feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

IDU - understanding is enough...thank you for catching up and for your supportive post. I do love those kids more than anything. Thank you for thinking of me. I hope you have a better week/end. I'll go over to your thread soon.

hugs

[alice444]

Alice - so true..I am "surviving" every hour through this..sometimes I becomes overwhelming and so sad then I feel ok (well never truly ok) but better so I am working so hard trust me...thank you for being here.

Yes, I think you'll be overwhelmed and sad for awhile, Luv. Each week will get a little easier, though, trust me. I can see how hard you're working, and it will pay off- keeping busy, relying on friends here, etc. will help you through.

Good morning everyone...I had a rough afternoon yesterday. I felt like bursting into tears at several different moments but I composed myself. I guess after talking to my atty and hearing of Mr. Luv's atty it hit me. What do I expect huh?

Today is a very busy day for me. I am getting ready to go for a morning swim and then I have lots of work to do. I have been avoiding like the plague packing up Mr. Luv's things

I will try and get some shopping in for me and I've got some girlfriends coming over for a couple beers tonight. I'm looking forward to that.

I have a sinking feeling inside that I'm battling but I'm really appreciating everyone's support here. I know it gets hard after a while..being on the boards...like...does anyone have anything good to say? I want to get there soon.

Good for you for making plans w/your friends! I hope you can do more of that each week so you stay busy and have support around you. Packing the stuff sucks- is there anyone who can help you or would you rather do it alone? Do your crying when you need to- I think I did most of mine weeks ago even before the bomb and feel cried out now. But you have to do it at some point - get all that hysterical sobbing, completely out of control sadness out--- and then eventually you will be past that phase but still sad. Obviously, there are better or worse times to break down (I'm thinking not in front of H certainly), but if you have time to yourself or with people you trust, it's ok to let the floodgates go. You might even feel a tiny bit of relief afterwards.

I know money is tight but do you have an IC or anyone you can talk to now? Also, you sound depressed (not surprising- what's amazing is that you are still up and kicking despite everything going on)- ever looked into that to check out options? I don't mean to diagnose or sound like a pharmacy pusher, but ADs have greatly helped me- esp through this time- and others- and it might be worth looking into, even just short term.

((((Luv))))

take care of you--

Alice

[Onthemountaintop]

Just thinking - if you are picking up his things, then is he losing the opportunity to have reality hit him? He is losing the chance to feel remorse and choose to change.

IF he wants to, him getting his stuff may be the turning point if there is one.

Plus, the kids might associate you getting his things as the reason they lose a parent - in other words, they may blame you because you are collecting. Let him.

[Bridgestone]

grief can be overwhelming... take care of yourself and your kids.

Stages of Grief

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind.

2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.

3. Bargaining – "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay the inevitable. Usually, the negotiation for an extension is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand this will happen to me but if I could just have more time..."

4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to D... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of the situation. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the approaching event. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the struggle.

[CityGirl]

Just thinking - if you are picking up his things, then is he losing the opportunity to have reality hit him? He is losing the chance to feel remorse and choose to change.

IF he wants to, him getting his stuff may be the turning point if there is one.

Plus, the kids might associate you getting his things as the reason they lose a parent - in other words, they may blame you because you are collecting. Let him.

Speculating what Luv's children may or may not think is not helpful. Luv has sat down with her children and talked with them at length about what is going on and the children were more than aware of how many nights Luv's H chose not to come home.

The legalities of divorce (temporary orders) often require us to change how we DB or if we choose to continue to DB. Unless you have began the process of a LEGAL divorce (not just talking about it) then sometimes we have to do certain things a certain way when one party has been granted certain things via the legal system.

Isn't part of healthy communication NOT speculating? We all have the right to post our opinions but speculating that Luv's children may blame her when Luv has taken great care to communicate to her children seems hurtful IMO.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Bridgestone (as in tires?) thanks for the recap of the 5 stages. I think I went straight to stage 5

Luv, just checking on you. Look at all this support you have here, so many people love you. You can do this!

[luvless]

aw....right SR? I do feel the support...and it makes me feel like I'm not going through this awful thing all alone. I know you guys come from the same place and really do understand.

Thanks for the stages Bridge - I'm at #5 but it doesn't feel like acceptance lol

CG - I'm sure OT was thinking more along the lines that Mr. Luv would have to unload his closet and it would just feel worse for him rather than picking up some boxes in the hallway. He'd actually have to go into my room and it would be more uncomfortable. He won't care anyway so whatever.

I Luv you guys.....

[luvless]

I'm so freaking pissed. I think this is the most angry I've felt in a very long time.

I just got off the phone with my atty and my alimony/support numbers went down some. I guess this was before he talked to the enemy's atty. They are shooting for the low number (which XH does Not make!) he makes much much more...ugh he's such a sleezeball. I cannot possibly sustain 3 teenagers and a mortgage.

I fail to understand why I am the one being f*cked here. I gave up my life for my X husband and my 3 kids and this is my payback? I feel like just telling XH to come get the kids and take care of them. He'll throw me scraps while he sits on thousands a month - ONE person he has to feed and I have to feed and clothe 4! Somewhere the law forgets REALITY.

Can you tell I'm mad?...fuming.

[CityGirl]

Don't panic. Remember, tomorrow is just a temporary hearing for temporary support (right?). Did you ask your attny if the support number he gave you includes the mortgage, utilities and transportation on top of monthly expenses? Does the figure include child support?

[luvless]

Hey CG

It got pushed ahead to Thursday. I think Mr. Luv's atty is stalling...he buggs.

The number my atty gave me is from a schedule that California uses. The numbers are pretty tight. It does include child support. He wants me to pay half of my youngest tuition which is 1100/mo...that just really pisses me off.

Our expenses are high..Mr Luv knows what it takes to run this household. I cannot believe anyone expects that my S19 and D (soon to be 18) don't exist on paper. Who is supporting them? they are living here!

Ok I'm done venting. I had a hard afternoon swallowing this stuff. UGH!!