Working on a NEW marriage

[steady]

Good Surviving. I love the fact you brought up the transparency thing.

I didn't have a transparent marriage. I had passwords and my own computer. My W and I had a joint and separate checking accounts. This lead to some problems with me spending money she didn't know about and her feeling like I was hiding something because of our separate passwords.

If I could do it all over again this is what I'd do:

- No hidden passwords. We would both have the passwords to everything, whether they were joint or individual use

- One account. Both of our money goes in and out. Period.

- Joint credit cards. Nothing gets spent without the other one knowing about it.

- Full access to each others emails, facebook, phones, etc...


I know some people will say that what I wrote is not healthy because it would allow someone who is insecure to keep their insecurity - and they would be right. Just look at your own situation and what happened even though it was transparent.

I'll add a caveat to what I wrote above - this is what would have worked for me during my M. I hid stuff for a number of reasons - my W was very critical so she would find a way to show what I was buying was somehow wrong, I was under the belief I was doing something 'wrong' so it needed to be hidden, we both had trust issues baggage so the separate stuff only fueled those trust issues, etc. Being transparent would have forced both of us to face our issues about trust and self worth and change them in order to have a healthy relationship.

I've changed so most of this doesn't apply to me today. I am secure in who I am and what I have to offer someone. I am authentic and transparent (each day working on being more of both) so I have nothing to hide and would rather everyone know the real me and not some mask I'm wearing.

this is has been sooooo tough for me because one of my H original complaints in our M, and one reason that he had for wanting a D (before OW came into the picture) was that I dont trust him. I would constantly bring up past situations and relate them to anything and everything he wanted to do in the future. A night out with his buddies was an absolute no go with me. We both had each others passwords to everything, he never checked my stuff... I always checked his stuff. When H was being perfectly trust worthy, I didnt give him that benefit of the doubt....

the quote above led to:

everything I was always afraid of him doing, happened!

We end up having the things we are afraid of happen because of our actions due to that fear.

When you think someone is going to 'cheat' on you then we snoop, we accuse, we stalk, we accuse, etc... We end smothering the other person and pushing them further away from us. The further away they move, the more we don't trust, the more we snoop and smother. We end up pushing them to do the thing we fear the most.

Where does your insecurity arise from? You need to find this out and fix it. All the transparency in the world is not going to get you to trust him. You have proven this based on the fact you guys had transparency and you still didn't trust him.

- Are you not worthy to be loved?
- Do you feel if he really knew you he would leave you?
- Do you think he is the only person you could ever be with and if he left you would somehow not survive?
- Are you not happy with yourself as a person and a fully functioning individual?
- Do you understand a relationship is a bad place to have to 'get' something?

When you understand you don't need anything because you already have everything you need as an individual, then all your choices arise from a wanting rather than a needing. When this happens you are with someone because you want to be with them rather a need to be with them. They are two completely different worlds in a relationship.

It's a codependency issue. Google it and see if it rings a bell for you. I suffer the same thing and as you read around these boards I'll venture to guess a significant amount of people who are here have the same basic issues.

The tighter you squeeze someone to hold onto them, the faster you will lose them. I've been there and done that many times over my lifetime. When it happens enough to us we end up keeping a new significant other at arms length so as not to get hurt when they finally leave us. This also leads to the same fear being experienced again.

Think of it like this. If I pour water into your cupped hand, and you close your fingers, the water will be forced out of your hands. If you continue to cup the water, it stays. Love can be cupped but never squeezed.

I'll bet good money you don't have a healthy self image. All your trust issues have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with your perspective about yourself. They are your demons to find and to crush.