You need to back away and leave him alone. He is going to do what he wants to do and all the pleading is not going to stop him. It is making things worse. Men really hate that and see it as "nagging".
Your best shot at a second chance is to work on your self improvements, becoming the woman "you" want to be. Focus on your education, etc. Find information in how to be a woman of confidence and then apply that in your daily life. Men find women who are confident very sexy.
This will not come about over night b/c your H needs to be away from you and to miss you. When he hears about you through friends, or he runs into you at a bar or whatever, he will discover you really have changed from your clingy ways.
When you immediately stop contacting him, he will probably be relieved, but he may also wonder why you pulled back.
^^^^
I think Sandi has given you very good advice here.
we were making good memories, but he was bitter and angry in his own words. this didnt really come out unless i asked him about the relationship. our whole problem was that he didn;t think we could make good memories... so i thought seeing him was a good thing. i'll leave him be if you guys think it won't hasten a divorce.
My opinion is to make some new good memories. Don't over analyze whats going on and let him have a good time. That anger will subside if it stops getting pricked at. Have fun with your man.
DaddyLongShanks, you are thinking as a LBS. Her H is the WAS and she was pursuing him. That is a no-no in DBing. The more she pursued, the worse he acted. She needs to give him breathing room. They do not live together. She does not need to try to get him to date her! You can't make memories with a person who acts as if they desipse you! You leave them alone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You need to back away and leave him alone. He is going to do what he wants to do and all the pleading is not going to stop him. It is making things worse. Men really hate that and see it as "nagging".
Your best shot at a second chance is to work on your self improvements, becoming the woman "you" want to be. Focus on your education, etc. Find information in how to be a woman of confidence and then apply that in your daily life. Men find women who are confident very sexy.
This will not come about over night b/c your H needs to be away from you and to miss you. When he hears about you through friends, or he runs into you at a bar or whatever, he will discover you really have changed from your clingy ways.
When you immediately stop contacting him, he will probably be relieved, but he may also wonder why you pulled back.
The best advice is here. I KNOW, I BEEN HERE. And I didn't listen or take the advice. I just knew that I could save my M. I just knew that if I hung on hard enough or long enough H would return. We had a special bond. I seen hope in EVERYTHING. It's been 3 years. Adn we have been D for almost one. Now looking back I should have let him go when he asked me to. Now are lives are both in turmoil.
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
The best advice is here. I KNOW, I BEEN HERE. And I didn't listen or take the advice. I just knew that I could save my M. I just knew that if I hung on hard enough or long enough H would return. We had a special bond. I seen hope in EVERYTHING. It's been 3 years. Adn we have been D for almost one. Now looking back I should have let him go when he asked me to.
Correct. Those who let go are the ones with the best chance to save it. Those that don't let go and try the hardest are the ones most likely to fail.
ok i think that issue is do you let go completely? no contact? what if you show up with lunch and act happy? i did that initially and we were making good memories, but the last time i saw him he was so cruel to me. it just snapped. so that means its time to just kinda go away? you guys, he seems to only be thinking of the bad times. he says we had NO GOOD TIMES. he's SO ANGRY and when he is alone with his thoughts, that's what he is thinking. what will change that if i just go away? how doe sthat work exactly?
Let go completely. NO contact. When H and I were in an in-house separation, I treated him like a roommate. Didn't tell him where I was going, who I was with, or when I'd be home. Stayed out late, hung out with new friends, talked on the phone, IM'd people, hung out in my bedroom with the computer if he came upstairs to watch TV. Polite but living my own life.
Of course, my H was being Phantom of the Opera instead of the jerkwad your H is acting like. I would have invited him to leave the house if he'd acted like that and spoken not one word to him until he'd apologized and could speak to me with respect.
I lived my life, and my H came back. I realized I'd be fine and dandy if he wanted to pursue the hoebag he had the hots for, and I didn't need him for my personal happiness. I knew I'd meet someone else, and in the meantime, I was having lots of fun. In fact, I remember that summer as being one of the best on record for me. I found joy every day.
When you pursue him, he feels repulsed. Let him go wallow in his ugliness all by himself. Your H is the one who has cheated on you and been verbally abusive. I'm sure you made mistakes too and need to mature, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. He's blaming it all on you. It's called gaslighting...he makes you feel like you're the one who is crazy and has done wrong, and he is the innocent victim.
People have told you what to do, but you continue to ask, "What should I do?" Asking again won't give you a different answer.
Your H cannot be attracted to a doormat. He does not respect you because you've set no boundaries. It is time to put on the big girl panties and set your boundaries. Go live your life, and if H decides to remove his head from his rectum, you can tell him what you expect him to do in order to stay in the marriage. If not, you've worked on enjoying your life and finding your path without him.
Stop staying in a fearful place. You have already lost him, so the worst has happened. Act like a woman who knows her value, not like a woman who needs a man to prove her worth.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
....good advice. I guess I'll pull out my big girl panties. I do think being away gives me a perspective on exactly how much abuse was going on. I'm concerned for monotary reasons, the other reasons are being abused out of me.
Your H cannot be attracted to a doormat. He does not respect you because you've set no boundaries. It is time to put on the big girl panties and set your boundaries. Go live your life, and if H decides to remove his head from his rectum, you can tell him what you expect him to do in order to stay in the marriage. If not, you've worked on enjoying your life and finding your path without him.
Stop staying in a fearful place. You have already lost him, so the worst has happened. Act like a woman who knows her value, not like a woman who needs a man to prove her worth.
Perfect advice!!! Wel said!
was theotherhalf M43 H43 M22 T25 MLC/OW bomb 4/07 Hmoved out 8/07 D6/09 Still trying to accept and move on...
