Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Wishing for luck, wishing for love.... wishing I could just relax.

Wishing that something would change.

Knowing that deep down it won't.

Hargh.

[fullmoon]

Hi blind,

I'm new here myself and cannot give any advise but just wanted to send you some hugs.
Our stitches are very different but my H is from where you are, we have previously lived there and moved to UK for a few years (I'm from another country), we are now separated in different countries.

I know you are supposed to GAL and not be drained with 'what's she thinking?'....
but for me the thought of the distance and 'how much more do I get to see my family in my entire life?' was extremely stressful. It was different for my H as we have always said that we'll settle back to his country.
I realised this after we shipped boxes away... can now only remember negative stuff about him and all I want is to stay close to my family.

(((((( )))))

[blind]

Hey, thanks for the support Full Moon.

I get the feeling that this is kinda similar. I get the feeling that she is worried about leaving behind family and friends and is focusing on the negative stuff that didn't really bother her at the time.

She says that she's worried about being miserable for the rest of her life... but also that she was 80% happy.

It sucks being on the opposite side of the earth. If she wanted to move back there, I'd be there in a heartbeat.... but she doesn't. She sees me as the problem, and wants the problem gone.

She calls in 20min and I'm shaking. This is ridiculous. I know I'm not supposed to focus on this call, but it's all I've been able to think about with any kind of clarity for an entire week.

Again I say, HARGH.

[fullmoon]

I know... it's really hard when you are far. Hang in there B.

For the first month or so I was really emotional, we exchanged some blame emails and over the phone we continued arguing. Then he stopped taking my calls.
We don't have any kids or own any assets together, so really we had nothing to contact each other about. All there is are those boxes with our stuff now reaching the shore of his country.

After reading the DR book I realised I have to first detach myself from all these... GAL as the vets say.
Detach so that I can see it all from another perspective w/o being too emotional, as if I'm reading someone else's stitch.
Otherwise I'd be too biased to see what role I played in our M not working. I have to do this for myself and not solely for our M, to have a better R with anyone.

It's really difficult detaching though... it feels as if our R is slipping away and will be gone forever if I don't hang on to it.
It got a lot easier when I realised some things just need time, and like all things in life some things are not in my control no matter what I do.
I also thought that we are only at the 'entry level' of our M... if we can't communicate properly, how can we tackle bigger things in life that are yet to come, isn't it better it's come out now and not later?
And to properly communicate, I first needed to be 'me' and not be drowned in 'us' if you know what I mean (detach)... making a list of things I want to do in near future and actually starting a few etc, keep reminding myself that it's not the end of the world.
I cut all contact from him for over a month. The first week or two was really difficult but now I'm a lot calmer. soon I will be ready to communicate in the positive manner if the opportunity arises.


Have you read the DR book?

[blind]

Well, she called.

She's told our friends. She's told her parents. Most people know now.

I'm now getting emails and messages from all corners of the globe asking/demanding an explanation.

... but how can I explain what *I* don't understand?

She hasn't changed her mind, not 1 iota... but she does hope that I can "find a way to be OK with this".

I've told her some of the things I've been up to... it's a hard line to walk, doing a 180 and not point out the differences, but still finding a way for her to notice (not that I'm doing it for her to notice... but do you know what I mean??).

She's been doing nothing... at least she tells me she's been doing nothing. I don't know what to believe anymore.

She tells me that Weds she is "going out" with a male friend of hers... which made me question internally what she meant... but I held my tongue.

She's also going out Thurs drinking with a girl friend. It feels like she's got back this life that she's been desperately after.

I've been going out loads, mainly just to try and keep busy... but I'm feeling very lost.

She's gone quiet now for another week. I feel like emailing her and just talking - we ran out of time yesterday - but i know that's not conducive to her missing me. I just miss her so badly. I've lost my best friend along with my lover and my wife.

She said her dad was getting really worried about me snapping at her and turning in how I deal with this situation - So I have sent him an email, explaining how sorry I am that things have taken this turn.

[fullmoon]

In earlier post you said that she's confused and needs time to clear her mind... she probably does. It's her journey and no one can make her do anything, she has to come out of it herself.
Asking 'why' now when she is so confused won't give you answers, if anything it might drive her away I guess.

Is it a bad thing to tell those who ask you that honestly you don't know what's going on?


Come to think of it, for me being far from family was more or less an excuse with how I felt about my H. If we were getting along really well, I wouldn't have made the distance the biggest issue. So I suspect she hasn't been happy for a while and she may have been trying to let you know.

