tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Okay, I lied...no list. Not yet.

I dropped the kids off at the halfway point so H could have them for an overnight. MIL was with him, which was good, I needed a smiling face. I got out of the car and looked up to see H glaring at me. His tone wasn't nasty, but if looks could kill...

I did what you said, gr8. Hair done, makeup on, new top that accentuated some newly uncovered curves--too bad I was only going to get my hair cut. My plans fell through for tonight, so here I sit, all dressed up with no place to go, having a few drinks and doing my best not to post anything on facebook that would alert anyone that I'm not out having a good time. Leave everyone (H) wondering what I'm up to instead of telling the whole world that I'm sitting at home trying not to cry because my babies are at their first overnight with their father who just happens to hate me.

Good times.

A bright spot in my day--I stopped a the state store that happens to be right beside the salon & discovered that they carry my absolute favorite wine. Moscato D'Asti. Most places carry just a Moscato, if they carry it at all. So I was excited to see that. I bought a bottle to put in the fridge to enjoy when I'm in a better mood. And I think I got hit on while I was there--maybe not since it's been so long since a man (who wasn't a patient or a patient's family member) has spoken to me in a kindly fashion.

Too bad the only man I want to be nice to me looked at me as though I had horns growing out of my head.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Shelbel,

You will get use to not having your kids in time.

It took me awhile to get where I'm at, in fact I don't even shed a tear for my W any more. You will get here too.

Hang in there don't argue with H about him thinking you kicked him out, it not worth it.

I found out that while my W was away on her trip she "hooked Up" with someone.

And get this.......I don't even care anymore. I have no hope for my M anymore. Time to post on my sitch.

[beingreal]

(((gr8))) I'm so sorry for this most recent revelation. This can't be easy at all. How did you find out? Did she tell you? I've just started really getting into your old threads (you've just changed your name), I'll have to hurry to catch up.

I did okay Saturday--had a couple too many margaritas & watched chick flicks. Sunday I kept busy with steam cleaning carpets. not fun--but it desperately needed done & is hard to do with three kids underfoot. I was literally thrilled when I saw S8s name pop up on my cell phone. I can't believe how excited I was just to have him call me.

The pickup went okay--it was raining so there wasn't a lot of interaction in between getting everyone buckled in. I had to call him later to set up arrangements for this weekend and he was not terribly gracious. I know, what was I expecting, right? S6 has Tball practice this Saturday & H wants my parents to take him & then meet him at the halfway point to drop the kids off. he says he doesn't have money for gas to run up here two days in a row. I will agree with that part--the van is a gas guzzler & it's 40 minutes each way. We finally agreed that he will pick S6 up at my mom's house & take him to practice on Saturday & take the boys Saturday night. I'll just *owe* him a half trip (my words, not his). I'd give anything to be a fly on the dugout wall at practice. The other parents were not happy that they suddenly had no coach a few days before the first practice. I'll bet most of them don't really know why--and I didn't make a big deal out of it the first practice, so maybe they won't either.

It took everything I had to keep from offering him money until he finds a job. I want him to be okay--but he needs to stand on his own two feet, even as he's staying at his mom's house. I married a man who worked 60 hours a week. He's already been emasculated enough without having the woman who "threw him out" giving him spending money too. He's going to have to nut up, get a job somewhere & start taking care of himself. I only meant to financially take care of the family while he was in school. I didn't mean to take away his manhood & his self esteem, so if that is part of the problem here, then my offering him gas money isn't going to help. Right?

At one point he started getting nasty about what was happening with us & putting the blame on me. Fine. I accept that I was difficult to deal with and *helpful* to the point of smothering. I admit that I can be cruel and razor tongued when we argue and I didn't hold back often with him--especially towards the end. I will say with no hesitation that I started avoiding everything in our home life because I was trying to withdraw from him so deeply. But guy--quit acting like a victim!!! I finally said, "You have the power to change everything about this situation and you don't want to. I'm doing what I need to do." That was met with a "what the hell does THAT mean??", so I dialed it down & ended the convo. I know I shouldn't have...I think I just needed to smack him upside the head with one of Puppy's 2x4s.

I talked to my MIL last night--the kids called to talk to H but he wasn't there, so she asked to talk to me. It was nice. I thanked her for the very sweet Mother's Day gift & card she "helped" the kids get me. It was very thoughtful & she made me cry. I asked her how H was doing since he won't talk to me. She said he is grumpy. He was always grumpy here--that is not new. She said his mood is really bad & he's not doing well. Again, same thing while he was here. She said he can't figure out what he did wrong, he was always home, didn't run around, didn't go to bars--I just got tired of him. He's right in that respect. But there's a difference between always being in the house & being in the M. MIL said that he's trying to figure out how to make some cash and maybe get a smaller car to drive when he doesn't have the boys. He needs a job, even a min wage job just to get something going. I'm not even worried about child support just yet--just do *something*.

I don't know what is going to happen. I'm praying that someone in his family or one of his friends convinces to pull his head out of whatever orifice he's lodged it in & get his act together. He needs to get some help for this depression he's so certain he's not in. I hope that he wakes up and realizes what he's lost & why it's gone.

It's a risky move--either he figures himself out, fixes it & comes back, or he doesn't. Either way this is going to work for me. It has to.

This tough love crap is for the birds.

btw--I think we need a new addition to the abbreviation list. We need something for " I love you, but I don't like you right now."

[beingreal]

I've been rereading my thread & I think I need to realize something...

