5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

[JacT]

http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/index.php?autocom=blog&blogid=49&showentry=1867

Here is another website I picked up from the MLC Forum.There is some interesting info from a MlC point of view and how the fog really does make them into aliens.
Piano I also think there is still Hope but dont dwell on it.Concentrate on you and your baby and god will take care of the rest.You are a remarkable lady to get through this in your current'baby' pahse..well done your doing great.

[Piano]

booked in for another DB coach session this week. will see how that goes. very keen to hear what coach has to say about H's parenting session with her a few weeks back, and steps forward given the last few weeks.

Interesting couple of days:

2 phone calls since 5 hour talk fest with H on the weekend.

very calm, I would say friendly.

H seems to realise he needs to change, and give more, that I/we are all sick of this being unilateral & only about him. Told him to put himself to the side as a baby is about to be born. Seems to be sinking in.

** mental note: having just read Babydoll's thread, I need to keep in mind that Ghandi quote of not pushing change, but leading by example, and keep putting that at the centre of my actions/reactions.

We talked names in a friendly easy going manner.

We talked about his presence around the time of birth. He would like to be called and wait in the waiting room and not come in to the delivery suite, but he will follow my lead and do what I want and if i don't call him until she is born that is ok. He very shyly asked who would make the phone call to him. I said I would (if capable) or my mother.

I asked him if he would at all have like to be in the birth room and he said "no". Why? Too intimate & he doesn't want to be in an intimate space with me, plus he thinks it would be bad for me if I am trying to feel secure and safe.

I think it would be darn unsexy to see me give birth, if he has already stopped viewing me as his "hot lady", lol! What do you reckon?

We didn't talk R. But I said I needed my friend at this juncture. Bad move? I just really mean it...I just don't want to do this next step "thinking he is the friendly neighbour who got me pregnant"... NM - should I be apllying that to the Birth alos? I'm just such a romatntic and the birth seems so emtional to me now... do I need to detach and view him just as the father of the baby, not my H who created her with love? I feel I could do that with birth classes perhaps, but not sure about the birth itself...

I said if money/work is becoming a huge struggle, then we need to pull together to make it work for him to be able to live here.
Not sure what that will entail, but we can see.

I still miss him like hell, and all I can think of doing is let the dust settle, rebuild a friendship if we are lucky and keep him in the country so that OW and his chances of continuing become slimmer and slimmer.

[newmama]

I think that while you are pushing that baby out, the world around you will be a blur...when you push her out, I think they will take her, suction out the stuff in her throat and wrap her in a blanket and then quickly lay her on you. After a few minutes they will take her and check her all over.

They might ask if anyone wants to cut the cord.

Well my feeling is that once she is out, you will immediately want your H there to see her. So if someone can get him or call him minutes before you push her out, that would be good.

Now is your H scared of hospitals? Blood? seeing you in pain???

[Piano]

Hi NM, thanks for that! Good advice. No he's not scared and he's seen me in pain.... I think he just doesn't want to be in any "intimate" space with me. I think it's cos he's transferred those intimate feelings to OW..I think his affair is a way of being loyal to someone else other than me.

[Piano]

What are our thoughts about contacting the OW. She is a friend of mine (not a close one). She is not the hysterical type.

I wonder often if I could just talk to her and ask her to have come compassion, and to leave my H and me alone.

[newmama]

Piano, she is/ WAS a friend of yours?????

Ok the popular opinion is that contacting her will not help. It will cause her to turn to WH and have another thing to bond them together....you know she complains about you and is so stressed that you called her, etc. (just a guess)

Your H will be peeved(NOT THAT IT MATTERS!!!).

But here is something else to think about--it is a lot easier to not have to face what she is doing when she doesn't have to have contact from you! If you do try to contact her, don't expect what you say to make her leave.

If she was a friend of yours, I guess that could change the rules a bit.

[gatsby11]

Yeah, wow, I can't believe she ever called you friend. Wow.

I already said on BD's thread that I feel a similar way about my WH being in the room with me- don't want him there because it will taint his vision of me forever. But I think my WH just has an issue with mothers and birthing. Seriously. I don't think most guys have those issues. So maybe just decide as it happens.

