Thank you so much for commenting on my sitch. Yes, you are right ... I'm no guru when it comes to finances. In fact, I'm pretty stupid when it comes to decent men as my sitch can attest to. I need major help setting up my finances, since I've been living off my credit card for almost two years now. The bank told me yesterday that my $22K limit has just been reduced to $17, which is what I own. Did you know they can lower your limit based on the "dept-to-income" ratio? So, now when I need it the most to pay for attys fees, it's gone. What to do, what to do?
Anyway, my atty called me today and said I now own $1,500 in my reserve because it's gone. She told me to sell his guns, which is what I plan to do today. She told me to bring the money to her office and that will show, all the more, that I am in serious financial straights.
His atty didn't even know what was on the table at mediation....huh???? How stupid can a person be? Or, is it a ploy? He's asking to sell the boats and trailors to help pay for fees, which we agreed to. (They are only worth a couple of K all together). His atty, asked my atty yesterday if I have starting working on my support rehab info (whatever that means) and my atty told her no. She said, (H's atty) that temp support offer is no longer on the table. It was just to offer if we got out of mediation. Now that we're going to trial, it's going to be for permanent support!!! As for the house: I'm not going anywhere. I have people telling me he's in for a big eye opener, and very soon!
I can't really offer much as far as the negotiated terms you are dealing with. My divorce was done without lawyers OR mediators - ex and myself worked out the terms ourselves. This was possible mostly because we had more debt than assets and she was in such a hurry to go that she wasn't interested in haggling.
What I can tell you is that now is the time for you to find YOUR life again. Even as you are dealing with the business of ending a marriage, you must begin finding your way in this new world of post-marriage. Time is a great healer, but you will gain the most as you begin to let some of these things about your husband go.
Remind yourself that he is not your husband anymore. Remind yourself that he does not make your decisions anymore. Remind yourself that he cannot tell you what to do anymore. Remind yourself that it is no longer one of your concerns to protect him or to help him.
He chose to become a part of your past. It was a decision that you didn't get any input on. And as a result he does not get to have input into your life anymore.
Stop giving him information when he requests it from you. Direct him instead to your attorney. Consult with your attorney about the pros and cons of the decisions you need to make, then make the choices that you can see yourself happy to live with for the forseable future.
Then once you have made your choices, stand firm on them, and do not allow words or actions by your husband to make you give in on your demands. As many others have said, this is about business now. What matters now is that you provide for yourself as well as you can within the legal system.
It's hard now. It will get better as time goes by. Eventually you will find the ability to look back on the past 14 years honestly, and you will find that while you have lost some signiicant things, you have also managed to get rid of some undesireable things in your life. Even better, you have endless possibilities in front of you now.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bill: This is excellent advice that applies to everyone going through a divorce. I hope that many read it and heed your words. The true healing begins when you let go, even just a little.
Excellent advice Bill. I even still post this on others threads: that the only true path to healing or even 'winning back' one's spouse is to let go.
Thanks Bill.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
That was excellent advice, Bill. You know I've heard it from you before, and so many times since. If could have only reminded myself that two years ago when all this was happening, I would have been farther along now, maybe even divorced. But, I believed in the DB ways and tried to save my marriage. Ho hum, don't practice, don't preach -- know what I mean?
But that was two years ago. That was 2008. This was 2010. Things have come a long way since then. I've learned so much as anyone who has followed my sitch can attest to.
Things have changed ... dramatically.
I just wish you and everyone else would believe that I've moved on. I can't make anyone on these boards believe it, so I'm guessing my sitch may end up going by the wayside eventually because nobody's listening to me except for klm and gardner man. No more sympathy.
What does it take for people to believe? (rhetorical qauestion), I'm not concerned about him anymore, except for his salvation and well being. There, I've said it. And,"True love never dies."
Once again, I would love some feedback on the financial status questions if anyone has some. I welcome your response.
Below:
"Yes, you are right ... I'm no guru when it comes to finances ... I need major help setting up my finances, since I've been living off my credit card for almost two years now."
Please read my last post for more info...
Finding a job is next to impossible right now. I live near a college town and I get passed over for interviews by younger, less experience student graduates. It is what it is. (I apply for 2-6 jobs a week. I received two rejection letters within two hours of applying yesterday, saying I was not qualified. I was amply qualified. (Anyone who wishes to read my cover letters and resume, let me know). This is not whining. This is just stating facts.
Anyway, my atty called me and said I now owe $1,500 in my reserve because it's gone. She told me to sell his guns, which I found are only worth $300. Has anyone ever bought or sold guns?
