Is this piecing?

[Kalni]

So he texts me this morning "Hey, I'm in the city this morning and can pick up S at your rehearsal. I don't know where your rehearsal is, let me know." Um, yeah, I already told him where rehearsal was. I couldn't help but feel this was BAIT.

This means one or both of two things -he's at OW's, -he's been partying and stayed over somewhere. None of this is the man I married. Either way my adrenaline shot through the roof. I have consistently asked for the respect that he tell me [b]none of his "personal life" especially around OW and also around partying. The fact that he disrespected this leads me to believe he was trying to upset me. He likes to do that.[/b]

I did not text him right away. I had to calm down or I was going to blast him for being so disrespectful and just make things worse. I also figured if he is going to disrespect my requests, I don't have to do anything. So I took S with me to rehearsal for a couple hours while H continued to call/hang up.

When I was ready, I txted H and laid this boundary: "I guess you weren't listening when I said I do not want to hear about your private life, or when I told you exactly where and what time I would be at rehearsal. I also want firm plans in advance from now on, a request you have continually ignored. You can come pick up S at _______"

Why should I bend over backwards to be "flexible" with the schedule (I am normally a flexible person) when H uses this to hurt me and rub OW in my face? And, when he flips a raging lid if I'm ever late. AND how about the times he has stormed off or threatened to storm off when it was his day with S? NO, he has too much power here. H needs to stick to a schedule and show me he can follow through. So I didn't fight, I didn't even talk to him. I didn't explain, defend, or try to make him listen. I simply wrote what I expect from now on.

I am proud of myself that I calmed myself down after the minibomb this morning. I felt like flipping out and going home to cry myself to sleep, but instead, I calmed myself down, took some space, and got on with my day.

Hope,
you are moving forward and I a glad about that. Anger and pride are signs your self esteem kicks back in. Please make sure you recognise what you are going through and dont focus on the wrong things. I dint get how he shared anything with you about his private life or OW or partying. He said he was in the city. After that you went off, ASSUMING what he had been doing.

Then you contact him and tell him you dont want to hear anything about his private life. Well, HE DIDNT tell you anything and at least during the interaction you described he didnt rub OW in your face!!! That's how YOU felt and if his goal was to upset you, he managed to do that...

The last part about your S and schedule is something you do need to handle firmly so that he understands he cant be playing with you. But that is all.
Hope, I can understand how you feel. I do.
Hugs
K

And that was not a minibomb.You better be prepared for real minibombs.

[Butterfly1]

I'm trying to understand what you are saying Kalni and as always I respect your advise~ so if you have time to clarify, I"ll appreciate it~

I do agree that I assumed. In defense of myself, my H does not go into the city early on SUnday mornings, at least in all the time I knew him. Being in the city on a Sunday morning -= well my guesses were quite good ones.

But yes, they were just guesses. I owned up to this in MC today, as well as the fact that I should have just plainly texted H:
My mind is going in different directions, May I have an hour to calm myself down and I'll get back to you then.

And you are right, I don't know how I'll handle real minibombs. From the way I collapsed into instant panic yesterday on even a hint of it, I am very worried how I will handle this.

So it's back to self soothing, isnt' it Kalni?

And I'm trying to regroup and figure out how to be the better option - look at what makes him feel "more of the same" is happening with me and reverse it. I tried last year and I was on the wrong track. I'll write out more later but he has voiced it feels to him "nothing has changed and he doesn't think it will" and I know I have a lot of work to do to try to change me =

Also he voiced he feels we fundamentally "dont understand each other" so I think I need to do way less talking and way more listening and understanding.

so it's my new focus. MOre later, I'm exhausted. Haven't eaten in days.

BTW people, I'm letting S go to H's this thursday. Yes, FM, I'm finally doing it~! Thank you for kicking my butt on this one I have had a hard time letting go control - working on it.

[Kalni]

Hope,
we are in this together. Ok? I am worried you will feel like I am attacking or something. I am only trying to help any way I can.

Clarify? I will try, first the easy one. You have every right and should IMO try to enforce boundaries, schedules etc regarding your S. You were right to react to that and I am glad you can see how he takes things for granted (that you will be accommodating, you will agree, he has options depending on HIS schedule etc etc).

