Is it stupid to give up cell phone viewing rights?

[amg2]

My original thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1945341&page=21

My husband and I have been separated 3 months. I "asked him not to come home" after discovering his third/fourth texting EA.

I'm really driving myself nuts looking at the cell records. Would I be dumb to try and get his phone moved onto his own account that I have nothing to do with?

1)What would this say to him that I want to do this (bad or good)?

2)Would I be dumb to give up my source of intelligence?

He hasn't mentioned this. I could also just have a friend change the password so I can't look at it anymore.

THANKS

[robx]

have you exposed the affair?
does he know that you know?

If so, kick his skinny little a$$ to the curb, stop monitoring his calls and msg's and move on with your life, this would show that he's not worth your time and attention anymore and let him know that this is his loss and you start dating other men and when he finds out about it, he will come back begging for a 2nd chance. If he wants to fart around with other women, let him, in fact, endorse his actions, "you should be with her! at least you'll have someone now that I'm gone!"

- then do that zig zag snapping thing with your hand and turn your head and walk away, YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!

I'm being a smart a$$ obviously but I meant every word.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

You have at least two choices on looking at the phone records. You can continue to look, or choose not to look. As long as he is not working on the relationship, I would strongly suggest that you do not need to look. When the time comes, you can look again, or have a trusted friend examine the records and let you know if things look suspicious.

If it is not costing you much, I would think the source of intelligence would be worth keeping around. If he lies in the future, you can call him on his BS.....

[Ready2Change]

have you exposed the affair?
does he know that you know?

If so, kick his skinny little a$$ to the curb, stop monitoring his calls and msg's and move on with your life, this would show that he's not worth your time and attention anymore and let him know that this is his loss and you start dating other men and when he finds out about it, he will come back begging for a 2nd chance. If he wants to fart around with other women, let him, in fact, endorse his actions, "you should be with her! at least you'll have someone now that I'm gone!"

- then do that zig zag snapping thing with your hand and turn your head and walk away, YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!

I'm being a smart a$$ obviously but I meant every word.

Stellar advise!

[amg2]

Thanks for the input. Please keep 'em coming! It's a hard decision because while I want to have the source of intelligence, I'm killing myself with it and can't say anything w/o causing harm anyway. He had a lot of instant messaging over the weekend and when I asked about it he was compliant at first but then said he "wasn't in a position to prove himself to me". Im pretty sure he's having (at least in part) an MLC.

Thanks again all comment appreciated for this tough decision. Maybe it would be a good move for me to SHOW him I'm not going to monitor it by getting it turned over to him?

[beingreal]

...or you could keep it, and just not look at it. I like the idea of having a friend change the password. Going out of your way to do something has the opposite effect of saying "Look how much I don't care". If you really didn't care, you'd be doing nothing.

Leave it & don't look. And follow Robx's advice.

Good luck, I know how much this sucks.

[Kimmie Lee]

Never EVER give up a source of Intel.

[wontquit]

Never give up your source of intel but also...don't drive yourself nuts evaluating the intel every day. I'm speaking from personal experience...

I found out my wife was having an EA with a guy. In all honesty I had NEVER checked her phone records until she lied to be about where she had been one afternoon. That prompted a perusal of her phone records and that's where I found multiple texts to this guy on a daily basis. I drove myself crazy checking and re-checking her phone logs.

My final conclusion: I know. She knows I know. Why torture myself? I can still pull up records any time I want (or need) to but why drive myself crazy?

Move on...get a life. Protect your source of intel should you need to go "ugly" at some point in time.

[Geomom]

wontquit, I understand the compulsion ... it's so hard not to keep looking at/for evidence of an EA/PA. I'm still working on finding hard proof but have plenty of circumstantial evidence, including a damning Facebook photo obviously taken by the OW (and I can see her reflection in H's mirrored sunglasses -- duh, mirrored sunglasses when you're with an OW!) as well as the address of her workplace on the front of the office building outside the car where they're sitting. I tell you, I look at that photo at least several times a day, zooming in 200-400 percent to see if I can glean any more details from it.

I know it's part torture, but it's also part validation. I can SEE something is not right in this photo, and what I'm seeing is not what H has been telling me are his so-called real problems with me. Somehow, it makes me feel a little better about myself, knowing that.

[amg2]

I think for me part of the compuslion too is that maybe I'll see "one more thing" I didn't notice the last time. In my case, we've been separated 3 months, and supposedly the two EAs had stopped (one before dday, one on Dday) but he has a ton of "data" traffic on his phone which basically just internet. So I can't see what he's doing to cause that. But last weekend he suddenly has a lot of instant message traffic. I watched it one day and didn't say anything. The next day it was from late at night until early in the morning on a work night. I confronted him about it and at first his was compliant and the suddenly changed and said "I'm not in a position to prove myself to you." He's said this before about some things.

This IM thing is a VERY hot button issue if you read online. It SEEMS there is the possiblity that it was valid. But his reaction makes him look as if he was lying. And more importantly, I don't think I can any longer work on a separated M where I can't even ask this type of question and get a real answer. I think I need to go dark/walk away.