Working on a NEW marriage

[Surviving03]

You guys are always right.... this became very apparent last night. Things are still good with H and I, however, it became very obvious that we cant just pretend none of this ever happened and just be all happy.

Last night I was playing a game on H Ipod, he was sitting right next to me... I dont think it occured to him that I could see some of his old emails on his ipod from the last time he had gone online with the thing... so although these emails are not actually in his hotmail anymore, they still show up on the ipod in an offline status from the last time he used the internet on there (does that make sense?) so the emails are old, from the mid March time frame, however, they are emails I had not seen before between him and OW, I sat there and read thru some of them with him right next to me and he was completely oblivious to it. Anyways... got a little better picture of what the relationship was... basically it was one-sided... H seemed to really like her a little more than friends, and for her, it was just friends. He used little terms of endearment when addressing her in the emails, she never reciprocated that. His emails were always pretty flirty and obvious that he liked her... her emails were pretty innocent.... but its so hurtful to see your own H crush on another person and say little flirty things to someone else.

One email he said to her stuff like he feels his destiny is all coming together, and if he gets Nellis (where she lives) on his list of bases to choose from then it will just prove that point even more (nellis was in fact on his list after all, but H ended up putting GA as where he wanted to go for me)

I also saw an email where she had just gotten home herself from Iraq (this was during the time I had kicked H out of the house and he was staying in a hotel) and she was saying that her bf was being really sweet to her and he was alot different than she thought he was going to be when she got home (she had told H that she was going to be breaking up with bf when she got home) and H basically told her thats great, she deserves to be happy but that "everything I said to you and all the talks we had I meant, and just know that my friendship is unconditional" Soooo... anyways, I saw I think one more email between them since that one, and then it just kinda fizzled. So needless to say I started having overwhelming feelings of my H just stayed with me cause he couldnt be with this girl, which im sure happens in a lot of situations, they come back after things with OP doesnt work out... thats tough to recover from. In my situation, he didnt come back until a few weeks after that thing fizzled out, but still.

Now as far as a transparency plan..... this is has been sooooo tough for me because one of my H original complaints in our M, and one reason that he had for wanting a D (before OW came into the picture) was that I dont trust him. I would constantly bring up past situations and relate them to anything and everything he wanted to do in the future. A night out with his buddies was an absolute no go with me. We both had eachother passwords to everything, he never checked my stuff... I always checked his stuff. When H was being perfectly trust worthy, I didnt give him that benefit of the doubt. So when we first reconciled, I decided I wasnt going to ask for passwords again, I was going to show him I trusted him... but last night it hit me like a ton of bricks... I DONT TRUST HIM NOW! He betrayed me, everything I was always afraid of him doing, happened! So I struggle to find a balance with needing him to do things to prove his trust, and me also working on trusting him when he does deserve it. We talked last night about all this, for 4 hours! thats not a joke! lol and we went back and forth with basically what comes first... trusting, or trustworthiness. And I argued of course, trustworthiness comes first. I basically told him that while I do 100% get that before I was not trusting and it drove a wedge between us, now he actually has done something to betray me, in a BIG way. I couldnt, even if I wanted to, just hand out trust to him. It doesnt work like that. I said I hate to even have to say this but I need your passwords, I need you to be open and honest and no secrets and when the time comes where I feel that I can trust you, I can stop checking up on your stuff. And he said ok, so I will give it to you, and when that time comes I will then change my password so that you can show me that you do trust me....well I didnt go for that. I feel uncomfortable with that... I dont want to feel like we have an open honest marriage, for a certain time frame.... am I wrong here??

How do i find that balance??