Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

I am just a wreck about this damn baby. I hope that by the time the thing is born I'm in a better state but right now I don't want to know the gender, the name, the birthday. I would like to go on as if that child did not even exist. But I know that DS will be wanting to talk about being a big brother and I can't deny him that right, much as I want to. So how am I supposed to handle this without being completely broken?

[Mystik]

Ugh. Tonight's exchange was a rough one. H was asking questions about the infant car seat we used for DS, such as where we got it, what happened to it, how long we used it. My stomach was a burning, churning mess, I answered in curt one-word responses. He finally picked up on it and asked if I was ok. I told him "No... But I will be." He said sorry, then said good-bye to DS and shut the car door, I left right away.

Seriously? Was he trying to twist that knife tighter and deeper into my heart? How f*ing insensitive can he be?

[newmama]

WOW, Mystik- your H is totally being insensitive! He is clueless!
I need to be honest here- I think it is totally appropriate for you to set a boundary and tell him that you don't want to discuss the OC in any form. That you want nothing to do with the baby.

As for your son bringing up being a big brother, is there a way you could divert him to your H? Saying something like...I am sure you are excited, S! Why don't you talk to daddy about it next time you see him!

I don't know if that is too cold...but you are validating your S' need to talk yet training him that he can talk about it with the father of the baby, not you. Yikes--hope this isn't too harsh sounding!

What does your IC tell you to do in order to deal with this OC???
(other child)

And good job ignoring the texts from your H...technically you aren't breaking NC when you talk about things related to your S schedule. That personal stuff about his clothes, etc., was not business! So it was perfect for you to ignore.

[Abbey]

He had plans to move back with you than pulls a complete turn around. I still smell guilt on his part. Work with that.

YOU have the control here. You don't have to file anything... you can be far less lenient about H seeing your son and keep him to a tighter schedule. I would suggest NO contact between you and H.

He has to have time to miss you. Don't fight with him or anything. If he questions your change of heart about seeing DS and how loose you've been about it... Say... he's going to have ENOUGH changes going on in his life... the child needs stability now. That's it. End of story.

BTW, you reminded me of something my H did during the first 4 months of the tramps pregnancy. He asked me if I had any clothes that might fit her. (I had lost quite a bit of weight and he thought some of my bigger sweaters etc would fit her.) AS IFFFFF! LOL Baby seat... similar kind of thing.

Mystik... remember this... and keep saying it... He's screwed up in the head, right now. Most if not all of what he'll do is not going to make much sense... if it's any consolation, it doesn't make much sense to him either.

For him to ask you for "stuff" is trying to keep you close keep you engaged, and in some twisted way... an alliance.

I can't stress this enough... I know what you're feeling. I really do. *hugs* There was and is no self help manual for this. You're flying by the seat of your pants.

BTW, This OW isn't going to think about her deception,... at the moment the B is probably pretty proud of her little self. Don't worry darlin'... it won't last. You WILL see her on the receiving end of being dumped by your H. It will happen.

Don't know what else to say at this point... cept... try try try to change your focus away from H and towards yourself. Give yourself permission to hope she gets hit by a bus,... and concern yourself with making you the BEST person you can be. As daunting as it sounds... this is the ideal time to work on you. I know that sounds like an impossible mountain to climb at present... but one minute at a time... one step forward at a time. You WILL be very proud of yourself in years from now looking back on this. It seems like an eternity away but you will survive this.

As for the "what if" thing... you have to decide how you want to play your cards from this point on. If he does "x" you'll do "y" etc. Decide how and what cards you have and want to play. Do you want to wait til that relationship blows up and then try to reconcile?... then make a game plan. You're here at DB aren't you? Incidentally, I have a personal friend who married, divorced and remarried their same spouse. Strange things DO happen. (it was one of the things that always stayed in my mind... they DID get back together against all odds.)

I'm praying for you.
Hugs
Abbey

[Mystik]

Quick post to say that H texted me at 7 this morning, apparently he bought tickets to the circus for Sunday not realizing it was Mother's Day. I didn't answer, but this is another blow to the heart. Him doing family events with DS and the tramp without me. He did it last year, too, took her and DS to the circus. And it hurt last year, too.

Will be back later to re-read and comment on Newmama and Abbey.

[newmama]

It's Mother's Day. You could tell him that and ask if he could give you the tickets instead so you can take the kids- I bet he already told them. I am being serious!

[Abbey]

I like Mama's idea.

[june72]

I agree, be bold. Stand up for yourself!

But seriously, asking about car seats? Man is he that clueless? What he hinting that he wanted your old one? Sheeesh. I mean isn't this gal in her first trimester? A little early, IMO, to think about things like that. And to talk to you about it?????

If this woman has the baby are you done with him forever? I mean if she has a baby and he comes back to you. There for the rest of your life this woman and her child will be in YOUR life. Can you handle that? That drama? Knowing that she will try to get him back and that he might slip up and succumb?

[Abbey]

"succumb"...
That's where setting your boundaries right from the start. Third party intermediary to hand the child off for visits etc.

That strength is what one must try to gather now, while you've got the time to "work out the bugs" of being assertive for one's self.

Abbey

[Mystik]

Feeling very detached, like I'm in a bubble that is separating me from the rest of the world. According to the book Flowmom recommended, this is a normal feeling when you're in the shock part of shattering.

As for the circus, DS doesn't even want to go, he hasn't said a word to me about it so I doubt H told him. When I first heard the circus was coming I asked DS if he wanted to go and he told me no, that there wasn't enough action there. I wish H would have had the same courtesy to ask DS. The kid is 6 and quite capable of expressing a very real opinion on what he wants to do.

No contact with H other than the text this morning. Sticking with NC as much as possible. But it's so darn hard. I still feel like the words I need to say to H to bring him back are right in front of me, I just can't grasp them.

Remembered something today about filing for separation or divorce. Because H's name is on the account at We the People, I can't go in and file papers unless I want to pay out that $400 again. So I guess while I do hold the power of filing, H holds just as much, if not more than I. So I guess if the time comes to file, it will have to be mutual unless he goes the separation first route.