Hello All, Here is my Sitch: I am 29 (almost 30), she is 26. T=4yrs, M=almost 2yrs (6/7/08) I have a S13 from a previous relationship and have full custody. We had a rocky marriage, plenty of outside issues (debt, my son becoming a teen, issues with parents). Her main concern has been my honesty (lack thereof). I have been smoking behind her back and lied about it for about 1yr, she caught me once, threatened divorce and I kept doing it in secret. By the time she first caught me things were already bad. I had put on weight and was not being intimate with her as I felt gross. I was also on anti-depressants w/sexual side-effects which lowered my libido. She was hurt and rejected by this, which led to her becomming more demanding of me or critical of me in other areas. This led to more fighting. I Was the type of person who arues to win and this caused further stress on our M. I'm giving a brief version here. Around mid-April we had a HUGE fight, she was concerned with my drinking as I would black-out and say awful things to her. We were at a bar and had agreed upon the amount I could drink, I went over that amount, and we fought, and fought.
After that night, the way she looked at me changed and she no longer had a "romantic" love for me. We sought MC and had our first session 5/5 of last year. We went until 9/2009 and stopped as our work schedules no longer permitted us to go. The MC really did help, but IMO, we stopped before any permanent benefits took place. We continued to argue. She wanted to go to school abroad, I had an issue with this b/c I feared she would find someone else and I felt left behind. Basically, I didn't want her leaving with our M in such bad shape. She told me she was going, I was not included in the decision and that hurt me.
Towards the end of 2009 we set a D-date which was to be 1/31/2010. Well I was trying to improve our M, but I had a lot of old issues from parents and previous R's, and IMO, didn't really have the tools to make the needed changes. She had told me several times what changes she wanted to see: less swearing, going to church more, less or no drinking, spend more time with my son, hear what she had to say, BE HONEST, no more clubs. I always told her I would make these changes but my results were always less than impressive. I did want to change for her and for our family, but I had a really hard time letting go of old things. The week before D-day, she found cigarettes in my car, didn't tell me, and counted them daily. This confirmed I was smoking. She asked me several times that week if I was, I lied, and lied, and lied. I was so afraid to tell her, it would have been just one more failure for me. I did want to quit, but I was afraid to tell her I was still smoking.
So, we sat down to have "the talk" and she pulls out the cigarettes. And that was it, she wanted a D as she could no longer trust me. I didn't blame her, I had lied for so long. She eventually decided that this is a big decision and that we would separate for 3 months while she decided. But, we were not going to work on anything, she was just waiting to see if there was hope. I asked about MC, she sd only to agree on separation terms (not legal S). And we haven't been. I tried everything before moving, I did the Love Dare, every change I made, she said was too late, and "why weren't you this guy 1yr ago?". She had her heart set on this 3 months to really decide.
I moved out 4/17/2010, last Sunday I saw her to get some of my things and she said she had already decided, but I could have these 3 months if I still had hope, but her mind would not change. She said that as she has had time to process everything, she just gets more and more upset with my deceptions (makes sense). She doesn't think she will ever be able trust me again, and would be a fool to try. I told her I still had hope, and I wanted to wait. She said she will begin getting the papers together in the meantime. NOW... here is some important info: she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, she still has her mind set on studying abroad, she works 2 jobs almost every day and goes to school. She has very little time to herself. One of her biggest fears is becoming like her mother and "letting life pass her by". She has A LOT of debt, and will be struggling to get by without me due to her bills. One reason for D: she is sick of being in limbo. IMO, her mind is a mess, she doesn't know which way is up, doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. She has insomnia, no time to keep house (it's pretty nasty there), has gained a lot of weight, is stressed, depressed, has anxiety, and is just downright confused. I think she wants the D just to take that off the table so she can more "easily" figure out the rest.
Wow, this is not brief, going to wrap it up. I had until recently been persuing her, talking about R, and making just about every mistake you can think of! Thoughts? Questions? HELP?! If nothing else, thanks for your time.
Hey there DLS, that means mediation right? Currently we are on limited contact. Email for important information only. I have not read DB yet but my book should be here tomorrow, I have read the boards all day at work today (I still got my job done though . Do you think I should ask for that now? I'm seeing her Sunday again to get more stuff, my intention was to not discuss R at all for now(easier sd than done). And I agree, it's impossible to tell where her head is at, I had to stop trying because I became borderline suicidal after she told me she wanted D and didn't need anymore time (but not in fron of her). I am seeking IC as is she, and I'm seeking it for my son as well. Trying to figure her out right now, just isn't working. My current approach... figure myself out! Sorry, as my first post was so long, I will be sharing more info, but those are the highlights. So do you think MD? Or give her more time to sort out where her heads at? IMO, when you have no idea what you want to do with your life, perhaps D shouldn't exactly be on the table! I appreciate your insight DLS! Open to all suggestions as of now!
