The thing that pissed me off is the criticism. I really, really think he has a set of balls to be critical of me. Ex, I get that you don't like me/things that I do - obviously to the point that you tossed the marriage. I get it. Why keep harping on me, seeing only flaws?
I did step back last night (HATE how this stuff still affects me). The point about the bank account (being very low to empty) is no different than what it had been while we were together - for him to say it bothered him, well, it has nothing to do with him. I do, however, appreciate being told that S14 brought it up. I actually brought it up with S14 tonight: just asked if he was concerned about finances or anything, that he could talk to me. He said he doesn't know how they ended up on the topic, but did tell his dad about the "empty" account. I reminded him about the college savings plan I have for him through my job, and that things on that end were fine.
And as far as X downgrading.....you know what, I believe it. And my son believes it. My daughter will come to believe it, in time. There is no way not to. If S14 was the one that threw it in his father's face, he would deserve it.
However, I did think about what I want to present to the world (including my kids, and myself). I took the pages down that were negative.
OT, I did double-check my page after you wrote - I was pretty sure that it was set to a pretty private setting. So, I used S14's password to look at my profile - only what I write is visible, and I (usually) stay aware of what I am writing. I really didn't think about where things landed when I "liked" a group - apparently, on your info page for all to see, with no way to block that info! He can't see what my friends post on my wall...he'd have to click to their profile from my page and look at their wall. He has enough of his own friends that he doesn't have time to look through mine...(and I checked his history, just in case).
I broke down a little with my friend today - she had come over to wrap up her resume and application for teaching. You know, I hate to admit it, it is embarrassing and frustrating, but....I think I still love my ex, who he was. I still miss him, and wonder how he hasn't looked back with any regrets. It's like the love you have when someone dies, except he is still walking around, just happy to be rid of me from his life. I don't know why, but there is a part of me still in shock about that; can't believe it. Gardener wrote this: Marriage means Never, ever giving up on the other person. And he did give up on me. Still hurts.
I flip-flop between being graceful and polite around him, which seems to trigger my rose-colored glasses and make me miss him all over again (back on the denial train), to just being this huge b!tch who feels better when I just expect him to be an a$$hole. I don't like either place. So, I am still in NC mode, sticking to email when at all possible. The 20+ years we had together and I was happy is just too stark of a contrast with where things are, now.
His criticisms - hell, where does he EXPECT me to be? He should only know how much of his choices regarding the kids I disapprove of and don't voice...the biggest and most obvious being having that woman in their lives at all. Does he really think that, at some point, I am going to welcome her into their lives and thank her?
Ugh, I know this is all old recycling stuff. Hopefully it will settle back down again soon... God, is part of me still waiting around for him to wake up?! What is wrong with me?????
