I'll again preface this as it's my point of view, and it probably differs from yours, which is fine and leads to healthy discussions.
I understand the casual dating/just socializing point of view. I'm good with that if it's someone's cup o'tea. The potential issue is that it puts both "datees" in a vulnerable situation. Rarely does anything serious happen on a first date, I'm with you on that. But, a first date can give EITHER party those warm fuzzies.
Another concern I would have is this. Let's say "Mr Separated" does go on a date. Do you let "Ms Dating Mr Separated" know that you are separated from your spouse? Are women comfortable going on a date (even casual) with a guy she knows is separated from his spouse (or vice versa)? I don't know?
Again, I agree that you don't fall in love with someone on a first date. However, to use a term I've seen on this board, what if you happen to date "Mr or Ms Batchitt Crazy" on a first date and he/she enters your life even on a casual basis.
I respect everyone's opinion and think these discussions are awesome. I happen to like them. But I'll stick with the question that I keep around from my buddy. "Does dating while separated make a possible reconciliation more complicated, or less complicated?"
Some may not be interested in reconciliation. To that I would say you may be more interested in divorce recovery than divorce busting.
I'll again preface this as it's my point of view, and it probably differs from yours, which is fine and leads to healthy discussions.
I understand the casual dating/just socializing point of view. I'm good with that if it's someone's cup o'tea. The potential issue is that it puts both "datees" in a vulnerable situation. Rarely does anything serious happen on a first date, I'm with you on that. But, a first date can give EITHER party those warm fuzzies.
Another concern I would have is this. Let's say "Mr Separated" does go on a date. Do you let "Ms Dating Mr Separated" know that you are separated from your spouse? Are women comfortable going on a date (even casual) with a guy she knows is separated from his spouse (or vice versa)? I don't know?
Again, I agree that you don't fall in love with someone on a first date. However, to use a term I've seen on this board, what if you happen to date "Mr or Ms Batchitt Crazy" on a first date and he/she enters your life even on a casual basis.
I respect everyone's opinion and think these discussions are awesome. I happen to like them. But I'll stick with the question that I keep around from my buddy. "Does dating while separated make a possible reconciliation more complicated, or less complicated?"
Some may not be interested in reconciliation. To that I would say you may be more interested in divorce recovery than divorce busting.
set up a profile on any online dating site and you can list your marital status as single, divorced, separated, etc so there is no need to lie about anything, does that settle your worries on hiding information? You control who enters your life and who doesn't, it is YOUR life. Again these are all opinions, my opinion is for the LBS dealing with a WAS who is having an affair, do it, it helps change your mindset, it helps you stop pursuing, it makes you more confident, it helps with a ton of stuff and I think it makes you more attractive to your WAS, you're no longer waiting for them, you no longer become a backup option to them, you remove options from them and add options to you - it's counter-intuitive and it works.
"Does dating while separated make a possible reconciliation more complicated, or less complicated?"
Does being separated make a possible reconciliation more complicated or less complicated?
How does one get reconciliation?
I think reconciliation is complicated.
There seem to be many paths but the one we have seen repeatedly that doesn't work is pursuing, begging, pleading...
I think dating is the opposite of those things. Also if it is set up appropriately and you don't shove it in your spouse's face, then why not do it?
Some spouses have arrangements during separation to agree to date others. So it is open.
And how about this- if the WAS really wants to reconcile then from what I have seen, they don't give up trying.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Again these are all opinions, my opinion is for the LBS dealing with a WAS who is having an affair, do it, it helps change your mindset, it helps you stop pursuing, it makes you more confident, it helps with a ton of stuff and I think it makes you more attractive to your WAS, you're no longer waiting for them, you no longer become a backup option to them, you remove options from them and add options to you - it's counter-intuitive and it works.
I agree 100%, except for the counter-intuitive part. I think it is intuitive!
If you are still attached to your spouse and have hope to save your M, you are in little danger of helplessly falling for someone else. In fact, they've got quite a high bar to jump. If you meet someone you click with so well that they reach and exceed that bar, well, there you go. That's a very useful piece of information. We're not kids any more. Trust that you're capable of knowing the right thing to do with that information.
It's really not all that different from dating when you're completely single. We all have reasons we would resist getting involved with any particular person at any particular time. Being separated from your M is one of those things. The dating I've done while separated has never made me feel I was doing anything wrong, because I knew my W had abandoned our M, she was involved with someone else, and although I had hopes of saving my M, I knew if I met someone I wanted to pursue a R with, I was free to do so.
As rob says, it totally changed my mindset, changed how my W saw me, stopped my pursuing, and made me more attractive to her.
I feel it all comes down to making positive changes in my behavior. Dating/Interacting with women gives me the SKILLS, CONFIDENCE and OPTIONS to interact with MsR2C in a HEALTHIER way. I am a better person based on all the woman I have dated/interacted with since the bomb.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Again these are all opinions, my opinion is for the LBS dealing with a WAS who is having an affair, do it, it helps change your mindset, it helps you stop pursuing, it makes you more confident, it helps with a ton of stuff and I think it makes you more attractive to your WAS, you're no longer waiting for them, you no longer become a backup option to them, you remove options from them and add options to you - it's counter-intuitive and it works.
I agree 100%, except for the counter-intuitive part. I think it is intuitive!
If you are still attached to your spouse and have hope to save your M, you are in little danger of helplessly falling for someone else. In fact, they've got quite a high bar to jump. If you meet someone you click with so well that they reach and exceed that bar, well, there you go. That's a very useful piece of information. We're not kids any more. Trust that you're capable of knowing the right thing to do with that information.
It's really not all that different from dating when you're completely single. We all have reasons we would resist getting involved with any particular person at any particular time. Being separated from your M is one of those things. The dating I've done while separated has never made me feel I was doing anything wrong, because I knew my W had abandoned our M, she was involved with someone else, and although I had hopes of saving my M, I knew if I met someone I wanted to pursue a R with, I was free to do so.
As rob says, it totally changed my mindset, changed how my W saw me, stopped my pursuing, and made me more attractive to her.
Again, why sit home moping & pining for a cheating S? Makes no sense to me. If your S has abandoned you/M/R, then you ARE single. You ARE free to date.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
good point Robx- I think we don't give up on our Ms when there is an A because the WS doesn't fully leave us or walk away in many cases!
but you are right. I am ready to do it I think. The people who read my thread and comment on it probably think I am a hippocrate with all the recent talk of dating then no, then yes, then maybe. Arghh! But you make it sound so easy and worthwhile that I think I will nibble and see what is out there! lol! Hey- it's one of 3 things I haven't done yet!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You have good advice, and I'm liking the "dating" concept if you are a LBS. I had this same concept in that I noticed some trends.
If I got outside attention from the opposite sex, even if my now WAS spouse did not know of it, she would usually draw closer to me or have a need to "mark" me. Usually if a female was coming onto me hard or they where having strong attraction, my wife would instinctually know it and respond positive.
If I was not getting outside attention, she usually did not want to be bothered with me.
All spouses are not like this, many spouses will have a high interest level for you no matter how "the world" is percieving you at the recent moment.
Others of ours, have gotten "out there" themself, so they are seeing it as "the world" or a single person would.
I guess in short it makes sense to retain attractive qualities and to get social life blood from being out and about.