Then regarding the minibomb and rubbing OW in your face. If you go back and read what you posted, because that is all I have- you will see you felt hurt, disappointed and disrespected by ...what exactly? By his words he was in the city. That was all he said. And yes you may know that's not like him, but it's not the him you knew anyway. And I dont doubt you are right with your assumptions but what about the other days he is probably with her, the days he has no reason to contact you because of your S. You cant let the hurt go but dont let it affect your interactions with him. You have made it clear you dont want him sharing details, if he does, then respond.

I wouldnt even reply with what you quoted. Just plain "you are interupting my schedule, got to think of a solution" or "this is not what we agreed but let me see what we can do" and when he meets you to pick up your son, you make it clear that you will not accept change of plans without prior agreement.
WHY would you tell your H your "mind is running to different directions"? Why?

Hope, this is essential and VERY important. DO NOT have any expectations from your H to understand, validate, help out at this phase. If he does, fine. If he fails to, fine. Try to keep your moods balanced, and yes, self soothing. You are in charge of taking care of you, no one else. Not eating sounds bad. How can you think straight when your body is starving? Please, you are a mom, you are responsible towards your S as well. That is much bigger than your H.
Go eat a pizza!!!
Hugs
K


You should feel good about letting S go to his dad. It's wise and right. Do it with a smile (until the door closes)

[Butterfly1]

I hear you Kalni.I know you are right. I know I can't let it affect my interactions with him. What do I do when I get flooded with pain> that is what is hard.

Now I"m journalling my feelings here, obviously I need to keep this all from H...

I don't know if I can do this! I'm having such a hard time letting go, I don't know how. I don't know how to stop hurting.

I'm resentful that he's given up on our marriage. I am so mad at myself for screwing it all up. I"m honestly no good at any of the DB stuff. In my heart I just desperately cling.

How do I not want anything from him? I may be able to stop acting on it, but how do I stop feeling like I want him back? HOw do I stop all my regrets about the things I did to lose him?

He knows he has this power over me! And I don't know how to stop it! And I hate myself even more for letting him have all the power to know I'm sitting here with all the desire for our M and him none. I know that pushes them away and yet I can't help but feel that. I have enough hard time not acting on it - but even if I feel it he senses it. So it seems impossible.

Sorry for the vent.

[flowmom]

(((H4L)))

JMHO, but I didn't see his text as disrespectful, but I know that context is everything.

Regardless, it sounds like you're feeling sick of all this, and I hope that that feeling is part of boosting you to making it all about Hope and S

[flowmom]

I totally agree with what Kalni's written.

About about H taking your S -- I know it will be hard. The first time was very painful for me. But I hope that once it becomes a routine it will be genuinely positive for all of you. It was good for my children to be able to spend time with H when he wasn't all stressed out by being around me and in our home.

[Butterfly1]

Yes, I owned that was my overreaction, and I also said why I felt slipping in that he was in the city early in the morning on a Sunday morning may have been bait. Maybe not. either way, I"m having a really hard time and I acknowledge it's my issue.

Can I just admit again I'm horrible at all this. I miss him so terribly and not handling the rejection at all. Can I also just admit I did what I'm not supposed to do and got into trying to convince him last night to save our marriage again. Of course it didn't work and I feel worse. I am sorry I've let you all down.

I tried for so many months to be cool and detached, with some success and it hasn't worked. So I guess I felt desperate and like I can't go on pretending that I"m upbeat .... I know I should detach and I know I"m doing terrible.

[flowmom]

H4L, you're not letting us down. We just are seeing you suffering and wishing for something better for you.

Honestly, I have to give partial credit to the ADs for whatever detachment I've achieved. I went from feeling like the sitch was constantly churning within me and feeling helpless to thought-stop, to being able to thought-stop and talk back to the painful thoughts about the future. I take credit for taking action, but I think the ADs helped the actions to sink in and stick.

If you can, talk to your doctor about what's going on. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling/thinking a certain way if you just can't.

Any update on IC? You were going to get a new one right? How is that going? You need that kind of support...much more important than MC right now IMO.

[Butterfly1]

Yes, FM I'm on anti anxiety pills now. IT helps me enormously to function - get out of bed and keep up activities. I've seen a doctor and that's what he recommended.

New IC tomorrow.

[flowmom]

I hope things go well with the new IC Hope! Have compassion for yourself when you don't stick to your plan. You don't need to 2x4 yourself, and you're not going to get that from me either.