right thing`... which he`s not... its all about communicating with action really.. what do you think its best to communicate to him and how do you do itÉ
Allen A - thank you for all that advice. Knowing how to act around him is turning out to be the hardest for me. When I do act happy, he acts depressed and when I act depressed he acts happy. Your last post about when they are showing doubt vs anger really helps put it into perspective, thank you.
newmama and whatnow - please hijack anytime. Out sitch are all alike so it will help all of us.
Update: Yesterday I had posted on my FB "No longer willing to be plan B". My H unfriended me a couple of months ago, so I wasn't to concerned about him seeing it. Then at 10pm last night I get a text from him:
H: So do you want me to file? Me: Why? H: I heard u said on FB
I waited a little while and called him to ask him what he is talking about. He said someone told him that I posted I was done. I said NO and told him what I posted and lied and said it had to do with work. He wouldn't tell me who told him and then asked me to please tell him when I'm done, so he doesn't have to hear it from someone else. I just told him the same thing I always tell him "This is your D, and it is not what I want".
H: I know this is hard on you Me: Yes, and I'm sure it's hard for you too H: Are you done? Me: No, are you? H: I don't know, I'm so confussed and don't see how we can ever come back from this Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I just need more from you then you are willing to give me right now. H: like what? Me: Time with you. I'm not asking for the moon, just a little time to spend with each other to see if we can reconnect
He really didn't answer that, so I said, "k, I'll talk to you later" and he replied "k" and that was it. I know that was a little bit of a backslide for me, and I wish I wouldn't have called him. Oh and he sounded very depressed on the phone.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
After reading your convo with your husband I have this feeling that he is on the edge of a cliff as far as his decision making is going. I mean...that convo you had with him sounds like something I have had several times with my husband. Don't be surprised if today he acts all happy again like nothing is bothering him (he is only psyching himself out). One thing that my husband has said recently is that he had to try and convince himself that the decisions he was making were the right ones because he didn't know how to come back from all the lies and games he had played. Your husband isn't manipulative like mine I don't believe so in my opinion I think he truly doesn't know how to come back from the hurt that he knows he caused to you and so many other people.
IT is VERY hard to come back...your husband not only hurt you but his own family knows. He has also intruded on someone else's marriage. It can't be easy for these WS to have to face all the damage. For example, me and husband are attempting to work on things but he is not allowed to come to my parent's house because my dad will not welcome him here. My husband has to deal with this because that is another relationship that he broke in the process of all his lies and deceit. My husband's mom is also hurt by the level of manipulation that he put on me, her, and the OW who has his child. He has to deal with all this.
Your husband is on the edge and just doesn't know if he can deal with it all yet. Continue what you are doing. Be a little distant.
Oh and on that fb message, I know it is hard but don't respond to text messages like that. He is only baiting you and you shouldn't have to defend a status message that you put up on your private page. That is the LEAST of your husband's concerns...he is the one that IS having or WAS having an affair. Your status message is nothing but something for him to try and hang over your head or another justification for him to use regarding his string of bad decisions.
Sorry for the long post...hope it made sense.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
He really didn't answer that, so I said, "k, I'll talk to you later" and he replied "k" and that was it.
Sticky situation! I think you handled it fine under the circumstances, especially the way you responded to him when he didn't reply about spending time together. You didn't apply pressure.
Damn FB! gotta be careful about posting stuff about feelings though....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
4luv - thank you it does make sense. I think I'm just having a hard time with limbo land. I just have this feeling that if there is any question in his mind that we might get back together, why can't he agree to start taking some baby steps towards that.
Newmama - No more FB feelings for me. It really annoyed me that someone told him what I posted.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
