You have some very SPECIFIC things you can do. Your W has told you exactly what those are. If you are interested in keeping your M, you know what you need to do.
You can start this in a real simple way. Honesty. If you had a cig or a couple of beers, or whatever, be honest about it with your W. Dishonesty doubles the problem. You've got the problem itself to deal with PLUS the dishonesty. Your M can work out, but EVERYONE wants honesty in their M. I assume you expect it from your W?
Then you can start working on the other stuff...quit smoking, quit drinking, attend church...if that's all stuff you've agreed to do, then start doing it.
You say in your opinion her mind is a mess....well, yes it probably is. According to you, she has a husband who is dishonest to his W, has debt issues, and a teenager in the house. IMO, you should start with your honesty issues. Trust in a M is vital.
Very well said, here is some more information: I came clean on everything with her. Every lie I ever told. This actually included taking pills behind her back (oxy, vicodin, perc), something I would do probably once a month on the weekend. But I started to develope issues with that. Since all this hit the fan I have 100% stopped and told all my friends and family about it. Actually, last Friday I was offered pills no charge! And I straight up declined it. But if I tell my wife, this equates to words, words are meaningless now as I have lied about so much and so consistantly. I'm almost 30 (7/26) and I have set a goal to quit smoking before then, I'm going to purchase patches, not even because she wants me to, because I want to. To clarify; that the debt is mostly hers, she has been using shopping as therapy. Without my income, it will be hard on her, and to be honest, that kills me.
When I came clean with her, it was like a whole new deception. A lot to process.... hmmmmmm ok yeah that clicks Glimmerman, I see what you are saying. I have given her free access to my FB and all email accounts as well. I have carried my cigarettes in front of her since that day, and smoked in front of her. She has called me while I'm buying cigarettes, asked what I'm doing, and I am honest with her. But do I expect a few months of (as far as she would see it, and I dont't blame her) forced honesty to erase a year of lies? absolutely not. I imagine in my absence she is left to question every little thing, every little doubt she ever had about me, and in her frustration, finds it easier to D and just not continue processing it. I do not blame her for any of that at all. I feel absolutely devastated that I caused her so much pain and distrust. She has always been honest with me, always. I owed her the same, and did not give it. She says she forgives me, but does not believe she can trust me again. Now that I'm coming out of my depressed funk, largely due to an awesome support system and reading this board over the last few days, I'm starting to look forward. Trying to plot out these changes.
I thank you so much for your response and your blunt-ness!! I need it!!