I think it's really good that you guys kept your conversation friendly. You have to navigate this time well, and I think friendliness is the high road.

[gatsby11]

Oh and about the OW, I have no idea.

I guess I would just say proceed with caution. It could be really painful for you.

[Babydoll]

lots of luck with the DB coach! keep us posted.

I think its great you and H have spoken about the birth, names, finances, etc. Its helpful to talk things out, right?

About the birth... my honest opinion... sounds like your H is scared of being in an intimate setting because he is afraid of what he can feel for you. I dont think he will be the focus of your day when you are having a natural birth! Maybe you should tell him that... Or maybe he would be okay being in the room if you also had your mother or a doula in the room with you too? So he doesnt have to feel like you are leaning entirely on him. Make him see its not just for you but for the baby too?

As for contacting the OW, be careful it doesnt come back to haunt you. If she is capable of dating a married man with a pregnant wife, after having been your friend, then she must be a B#@&$. What if she gets angry that you asked her to stay away and H defends her, or if she creates more drama and distance between you and H? You've worked so hard DBing your butt off to push H further away! I would think its best to leave her out of it, as if she doesnt exist. Contacting her is giving her an ego boost by saying I know you mean something to H, but I wish you didnt? She doesnt deserve that boost of confidence! and neither does he. By acting like OW doesnt exist will probably annoy her more anyways! And she will feel left out and hopefully fall out of the picture!!! SOON!!!! Like DLS mentioned in my thread, some women like to come between couples and start trouble and create turmoil, and I'm afraid if you ruffle her feathers... the crazy witch may not be so nice, will just feed H and her ego. Just my opinion!

Take the high road! Dont waste a single breath on the OW. She does NOT deserve one minute of your thoughts! Especially with the baby on the way! Act as if she is not even in the picture!

You are too good for that Piano! You've worked to hard.

I know its easier said than done, but dont give her an ounce of credit in why you and H are separated. She is just temporary! My PC one told me when we first met that affairs do NOT last and only 5% actually stay together! That is a failure rate of 95%!

[Piano]

Thanks gals. Can see the general consensus is "no, don't contact her", and I believe it to be right and wasn't going to do it anyway. But just needed reminding. I did it early on and it was the trigger that pushed them back together. They have become a 'team' since then. I thought Exposure would bust it. Well, it hasn't. Then I thought distance and time would bust it. Well no.

A common friend rang him yesterday and he told her they are still in contact. H refused to see this contact as a problem. Friend gave husband an all round bollocksing, especially on point of the OW (who is her cousin).

Problem is my H cannot/will not see that our M problems have ANYTHING to do with OW.
And that she is NOT an obstacle in him resolving things with me and the baby.

Friend said H is is major denial of having a crisis. He thinks he is not in crisis.

He also says no one is talking about HIS hapiness. Everyone says he has to be careful of my hapiness, that of the baby, that of the OW even, but he says he has a right to be happy.

Friend says you don't get happy this way, off the destruction of others.

But we've been telling him this for four months+ now.

conclusion:

H still struggling with idea that he has to do the right thing by other people, not just himself.
H thinks OW is not a problem to resolving his issues here.
H still thinks he can have a long distance relationship with his child and he is OK with that.

So, what di I make of all that?

I think H is being driven by an incredible selfishness which he is not ready to change at this juncture.
By this recent opening up of communication, I am saying to hiim, "I am needy and I accept your scraps".

I need to pick myself up and start putting my values first again:

1. that our M deserves a better ending than this.
2. that a child needs a better father than this and therefore I need to act as if my H and I are already divorced because I don't want his values to rule my life and decisions
3. I can provide the right kind of setting, but I can change him and turn him into the person I would like him to be. as painful, painful as it is.
4. DO all the above, don't SAY it to H again. Already said it 1000 times.


p.s. OW is part of our extended family. He's known her all her life (she's 10 years younger than him and the sister of his oldest friend - whose family sort of 'apoted' my H). I've known her for 14 years. She's fragile, beautiful, soft, hopeless at chosing the right guys.