Thanks gals. Can see the general consensus is "no, don't contact her", and I believe it to be right and wasn't going to do it anyway. But just needed reminding. I did it early on and it was the trigger that pushed them back together. They have become a 'team' since then. I thought Exposure would bust it. Well, it hasn't. Then I thought distance and time would bust it. Well no.

A common friend rang him yesterday and he told her they are still in contact. H refused to see this contact as a problem. Friend gave husband an all round bollocksing, especially on point of the OW (who is her cousin).

Problem is my H cannot/will not see that our M problems have ANYTHING to do with OW.
And that she is NOT an obstacle in him resolving things with me and the baby.

Friend said H is is major denial of having a crisis. He thinks he is not in crisis.

He also says no one is talking about HIS hapiness. Everyone says he has to be careful of my hapiness, that of the baby, that of the OW even, but he says he has a right to be happy.

Friend says you don't get happy this way, off the destruction of others.

But we've been telling him this for four months+ now.

conclusion:

H still struggling with idea that he has to do the right thing by other people, not just himself.
H thinks OW is not a problem to resolving his issues here.
H still thinks he can have a long distance relationship with his child and he is OK with that.

So, what di I make of all that?

I think H is being driven by an incredible selfishness which he is not ready to change at this juncture.
By this recent opening up of communication, I am saying to hiim, "I am needy and I accept your scraps".

I need to pick myself up and start putting my values first again:

1. that our M deserves a better ending than this.
2. that a child needs a better father than this and therefore I need to act as if my H and I are already divorced because I don't want his values to rule my life and decisions
3. I can provide the right kind of setting, but I can change him and turn him into the person I would like him to be. as painful, painful as it is.
4. DO all the above, don't SAY it to H again. Already said it 1000 times.


p.s. OW is part of our extended family. He's known her all her life (she's 10 years younger than him and the sister of his oldest friend - whose family sort of 'apoted' my H). I've known her for 14 years. She's fragile, beautiful, soft, hopeless at chosing the right guys.