WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[gutwrenching]

FULL UPDATE:
We headed into house hunting trip for move this summer with pullback going on and uncertainty on how much we want to spend (in other words, use one or two incomes). Her words were move together for the kids, get settled, but if things don’t change, then S/D. She told me that the kids and the security I provide and the lifestyle we have attained are what are holding her for now…but those were too superficial to keep her forever.

House hunting trip turned into disaster. As W desire was one income place for easy escape route in future and tastes were for two-income houses and I was maintaining my uncertainty on the matter as to not seem too pursuing and let her know I was not just there to make things easy for her.

We found a 2-income place we loved, and shared a nice embrace/hug at the thought of our future residence, but that faded by the next day as she told me it was just too easy to slip back into old patterns but that she wasn’t going to just slip back.

We did not find a place and remain in limbo land. W remains in a fantasy land. Reality would hit her during the trip but not last long and she would retreat in fantasy land again...that was obvious. On the last night there, I finally told her enough is enough. This limbo isn’t going to work. She needed to decide if she was going to work on the M or work on going separate ways, I was ready to let her go.

During this conversation, it came out that on her last trip alone, she had decided to work on M and try. As I told her, that lasted a whole week…you can’t fix a M in a week. Rest of the conversations were typical WAW responses that I have heard over and over…they don’t even faze me any longer: no feelings, I don’t know how to get it back, I don’t think you can even love me the way I need to be loved, empty for too long, I tried for so many years, etc. The only new things that cropped up were her telling me that I shouldn’t forgive her for what she did with EA…that was probably the first time I’ve heard her admit she did anything wrong (the next day she was back to “it was only 2.5 weeks” it wasn’t a big deal). The last few nights of the trip, she even slept in the other bed in the hotel. When we returned home, she slept in the guest bedroom the first night, but never again since (she said it was too cold in the basement).

Back home now, we’ve taken steps backwards. Prior to this trip, we had really progressed firmly into strong friendship stage and maybe a little further. Not so much now. I am trying hard now to be distant, detach and make her pursue again. I’m not sure what else to do at this point. That certainly isn’t easy and isn’t my strong suit, but I am working on it. She has also become more distant.

Other things of interest. I learn that she has told three friends about our “issues” and all three have told her to fight for the M not to walk away, but she doesn’t seem to be listening. She told me about two other times between 1996 and 1999 when she got too close to OMs and they might have even been EAs…those were really rocky times in our M. She agreed with me that our M isn’t all bad – we have a great friendship (what we both said we would miss the most if D), shared family values, great kids, strong companionship…but then I get the “no spark/no feelings” lines. She is reading 5LL book because one of her friends she confided in told her two months ago and she refused. I told her it was a great book and she should read it for herself if nothing else.

The roller coaster continues. Last night she showed me pics of a place to buy that would certainly take 2 incomes…her mind is all over the map on where to live…but when push comes to shove, I suspect she is afraid of being trapped into a place that she could not afford on her own. She does know I will fight for custody of kids if it comes too it…but she also knows this is the US and she is the mother, odds are in her favor.

Open to ideas/advice. Initially my goal has been to move together so that I can continue to DB. It has only been 4.5 months since I exposed the EA and 6 months since the bomb was dropped…not long compared to many other people’s sitch’s.