Hello All, Here is my Sitch: I am 29 (almost 30), she is 26. T=4yrs, M=almost 2yrs (6/7/08) I have a S13 from a previous relationship and have full custody. We had a rocky marriage, plenty of outside issues (debt, my son becoming a teen, issues with parents). Her main concern has been my honesty (lack thereof). I have been smoking behind her back and lied about it for about 1yr, she caught me once, threatened divorce and I kept doing it in secret. By the time she first caught me things were already bad. I had put on weight and was not being intimate with her as I felt gross. I was also on anti-depressants w/sexual side-effects which lowered my libido. She was hurt and rejected by this, which led to her becomming more demanding of me or critical of me in other areas. This led to more fighting. I Was the type of person who arues to win and this caused further stress on our M. I'm giving a brief version here. Around mid-April we had a HUGE fight, she was concerned with my drinking as I would black-out and say awful things to her. We were at a bar and had agreed upon the amount I could drink, I went over that amount, and we fought, and fought.
After that night, the way she looked at me changed and she no longer had a "romantic" love for me. We sought MC and had our first session 5/5 of last year. We went until 9/2009 and stopped as our work schedules no longer permitted us to go. The MC really did help, but IMO, we stopped before any permanent benefits took place. We continued to argue. She wanted to go to school abroad, I had an issue with this b/c I feared she would find someone else and I felt left behind. Basically, I didn't want her leaving with our M in such bad shape. She told me she was going, I was not included in the decision and that hurt me.
Towards the end of 2009 we set a D-date which was to be 1/31/2010. Well I was trying to improve our M, but I had a lot of old issues from parents and previous R's, and IMO, didn't really have the tools to make the needed changes. She had told me several times what changes she wanted to see: less swearing, going to church more, less or no drinking, spend more time with my son, hear what she had to say, BE HONEST, no more clubs. I always told her I would make these changes but my results were always less than impressive. I did want to change for her and for our family, but I had a really hard time letting go of old things. The week before D-day, she found cigarettes in my car, didn't tell me, and counted them daily. This confirmed I was smoking. She asked me several times that week if I was, I lied, and lied, and lied. I was so afraid to tell her, it would have been just one more failure for me. I did want to quit, but I was afraid to tell her I was still smoking.
So, we sat down to have "the talk" and she pulls out the cigarettes. And that was it, she wanted a D as she could no longer trust me. I didn't blame her, I had lied for so long. She eventually decided that this is a big decision and that we would separate for 3 months while she decided. But, we were not going to work on anything, she was just waiting to see if there was hope. I asked about MC, she sd only to agree on separation terms (not legal S). And we haven't been. I tried everything before moving, I did the Love Dare, every change I made, she said was too late, and "why weren't you this guy 1yr ago?". She had her heart set on this 3 months to really decide.
I moved out 4/17/2010, last Sunday I saw her to get some of my things and she said she had already decided, but I could have these 3 months if I still had hope, but her mind would not change. She said that as she has had time to process everything, she just gets more and more upset with my deceptions (makes sense). She doesn't think she will ever be able trust me again, and would be a fool to try. I told her I still had hope, and I wanted to wait. She said she will begin getting the papers together in the meantime. NOW... here is some important info: she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, she still has her mind set on studying abroad, she works 2 jobs almost every day and goes to school. She has very little time to herself. One of her biggest fears is becoming like her mother and "letting life pass her by". She has A LOT of debt, and will be struggling to get by without me due to her bills. One reason for D: she is sick of being in limbo. IMO, her mind is a mess, she doesn't know which way is up, doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. She has insomnia, no time to keep house (it's pretty nasty there), has gained a lot of weight, is stressed, depressed, has anxiety, and is just downright confused. I think she wants the D just to take that off the table so she can more "easily" figure out the rest.
Wow, this is not brief, going to wrap it up. I had until recently been persuing her, talking about R, and making just about every mistake you can think of! Thoughts? Questions? HELP?! If nothing else, thanks for your time.
