Can you see the Morning After

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I am very very sorry I made you feel that way.

It certainly wasn't my intention. I think you are awesome and I love to get advice from you, my implementation isn't always too great, but a lot of times I try. Sometimes I don't do so well.

I am still thinking of Zoo's post. I don't know if part of it is lazy or not. For some reason I don't think I let things soak in very well.

And then I get frustrated and impatient, and down on myself and down on David and basically just down on everything around me.

[psluke]

Hey Sage,

Sitting and thinking on your post still, does it help any with the validation, after the fact of course, that the reason I am trying to not talk as much and to listen more when with David is due to your telling me this before?

I know you have told me that more than once and I really am trying to work on it with David.

I hope that helps some, I definitely think your sharing that with me has helped me with listening more to David.

Thank you Sage for all of your wonderful help and advice.

[sage]

Ms. Pam,

Thanks for the apology and for the later post on validation.

I appreciate both!

Please know that I wasn't trying to beat you up.

Also note that I took responsibility for MY reaction (letting you know that I thought I personalized things, too).

Here's a good opportunity for us...

You heard my feelings
You apologized and responded
I'm acknowledging your apology but also letting you know I take responsibility too.

NOW...let's avoid runaway thinking on both sides, ok?

We're fine. You handled the situation beautifully. You can take a bit of this to use "next time" and I will too.

What I'm indirectly suggesting is don't take this sitch and RUN with it or spin on it. We did the "right" communication thingy and now we can move on...know what I mean?

Sage

[psluke]

Thank you awesome lady!

I am right with you and I FEEL better now!!!

[psluke]

Hey guys,

I suppose this is the 'fixer' in me. But just so you all know was chatting briefly with David and he is real sick today. He also shared he is feeling swamped. I asked if work or thread and he said both. I gave him a hug and said hope you feel better I will not interrupt you and I also pointed out that on thread it can always wait till evening or sometime when have time to think and respond.

He said I helped him feel a bit better.

[imalright]

Goodmorning, Pam!

Hope today is better for you, sorry to hear David is not feeling so great either. But, It's Friday and I'm glad to be home for the weekend.

Checked out that flylady web site. and that will keep me busy over the weekend. Getting organized! Can't wait to get started, and I got a lot done yesterday. But hopefully within a month I will have things in better control. I spend way to much time here! LOL

Have a great day!

Deb

[holdingon]

Pam,
You have such a great many people that post to you all the time, so, don't know how meaningful my post will be... but, here goes anyway.

You need to get some outside interests beyond this bb and the people on it. Yes, it is an awesome place, great advice, wonderful people caring about you. But, it can also be very depressing, and I find myself on it TOO much. When I am on it too much I get nothing tangible done. I know you spend a lot of time on it at work, so that might not apply to you. But after being on the bb for an hour or so, I find myself beating me up for not accomplishing things that STILL need to be done around the house. I feel much better when a room is clean, or the bed is made, or the dog poop in the yard is picked up, or I walk on my treadmill or lift weights. Practically ANYTHING makes me feel better in the long run.

Being on the bb makes me FOCUS on my sitch... never a good thing. When I do that, worry happens, fear happens, imagination happens. All not good things.

Also, the busier I am outside the house, doing something for someone else, even shopping, the better I feel. Even if they are time wasting things, which I did a lot of in the beginning.

Use this time to think about you. What do you like to do? What do you want to do? Anything that does not involve David or thinking about your sitch. Maybe the house is overwhelming to you because it focuses your atteniton on your home with David. This was a problem for me in the beginning. I tried then to spend as much time away from here as I could. But now I am better and can focus on stuff when I am here without things making me sad or crazy.

Some outside things to do, just in case you are wondering what the heck I am talking about:
1.Do a Bible study. These (I go Wed, and Monday and Sunday school) have helped A LOT since I know I am not alone, I meet people and my hole is filling with faith!
2. If you want to reread DR, how about going to your local bookstore, buying yourself a beverage and reading it there? Or the library?
3. Go shopping. Try on new, different clothes that you would not ordinarily try on.
4. Volunteer. Maybe you can foster puppies at your local shelter, or shop for them or whatever.

For right now, fill up your calendar, and therefore, fill up your brain. Is this easy?? NO. Is it worth it? Yes.

And as far as decorating for the holidays... definitely.

[imalright]

{{{{PAM}}}}
LOL! I came over here to give you more hugs. LOL!

I want you to know how much your support means to me! I would really miss not hearing from you during the day1 You are a ray of sunlight, through these dreary days! The sun wants to shine here! Maybe it needs a little goose! LOL.

If you want to chat sometime, I have yahoo IM willow12960.
I use to make baskets thats why the name willow. Infact I have 2 willow patches! LOL and I need to make some baskets, it has been too long!
OHHH! Lightbulb minute! Maybe I should make a bunch and have a Spring open house! I also quit, could throw a few of those in too! LOL
OMG, TY Pam. You just made me go from a 2PMA to a 9 PMA! You are so special! LOL. Really you are a very special person! You might not think you are to yourself, but YOU ARE!

Deb

[Jeannine]

LL's quote: look in the mirror (yes here it comes the sat night live skit) and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me"

Funny bit..

I was actually going to post this exercise to you today, Pam.

Earlier this week, I looked in the mirror and told myself all those things that I so long to hear from my H.

I know it sounds goofy but that simple little exercise invoked a deep, comfortable feeling within me.

I can also vouch for the power of silence. I no longer allow myself to immediately respond verbally to feelings of anger, hostility, fear, or hurt. (Ok...sometimes I slip up.... ....just not as often.)
I also have trimmed back on the "questions", you know, the kind that we want an answer to yesterday!

I've also created a policy for myself of "Listen, Review and Wait" The level of discomfort that I often experience in implementing this policy can seem unbearable at times. But after having practiced this over and over again, I've learned that I CAN bear it and have taken back a measure of control in this area of my life.

When my mind tells me that I can't live like this any longer, I gently remind it that "I can" and what's more "I will".

I really like Sage's idea with the chapter by chapter review. I for one, will surely benefit from it.

[psluke]

I wanted to say I am NOT ignoring all of the great posts I have gotten. I am actually still kicking them around in my head and trying to get them to REALLY soak in this time.

I feel maybe they will make more of an impact if I don't just whip out an answer and move on. But I am reading them and thinking on them and trying to figure how best to put them into practice.

So they are much appreciated and not being ignored!

My PMA is very good today. I woke up with a crappie sinus headache which is still sort of hanging around but I read on the bb and just have a happy feeling inside right now that I sure do wish would stay around!!!

Another positive for today.

I sent David an IM a little before 11 as he likes to get out early for lunch to remind him to get lunch today and not to skip as he already isn't feeling well. I hope that simply came across as caring. He has given me a hard time, jokingly before over not reminding him it is lunch time. He gets so wrapped up in work he doesn't notice the time. He just sent one back that said ok and I sent a smile only back.

Then a bit latter got message that just said food run. He didn't have to send a message but he did and that was a pick me up.