I actually had a MATURE conversation with her just now. Basically, the takeaway is that I told her I do better when I'm not talking to her so much, and she said she can respect that boundary.
She's been feeling like I've been mad at her for awhile, and she's been doing nice things, like helping me out last Friday, and what she said this morning, and I'm barely talking to her. And she still finds it upsetting when she thinks I'm mad at her.
I did say that her comment this morning made me mad, that of course I'm not so bad, and basically told her, you're not going win. There's nothing you can say. Can't fix this, and you're not going to know how I'm going to respond. Sorry. And she admitted that maybe she does want to have cake and eat it too.
And then she said that we had such a close connection, that there's not very many people that she's had that with in her life. That we were so close in the beginning. She was struggling not to cry.
And I asked her, so you see it?? What we've lost? And I said "I am so mad at you."
And she asked how I can have so much emotion now when I seemed so disengaged at the end.
She sees that I'm happier now. And I told her I had to go.
Crap. Yeah, I've been spouting off here on the board, because it's an outlet, and I am mad. And it's not the money, it's not the kids, it's not the stuff she took, it's not the more complicated life, although that's easy to focus on and rant about. And honestly I've got it easy compared to a lot of situations here.
It's that we did have it. And we still do, we still could. And I have to kill what I feel. I have to bear down and push to sign those damn papers, with enthusiasm even, because it's the only sane choice. I can choose to not talk to her, so that I miss her less, so that I'm OK, great even - and she's STILL THERE, but not there. God, I hate her for that. Damn her for saying she misses me. I can't take it. I wish I could demonize her and just be done with her. But that's not how it is. It's the situation I want to be done with.
I asked her, what do you want from me? What do you want from this relationship? And she said... I can't tell you that now, because you've set the boundary.