But for now try not to dig into it too much, you won't find the answer so soon especially while you are still very emotional. It will take lots of time for her to come through and she may never do so, we don't know.
I know you love her very much but like someone said, if you keep letting her know that you will do anything/ be waiting forever, you might lose her.


I don't know why she calls you every week while she says she's gone forever, it seems like she's checking in on you that you are still hanging around for her?

((()))

[fullmoon]

Hey B,

I was just reading other threads and there was a good advise there

Reply posted by SDFoundGirl in "The story of us" thread (in Page 5)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=6&page=5

The stitch might be different but what needs to be done is pretty much the same I think.

[blind]

Hey moon,

Thanks for taking the time to give me some thoughts, I really appreciate it.

I know she's confused right now.... it just kills me that she's on the OTHER side of confused, and has made this bold decision, and is sticking to it come hell or high water. I'm not asking her about the relationship at the moment, I'm not getting her to try and validate it or anything.

Partially because I don't think she knows herself.

I have been telling those who ask that I'm completely blindsided by this, and that I had no idea that anything was wrong. I just hate having the conversation. I hate the people who knew us coming to me as shocked as I was expecting me to be able to give them some kind of insight that doesn't exist.

I think most of all, I just hate the situation.

But you're right, I tell her I love her and I've lost her. I think I've already lost her. I think she's already gone.

It's odd when you really think about DB... because it's basically the method of "Get over it". These 180s and GAL are just was of insuring yourself that if your partner doesn't come back, you're in a strong enough position to keep on living....no matter what.

I've read the advice in the link you sent, and it all makes sense. I'm doing what I can to stick to them.

I've had a bad day today.... spent all of my time setting up my week that I've come to the weekend and found myself completely at a loss. I didn't plan for a break in the working week... it's thrown me. Plus it's mother's day over here tomorrow, so most people are booked up - my parents are off to a quiet lunch with my surviving grandmother so that I won't have to deal with her.... very sweet... but means that I'm in the house by myself as well.

I need to find something to do to keep my mind active... to keep it off overthinking.

If that's possible.

I've made a few new friends since coming back to Aus, even went out to dinner with one of them last night, and had a lovely conversation... I just need to get myself to a stage where socialising isn't difficult.

I've got an old boss who has heard that I'm back in town and he has tried contacting people who know me, so I may be having a sit down chat with him on Wednesday night, which should keep me fairly busy.

I need to motivate myself a bit to get off my butt tonight... maybe find something to do tomorrow that isn't a solo activity.

The exercise is coming on well still... I've nearly cracked the 200 push ups a day, so that's something. The results are coming through in leaps and bounds.

Sorry, tis is a ranting rambling post.

Feeling at a loose end... like I can feel everything that was coming to an end, and wondering what that leaves me for the now... where the hell do I go from here?

[Lost Rabbit]

Hiya Blind

just caught your thread and hope you don't mind me chipping in!

My situation was similar as it was suddenly out of the blue after nearly thirty years, and my H moved out after giving me hell for three months! Ok not two countries but two counties hard enough when I'd seen him every day for so long. I originally agreed not to talk to him for the first two weeks, he popped back and forth a couple of times but due to circumstances I actually managed to go nc for a month! It nearly killed me but if he phoned he got precious little but basic facts! It's very hard but you need to stop pursuing her, leave her to realise what this choice means, as you said the original dates set up to keep her busy will frizzle out then she will have to make her own!

Ok you have a lot of space between you already, but ironically you have to put more. Yes I know it feels like you are giving them what they want but it has to be done!

Next time she is due to call chat quickly and briefly as if you need to be some where else, then say you gotta go as off out! That will have a hndered times more impact than I miss you, she doesn't want to hear that!

Will try and pop back later (())

[blind]

Hey Rabbit,

You know what they say about misery and company and all that. Please, join in.

Your sitch sounds painful - lots of coming and going. At least this has been fairly consistent for me - she said it's over and she's stuck to that... I've not seen her, and only had the once a week scheduled phone call.

I see what you mean about having space, but it being more an illusion of space. It's true.

And yeah, my instincts are telling me the usual "Pushing her away will just give her what she wants", but I take your point. She is still feeling pursued.

Pushing the conversation short is going to be very difficult, when all I want right now is to hear her voice (or hold her in my arms.... but still)... but I'll give it a try.

Thanks for the advice.