I emailed her yesterday and told her to stop negotiating with H's atty. No more contact. I'm done!
I had brunch with my favorite priest yesterday. He is going home, to Nigeria for a month, and I'm going to miss him. He leaves on Sunday, but I will be able to hear his sermon one more time before he goes. He was there for me when I was going through the worst of this messy life episode.
He has followed me, in my separation and divorce since the beginning, and he has read all the emails to other women and prostitutes in real time and while I too, was just finding out about them. During brunch, I mentioned how "sick" my H is, and he scolded me a little, saying it's not our place to judge him. He was right. I have to learn not to judge and just continue to keep praying for his forgiveness.
(If you're interested, there is more about him (the priest) on the forgiveness board - under "The eerie story of fht elife of love").
OK, well another day of insecurity has me bursting with joy! I have had exactly $1.05 in my checking account for about a week. I've been living off $30 cash and frugalizing (not a word) every penny of it, until today.
First I called the government to see what is the holdup on my money. They apparently never received my fax from April 9th (of which I, thankfully, kept the confirmation number). Otherwise, I'd be up a creek right now.
Ya know the sad part about this is, I told my H a month ago, that he can either give me the money, or he can give it to the attorneys. He said, "I'll take my chances." What can you say about a person like that?
AND, Hallalulia! I sold the H's guns for the price I needed. I promptly took the money down to the attorney's office and paid my overdue fees. I wrote her a note which said, "Please use this down payment only for your preparation and, hopefully, the temporary support hearing."
If I'm lucky, or walking on the right path with the Holy Spirit, the judge will see the H's error of his ways and make a positive mandate. Ya know the sad part about this whole thing is, I told my H about a month ago that he can either give me the money or keep giving it to the attorneys. He said, "I'll take my chances." What can ya say about a person like that. He's hurting me so much.
I'm glad you were able to sell the guns for what you needed. I hope tht having the fax confimation helps to take care of that, too.
Your H... well, we know he has really serious issues, right? In his head, I think he has to blame you for everything, or it will explode. So, he is more willing to take his chances than to just accept his responsibility for anything. I know it all feels personal, but it's really a lot more about him than it is about you.
Keep your patience and dignity. I think things are going to get better for you if you do that. I really believe that.
OK, well another day of insecurity has me bursting with joy! I have had exactly $1.05 in my checking account for about a week. I've been living off $30 cash and frugalizing (not a word) every penny of it.
Boy, can Gardener relate to that!
Originally Posted By: poet
Ya know the sad part about this is, I told my H a month ago, that he can either give me the money, or he can give it to the attorneys. He said, "I'll take my chances." What can you say about a person like that?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Glad you sold his guns and squared away - and moved forward with - L. Good for you!
Originally Posted By: poet
painful-ridden poet
I pray that you become better at - and you will - at ridding poet of pain. p.s. I used to be a corp recruiter in a past life. I'm rusty, but I was good. Find me on the .alt and maybe I can offer some pointers on your resume and cover letter. No promises. p.p.s Did one of us misunderstand the other over at ClingingToHope's thread? I answered you there.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
"Your H... well, we know he has really serious issues, right? In his head, I think he has to blame you for everything, or it will explode."
Hi Jeff, Thanks for posting to my thread. Your quote above made so much sense to me that I really have to take it to heart. I know in my head that you are right, and all. But, it still hurts to have someone who claimed to love me -- and still claims that he did once love me -- to hurt me so badly.
If you don't mind me asking, can you be a little more specific about what you meant by "serious issues?" I mean, I think I know what you mean, and that phrase is always used as a be all, and end all, but most people use it in very vague terms. I'm saying, what exactly were you saying?
I went to Vocational Rehab (where they help people get back on their feet) this morning. The counselor wanted to know about my physical and emotional ailments. When I mentioned that I had gone to counseling for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, she asked about it. Of course, I had to tell her about his shenanigans with prostitutes and other women and how I was driving back and forth to work for 4 hours a day, and crying everyday.
You wanna know what her reaction was? She said, "It seems unreal to me."
I told her that it WAS unreal, that it is "surreal." And that's what it felt like, and still feels like to some extent. I've gotten to the point in my healing process where I don't think about him every waking moment anymore. And when I do think about him, it's usually of some specific memory where he was literally betraying me. (I can often look back now and see the truer experiences he was having).
I was just reading on another thread, I think it was Lolal's thread: "Volare...hey! ohwoh...Cantare, wohwohwohwoh..." how some of the gals there still think about their ex's, I think it was JCJ, Lolol and BobbiJo. Although they never post to my thread, I still feel connected to them in certain ways. I guess it's because we all have feelings.