I would love that! But my main concern is that she will only want to work towards finalizing her decision to D. I'm just not sure, the new decision date is 6/18/10. I would like to eventually seek MC with her, but I'm not sure I should yet. Would it hurt to ask on Sunday? Or could that be considered persuing? She has just given me so much mixed information, sometimes it "If you would have made these changes 1yr ago", then it's 6 months ago, then it's 3 months ago. From what I have seen from her, she is trying to talk herself into this. I have snooped before, and I have seen her telling friends only bad things about me, even making things up (saying I'm not a believer when I absolutely AM), it seems that she is just seeking a negative response to reinforce what she thinks she should do. And when I bring up the R, she just gets pushed further away.
joshguy, if your communication is not good MC is a good way to open it up. She may also question herself, when a rational third party is in the room. Its a great last ditch approach.
Ok, I'll ask her about it on Sunday. That or I will email her. My concern is that if I bring it up in person Sunday, it will lead to other less desirable topics of R. Thanks DLS!
Don't bring up R. Just accept the D for now. How is her relationship with your son? Do they have a bond? Because if not MC to get along is not going to appeal to her either.
When she says that you are not a "believer" I am assuming that you are speaking religious terms....if so...have you ever heard of retrouvaille? Because if she is a "believer" then she would not want to rush into a divorce. It might worth it for you to look up retrouvaille and maybe approach her with that as opposed to MC. Just a thought...
You have some very SPECIFIC things you can do. Your W has told you exactly what those are. If you are interested in keeping your M, you know what you need to do.
You can start this in a real simple way. Honesty. If you had a cig or a couple of beers, or whatever, be honest about it with your W. Dishonesty doubles the problem. You've got the problem itself to deal with PLUS the dishonesty. Your M can work out, but EVERYONE wants honesty in their M. I assume you expect it from your W?
Then you can start working on the other stuff...quit smoking, quit drinking, attend church...if that's all stuff you've agreed to do, then start doing it.
You say in your opinion her mind is a mess....well, yes it probably is. According to you, she has a husband who is dishonest to his W, has debt issues, and a teenager in the house. IMO, you should start with your honesty issues. Trust in a M is vital.
Hello I_miss_him! Yes actually! I was looking at their site last weekend, how funny you would mention that! And yes on religious terms. Her relationship with my son has been rocky, they do tend to butt heads. To be fair, she came into his life when he was getting the teen attitude, she wasn't around for the cute years. They have a bond of sorts, he does like her, but she was around him more than me mainly because she works at a school that he attended for a few years, and she was always home before me. I backed her up but a lot of the time she had the unfortunate priviledge of enforcing discipline first, then I would show up and support her. And she didn't always feel that I disciplined him well.
She is a believer as well, very involved in the church. Here is what happened: while our M was getting tough, she sought the council of our pastor, the one who married us. He is also a close personal friend of hers, she babysat his kids when they were very young. While she was going to see him, she recommended that I go as well... I never did. After she found the cigarettes she went to him and told him she was done. Of course I wasn't there for the discussion but (per the W) he told her she had 3 options. 1. Clean break AKA divorce 2. 3 month S while she decides 3. Stay and work it out
Now my thought was this (and I told her), why is the pastor that married us including divorce as an option?! It's a Baptist church. She contested that it wasn't until now that he mentioned it. And while I never approached him, he never approached me either. I'm not really sure what to think of all that but I have considered discussing retrouvaille with her. My main reason for not doing so, is because she refuses to work on anything with me. She says that I have run out of chances, I'm lucky to have gotten as many as I did, and this is simply a last ditch effort to see if there is any hope. Which as of last Sunday, she just wants to divorce. But then says, you can have the 3 months if you still think there is hope. ALSO: I was supposed to move out approx 3/22/10 but didn't, due to lack of money, and I kept telling her "I will need $$ to move out we have to cut our spending". AND my son was going through tough times (smoked weed, stole from us, was cutting himself). My impression was that it would be 3 months from when I moved (4/17) but now she's saying the separation should have started 3/22 so it's 3 months from there. Which.... can I call that unfair?
Her bottom line was this (quote from email): I will go over how I feel again, just to make sure that you have a clear understanding. I am done. I don't think that I can ever trust you again after you betrayed me in so many ways. I will reevaluate the situation after 3ish months and see if my feelings have changed at all before I file papers.
That was on Tuesday, then Sunday she moves the date and said she just wants the D. Sorry, brevity isn't my thing
. Do you think I should ask for that now? I'm seeing her Sunday again to get more stuff, my intention was to not discuss R at all for now(easier sd than done). And I agree, it's impossible to tell where her head is at, I had to stop trying because I became borderline suicidal after she told me she wanted D and didn't need anymore time (but not in fron of her). I am seeking IC as is she, and I'm seeking it for my son as well. Trying to figure her out right now, just isn't working. My current approach... figure myself out! Sorry, as my first post was so long, I will be sharing more info, but those are the highlights. So do you think MD? Or give her more time to sort out where her heads at? IMO, when you have no idea what you want to do with your life, perhaps D shouldn't exactly be on the table! I appreciate your insight DLS! Open to all suggestions as of now!