I am going to try my darn hardest to act as if. He has been reaching out a bit more the past two days... i am taking it that he likes me in his life as his friend and is trying to make things easier for when the baby comes...
Do i think he will feel something... Absolutely! I am so confident in saying that. Strange, but i am. Doesnt mean he will act on it or do anything about it. He has told me that he misses us, and wishes he had done things differently when he started to feel distant in our M and wishes we had gone to counseling. But he will have to have really strong feelings over a great period of time for him to think about coming back...
I hope that in the end we both are happy and comfortable and have a good time planning for the baby. And that is the only thing I want... for now! I have replaced his name on my phone with DETACH, to serve as a reminder that, it is what I am supposed to be doing and feeling. I need to let H go through his journey of whatever it is he is going through... and I have no control over his feelings.
My Mantra Baby steps... one day at a time... no expectations... detach... Act as if... Love from a distance... Be the best you... for yourself...
For now worry about having a good counselling session. I'd be attractive, and not worry about attaching or detaching. Just be there and enjoy taking in the new information and the participatoin for this phase.
In your quest to fix your marriage, you may encounter resistance...from your spouse!
Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why "this just won't work for us" and blame you for every one.
Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out" of the marriage and not care about your efforts to improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their own.
This, by far, is the most common question people ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?"
Why would your spouse resist change in your marriage and what should you do about it?
There's a deep-seated belief in our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this true? Do people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to change? If you look closely at human nature, it's not change itself we resist; it's change that's IMPOSED UPON US.
Think about it. We have no problem with change that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist with all our might.
Your spouse may not be willing to change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that's not because your spouse doesn't want a great marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It's because if they're going to change, they want the change to be THEIR IDEA!
I promise you; your spouse will change when they're ready to change and not one second before. And the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it's hard to wait, but you have to let it come from them.
It's possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the inspiration is YOU. It's sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to get through to your spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse than anything YOU could say.
Your effort to change your spouse is probably COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that you're "in the way." You need to get out of the way and create the space for your spouse to CHOOSE to change. That's the only way it'll ever happen.
I can't tell you how many times a spouse will say to me that their husband/wife changed for a few days, but then returned to their old ways. That's because they never really decided to change. They were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it didn't stick.
If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's the only way it'll make a difference long term in your marriage.
Now you're probably thinking, "Makes sense, but isn't there anything I can do to encourage my spouse's choice?" YES, there is! YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your spouse see how the choices YOU'RE making impact how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program." The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love in our marriage is in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a verb. And if we do it - if we love - then we feel love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.
Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they're such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
Furthermore, there's no better way to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than to make that choice yourself.
So, bottom line - as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see." It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change.
I love how you changed his name on your phone, ha ha! I took mine out of my phone completely a while ago. (Out of sheer habit, I accidentally sent him a text that was supposed to go to one of my supporters. Oops. . . so I couldn't have that anymore, so I deleted him!)
I will probably need to put him back in, though, if we ever coordinate over baby. And if so, I'll do something creative like you did.
good one- DETACH left you a text message. Missed call from DETACH. Who's calling? Oh- it's DETACH! LMAO!
read this whole thing before reacting: I am rolling my eyes and gagging myself though when I read that your H said he misses you guys and wishes you went to counseling when you were distant. BECAUSE it's like he is saying "it's too late now-there was a window and alas, it has been shut and can never be open again."
It also gives me hope because you are about the shock and surprise him with your caring but not pursuing attitude and seriously do not contact him first, hang up first, be busy, and just act as if he is your friendly neighbor who got you pregnant. Avoid hugging him, leaning on him, kissing him, referencing history together...I mean it. BECAUSE you just may be able to create that opposite reaction from him- you know, you pull away, he comes forward! I am excited for you! But no expectations.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I also love the "DETACH" thing! Brilliant idea. And the Gandhi quote is great.
G, don't you love technology - flying off txts and emails to the wrong person! Soooo dangerous, ha ha.
BD, I really think the advice here in the last posts is great, if you can maintain the detachedness (esp like MN's pretend he's the friendly neighbour who got you pregnant, LOL!!!!).
If you are feeling stressed on the day, consider cancelling on him. I know you are feeling in a good space today, but will it be the same next week? or tomorrow? see what I mean?
I actually think talking about forceps and placentas and breast feeding is not too super sexy and that him missing the classes is not the be and end all. I am having the same convo about H being present in the birth. He doesn't want to - i think 1. because he thinks it will distract me but i think the real reason is 2. H doesn't see me as his sexy lady anymore, he sees OW that way, and doesn't want to see me in an intimate space. I reckon that birth can't be pretty, and I'm not sure I want to instill a vision of me as "mother" instead of "wife/hot babe", lol!
about mother versus hot babe...am pretty sure you will only want to be thought of as mother for the first couple of months (even if you were happily married) and then somewhere between 3-6 months post birth, you will get your mojo back! I am sorry this is based on me and my friends. Actually because I was DBing, I started doing my hair and make up and NOT wearing sweats all day and looking like a "mom" around October.
Now I want to look like a MILF! (lol! not slutty! but I want people to say "wow, you have a baby? I had no idea!" So that is how I am dressing these days.
And doing your hair and make up (sorry, if you do that kind of thing) really helps your mood!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I am all about the MILF thing, hope I can pull it off, too.
One reason I don't want WH in the birthing room is that same thing, P-- I don't think he can handle seeing me in that way. It would be another hurdle we'd have to process.
And BD, I didn't read that poem you posted until now since I was writing at the same time! It's really great. It is really important for us to keep in mind.
I did take H out of my phone, but then when he would call or text or email, I thought it would be easier to have a name for him. I accidentally sent a text to a friend too instead of H; if that doesnt teach you to be careful with what you write! haha In case you need names to replace your H's, I've also used DO NOT ANSWER DO NOT CALL (didnt work for me), Ex-Husband (thought it was too negative - The Secret), Bastard (in my moments of anger), ILYBINILWY (to remind me how he hurt me), but the one that works the best is DETACH. It reminds me to take a deep breath before answering, or writing back, or if I get the urge to write it reminds me not too. So DETACH it is!
Tonight, H called to ask if he could come pick up dog, and I said sure, i need to get in the shower and get ready for tomorrow... and the dog, my baby, was happy to go! H texted me every move dog made while at his parents. And i though H would just drop dog off and drive away, but he parked the car and came in and we just talked. Just about stuff...
I was confident and happy and smiles, acted as if, and I think i kind of noticed him trying to figure me out! hahahahaha!
No pressure, no expectations!
So tomorrow "my neighbor" and I go to a baby doctor appointment together. Will keep you posted! Please send me positive energies that I maintain my cool, and continue to just be!
P, "If you are feeling stressed on the day, consider cancelling on him." Excellent suggestion!
NM, love the neighbor who got me pregnant! (literally) "I am rolling my eyes and gagging myself though when I read that your H said he misses you guys and wishes you went to counseling when you were distant. BECAUSE it's like he is saying "it's too late now-there was a window and alas, it has been shut and can never be open again." I AGREE!!! I was really upset to hear this b/c how does he assume that its too late now! His time line doesnt make sense... he was in love with me November, but December feelings changed!!!! WHAT???
G, try replacing his name with DETACH! It really works! Or come up with something funny, so you can at least laugh off any nervous energy when you see his name on your phone... if you add him back in
DLS, I am taking your advice to just enjoy the moments at that time.
