After reflecting on yesterday and everything he'd said to me and the way he is obsessed with OW...maybe it will work between them. It's not about choosing what he wants anymore, he had already made his choice - OW.
I'm loosing hope, I'm probably fooling myself thinking that he may ever be coming back.
Oh, Mila, I keep reading and needing to post to you, I feel for you so badly. I'm so sorry I didn't stay up on your thread - I've been too busy to focus on anything other than my own thread and now I feel so sorry.
I feel the same way. My H is the type to jump in, but he seems like your H seems to me, like he wants comfort, reassurance and a rock, which is you. Remember that only 1-3% of A's wind up in long term R's and of those that M, 75% will D. Remember that, and you were given good advice, only believe half of what you see. Don't lose sight of that. It's something I have trouble with also, in the moment, when the pain hits... you want to believe their words, but the truth is, they won't even remember their words. They'll remember the feelings attached to it even less. He's all over the place, don't let him drag you in.
My H just got home for family night, I'll finish up later.
He also didn't remember anything about her after the EA was over. I wonder why that happens, the forgetting???
Maybe the forgetting happens because it's not the real them? It's the alien that gets involved with the ow/om, not the person we knew. The fog is so thick that maybe the brain doesn't process the way it did before?
Just some thoughts that could be way off base. lol
I agree with trustingfaith, Mila. Claim the space you told him you were taking and don't let it go. He needs to know that you were serious and will follow through. Be strong, Mila. This is for you. The NC will help YOU!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Oh! Oh! Oh! GO DARK. Do NOTHING with him. HE does everything on his own.
Please, I know exactly how you are feeling. Tonight as I was driving back from family night with the kids and H, he fell asleep. He was up all night chatting online with OW. I couldn't help myself, I put on the heated seats and classical music and told the kids to let daddy sleep. NO! WHY did I do that? Just when I was proving to myself that I'm detached...
You don't do the same, do NOTHING for him. He's testing you. This is just a test. A man who cares does not sleep with another woman. He's sleeping with a woman ---with small kids. HE IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND, he's an alien. If it were me, I'd write return to sender on the package. Or at least I'd think about it... LOL.
Seriously, do not respond. No "I told you I don't want to talk" Nothing. You should not even tell him you're going dark, part of the going dark is preserving your sanity and the other part, as an afterthought, is how you just disappear and leave them wondering what happened to you. Don't tell him any more about what is going on with you. It's hard, but think of him as an adversary if it helps you. Remember your love for him, but don't tell him anything.
Some of what will go on when you are DARK is that he will wonder - what's up with Mila, she said she didn't want to talk, but why isn't she talking? I didn't expect her to mean it, maybe I really hurt her (guilt, guilt, guilt - all from his own mind b/c of his own actions - nothing YOU are putting on him, all his own guilt) - etc etc. Let him work through this on his own. If you come to his rescue, you will be prolonging this stage. If he thinks you are right there where he left you, he will carry on with OW. If he has doubts that his cake is not where he left it, or has grown legs, he will start to worry. By responding to him, you will be reassuring him - it's OK, I'll be here while you experiment with another woman. There is one thing to be standing for your M, and another to be a doormat. You're no doormat, but you do sometimes set yourself up to be one. (Not that I don't, I'm just giving you friendly advice from one doormat-tendency woman to another.)
Pass is right about not saying anything about going dark. I struggled with that too. You want to tell them why you are doing it. Why? It will only come across as controlling or weak.
Just go dark...
And don't do it expecting some reaction from H. Most likely you'll get one but don't sit there with expectation for something...
Going dark is for you...it is a necessary stage in detachment IMO and when you come through it you won't need boundaries anymore...you'll be free. You can handle your H in any circumstance with loving detachment.
BUT...
It is HARD. You'll have to fight yourself for a while to do it but do it you must...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
He's doing what I expected him to do, start trying to break her darkness. Mila, I THINK I told you he might try this...I don't remember if I did.
Mila, do NOT answer him, you've ALREADY told him NOT to contact you b/c of what's happening with OW....you made it VERY clear you didn't want him contacting you.
Do NOT answer him...let him figure out what's going on at this point; he KNOWS what's going on, you do NOT have to spell this out for him AGAIN.
My husband, believe it or not did the SAME thing; tried to act like nothing was going on...I made the mistake of trying to explain AGAIN, and he blew up...didn't stop me, though; I kept leaving the rooms as he was entering them, would NOT having anything to do with him...and the trying to get rid of OW business actually speeded up because he got really scared he would lose ME.
Wait and watch, you WILL know if OW goes south or not.
Hang on Girl, you CAN DO THIS. He has to know you mean business....he's TESTING you to see what your weak points are.
Don't let him break through.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Sending a hug your way today Mila. Waiting to hear what's going on with YOU - not your H, but you.
Listen to HB, she's wise and I've printed and read so many of her posts to read and re-read. She's gotten me through a lot in the short time I've been on here again.
I wish I could go dark, but I'm afraid that my H would not care, would just move on. You have the benefit of knowing your H is still attached to you. Now, time to perform the dance. You move away, he moves towards you... only you won't notice b/c you will be off GAL. It's hard b/c you work together, but you can do it. You're strong, and you have much to be proud of.
and the trying to get rid of OW business actually speeded up because he got really scared he would lose ME.
Wait and watch, you WILL know if OW goes south or not.
HB
I've been trying understand this. If we do this with this outcome in mind aren't we attaching expectation to our boundary? The way I see it what you're saying IS necessary if we haven't reached the stage of loving detachment. Where one realizes that they have no control over the process, or timing of it so they can just be the stronger spouse standing in the face of any and all attempts or temptations to be brought back into the maelstrom of the MLC.
IOW the boundary of NC is neccesary during our journey to loving detachment. Am I looking at this the right way? In my sitch I don't have contact with W unless she reaches out. If she does I am friendly and just try to listen. I don't know if A is still on. I don't ask. Does it matter? She is on her timeframe. If I forced a boundary for the purpose of busting A does that really accomplish anything in her time and in her MLC? Or would her having to experience life with out Truegritter push her through the tunnel?
There's the rub...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I don't think HB is saying to do it with any expectations. She is just stating what happened with her H.
Nothing that TG does is going to push her through the tunnel. Not guaranteed. It might have an effect, it might not. HB is not saying to have expectations, that will not work. She is going to exit from her MLC on her timetable, not yours.
Maybe you are asking if you should lead her out of the tunnel. The answer to that would be yes. Loving detachment is a VERY necessary state to attain to help the LBS lead the MLC'er out of the crisis.
I am sure HB or someone else can add to this explanation.