Lately I've been posting like I really think that everything is going to change and he'll be transformed into this wonderful man who appreciates all the good in his life. That's what I want to happen, but I don't think that is what is going to happen. We had problems before this all started--it's like I keep envisioning him as this man that he never really was.

I think this is just harder than I thought to admit that I failed at my M & I'm going back to rewrite history to make the beginning a fairy tale & H a Prince Charming. It wasn't. Hes not.

The reality is that we had problems like everyone else. Although it wasn't perfect, I loved him and it wasn't enough for him to want to fix it.

The reality is, it still isn't.

I tried for three years to make it better. It's not going to magically change in three weeks.

As Robx would say...I need to stop dreaming and follow reality.

I just wanted to put that out there--so when I start getting all hopeful and dreamy I can snap myself back reality. My only hope is in the future, not in sugar coating the past.

“The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
~ Albert Einstein

Never backwards, only forward. Breathe.

[beingreal]

Called for the boys tonight--H wasn't there...again. I talked to his 96 year old grandmother who told me she loved me & that she had given him a good chewing out for leaving.

I told her there was more to it than just him leaving & it was probably for the best. He'd been downright cruel for so long & we just couldn't do it anymore. She said she knew--he'd been a "jerk" since he moved back in with them.

Not that it changes anything--just nice to know he isn't going to get any sympathy from them.

The wind slammed a door shut today & I jumped about two feet. I realized that it's been two weeks since a door has slammed in this house. It's been busy, but almost peaceful. As peaceful as a house with three little boys can be anyway.

Just babbling here. If anyone has any thoughts, please feel free to share. I feel like I'm bouncing in between two brick walls.

edited to add--H did call the kids when he got back home. He wasn't even rude to me when i answered the phone. That's a step in the right direction.

[luvless]

I've been rereading my thread & I think I need to realize something...

Lately I've been posting like I really think that everything is going to change and he'll be transformed into this wonderful man who appreciates all the good in his life. That's what I want to happen, but I don't think that is what is going to happen. We had problems before this all started--it's like I keep envisioning him as this man that he never really was.

I think this is just harder than I thought to admit that I failed at my M & I'm going back to rewrite history to make the beginning a fairy tale & H a Prince Charming. It wasn't. Hes not.

The reality is that we had problems like everyone else. Although it wasn't perfect, I loved him and it wasn't enough for him to want to fix it.

The reality is, it still isn't.

I tried for three years to make it better. It's not going to magically change in three weeks.

As Robx would say...I need to stop dreaming and follow reality.

I just wanted to put that out there--so when I start getting all hopeful and dreamy I can snap myself back reality.

GREAT POST and so true!

[beingreal]

Thanks, luv. Back to reread it. lol

Reading a few other threads, too. Looking for the time I am 100% okay with this. It's not easy.

I'm logging off for a bit to clean the house. And drink some coffee. And spend my first full day tear free.

My first mini goal...a day without tears.

[Geomom]

Hey shelbel, just read some of your earliest posts here and something you said really resonated with me: "He is becoming increasingly selfish & cruel. When one of the kids (or I) become sick, his first response is usually “Great…now *I'M* going to get sick."

Boy, did that ring a bell. Looking back, I've been hearing stuff like that for longer than I care to remember ... always tried to brush it off with the logic that H was overworked and stressed about money (which he was).

Up until now, I would have never described that response as "cruel," as you did, but you're right: it is cruel, as well as selfish and immature. That victim mentality is also very unattractive. But the only one who can change that is H, and you're right again: he's the one who has to want to fix it.

I'm not sure if my H is involved in an EA or a PA, but I know sooner or later, this initial thrill of a new and exciting relationship is going to quiet down and the "real" personas will once again emerge. I doubt very much that this OW (whom I believe is much younger than him) will be able to, or want to, put up with it. That might be his wakeup call, but what he chooses to do then is up to him. Meanwhile, I'm working on GAL and keeping things normal for my 7-yo son.

[beingreal]

Thanks Geo. Reading your response to that made me remember what it felt like to hear. I don't want to go back to that.

Today is the first time I've been really pissed at H for leaving.

Today is the first time I've called him an effing ahole. Granted, it was under my breath, in an empty room and to myself. But, by golly, I meant it.

S6 is having some issues coping. S2 has been exceedingly whiny for the past week. I know they are just little boys, but they are quickly getting on my nerves. S6 decided to do his own version of a 180 & was helping fold laundry. He got all the dish cloths and washcloths folded, but the big towels were too much for him. So instead of just leaving them for me, he took them out of the basket and flung them in the air, declaring that they were now, "giant pieces of confetti!!". *sigh*

A few weeks from now it might have been funny--but I'm not very amused right now. They have got me hopping and I'm just worn out.

At least when h was here he'd manage to do the fun stuff with them while I was busy working. Now he's not even here to do that. They want me to play & I still have a ton of work to do. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me.

I know he would tell me I should have thought of that before I "kicked him out". But I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for someone who is just sitting at his mama's house, having a pity party and cheering himself up by taking motorcycle rides.

Poor baby. I wish I could just sit around and pout. But I have to clean up the blackberry yogurt that S2 just finger painted the counter with.

Is this normal? This just being mad part? To the point that I don't care if I ever have a real conversation with him ever again?

[beingreal]

Annnnddddd...I just got my new checks in the mail. My checks. With my name. And only my name. I haven't had a separate anything in almost ten years. Why does it bug me to see only my name them?

So much for being strong & sure minded. New checks have me teary eyed.

Seriously...someone tell me this is just normal.