Believe me I feel this is right on the spot! When i think about this i feel that this has been happening all of my married life. I give in to most everything and he goes on his merry way.
This is called "giving away the farm". To continually give in to another is to invite disrespect..as in, "Ok, I always get my way, no matter what I do, so I will do as I want." Even to the point it hurts another person. That is also called "taking advantage". Another term is "weak boundaries".
You're an adult, and no one can take away from you, or take advantage of you without your consent.
You may not want to control what he does, but when it comes to being married, certain rules DO apply, and there are BOUNDARIES that must be set in order to regain respect within the balance.
You are lacking proper boundaries in this instance. I used to be like you, but I haven't been that way for many years. I will NOT allow my husband to just do whatever he wants and disprespect me, just as I KNOW I cannot do whatever I want, ESPECIALLY if it will hurt him or our marriage.
You are not comfortable with OW being there, therefore your husband should have enough respect to get rid of her, especially if he wants to continue to be married to YOU.
I will not do anything that will make my husband uncomfortable, and I will not put up with him doing anything that would make ME uncomfortable. I draw that kind of a line, and will enforce it, as I found out a long time ago I don't need someone who will try and walk all over me. Love is not enabling, neither is love a doormat...sometimes love must be tough when it comes to defending your boundaries, even if it comes down to watching them walk away because of their selfishness.
It is true we cannot control what another does, but we CAN make it clear what we will and will not tolerate within our marriages, preparing to take the steps necessary to change things when an uncomfortable situation comes up.
They can either conform to what we want or walk away...right or wrong, we each have a right to how we feel.
From a moral standpoint, a marriage contains TWO people, not three. And when someone violates that covenant, a confrontation is generally in order.
OW is NOT your problem, she IS HIS..therefore his responsibility. BUT, you CAN make it perfectly clear you will NOT tolerate the presence of OW...he will either pull it together or walk, his choice.
Like I said this could go either way..but when you put the solution you come up with into action, you let go of the consequences of those actions, letting the chips fall where they may.
Jo Jo, when I posted to you the first time, I covered ALL bases, so I did not mean for you to think that I thought you were thinking of seeing someone else...I'm not familiar with your situation, other than what you'd posted...I have a habit of covering all that I think is necessary to answer as many questions as I can that may come up.
I hope it all works out for you.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
