Need a Plan for My Marriage

[Onthemountaintop]

We both love to talk, but at the moment not to each other. That is so sad. We use to talk all the time.

Ah ha! A 180 waiting for you~

[LSG]

onthemountaintop,

Thanks for the idea. I have done 180 from talking to her. Maybe I could try another 180 back to before. I will have to consider that. I am not sure if it is good to backslide, but it might not hurt too.

Thanks.

[Onthemountaintop]

Not talking is more like hiding - a sort of mental separation. 180s are about being the spouse you want to be and doing the things you have resisted but should have done.

It might be healthy to not talk if talking now is always a fight. Good luck deciding what is most important to making a happier R.

[idontunderstand]

LSG,

Haven't had time to catch up on your sitch. I will try to today.
Thanks for the kind words on my thread. I thought I was doing okay. The bad feelings are sneaking back in. I know they won't last.

Continued best wishes and thoughts.

[DaddyLongShanks]

We still have not heard if OMW has confronted OM yet and if there was impact on OM/W relationship. I'm sure that can be too much further up the pike.

[LSG]

DaddyLongShanks,

I have no information on whether the OMW confronted the OM yet or not. I do not see much impact of that on the outcome of my marriage. I will just have to wait and see.

I hope that it will do more good than bad.

[DaddyLongShanks]

How have you been doing otherwise?

[DaddyLongShanks]

[DUPLICATE]

[Onthemountaintop]

LSG - did you ever sit down and calmly tell your W what you expect about the OM. She told you it was over, but you understandably don't believe her. For example, I have read from others ideas on expectations like:

- no contact (expect the odd screw up for a couple weeks)
- if she's out late, she needs to let you know

As long as the items are fair, reasonable, and compassionate (she hurt you, but leaving OM must be hard too even though it is 'evil').

I'm wondering this because each time you feel suspicious, you end off reacting. The money is a good example. What she did was weird, but it isn't protecting your family to take the money that is there out. It is controlling. Why? Because you have no reason to believe she would actually leave you pennyless and your kids starving.

What she did was STUPID, and mean. I totally get why you wanted to control the sitch. Control doesn't make trust. You want to trust her, but why would she want to earn your trust if she can't trust you either? Two wrongs don't make a right.

I think having these clear expectations would let her know that when she chooses to try hard to meet them, you will begin to forgive her and try to rebuild her love for you.

[LSG]

She is still having the A with the OM. She is telling me that it is over with us. I am not suspicious because I know that the A is still very active. I reacted to the money because she took money that is our families. It is not just hers even though she earns. It is community property. If I was a woman, there would be a lot more outrage at her than at me. I did what needed to be done. It is not control to me. It is what is right, and she did the wrong thing. I am doing the best to make sure she does not do something else to me she has promised she would never do.

She cheats
Has a new account
Comes home late
Tries to get daughter to go to her parents in Japan
Wants to take kids to Vegas without me. Family tickets.
Will not do anything with family together
Does not let the kids be responsible for poor decisions
Tries to put car in her name
Tries to cancel cable
Tries to cancel cell phones.

She believes that she should be able to do whatever she wants to do anytime she wants. There have to be some boundaries in our R.

What she is doing is exactly what the OMW told me the OM did to her. He has done much worse, but comparing the two and their behavior is about the same in both relationships. He has been doing this to his W for a long time, and now my W is trying to do it to me.

I don't have any reason to trust her because of what she is doing and has done to me and the kids. She is doing this to the whole family because it affects all of us.

I will not trust her until the A is over, and she has shown an ounce of remorse! She will have to earn my trust if she ever wants to.

I appreciate the comments.