help with a plan

[pigskin]

It feels scary, I know. A complete leap of faith as you have no idea what is going to happen next. But you did the right thing. Your wife was prepared to continue behaving the way she has indefinitely. It would have just torn you up.

My guess is your wife will avoid talking about what you told her and will stall to see if you actually follow up on your words. If you do follow up and get a lawyer it will hit home not only with her, but also the OM. Your W will probably start putting demands on him that he might not be ready for, or even want. The sneaky fantasy will be over.

Prayers for you, IDU. Remember no matter what happens, God will lead you to a better tomorrow.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, Pigskin.

It is scary.

In one way, I am completely lost. At the same time, I have remained suprisingly calm. I guess I still have some hope that this will wake her up. I know better. No expectations. Can't help it though.

I want a new, better M with my W.

I can't live with how things have been. I deserve better.

I have read where the WAS doesn't come to their senses until the LBS files or something drastic like that. Grows a set. I'm done with her B.S. DONE!

I still have the faint hope my old W is in there trying to wake up and see what she is losing and what this will do to the kids. D is NEVER the best unless abuse is involved, and that was never the case. This is her choice not mine. I have to remember that.

Still hoping...
Becoming okay with either outcome...

God, I hate this.

[flowmom]

Good for you IDU. At the end of the day, your dignity is worth something. I'm glad you're taking a stand and IMO women respect a man who can take forceful action. I can imagine how hard it must be for you though. (((IDU)))

[idontunderstand]

Thanks for the hugs, FM. I'll take all I can get!

I know you can imagine how hard it is, you have been through it yourself. It's funny, each time I take a step away from "not doing what FEELS right", and do something that should move my sitch along, hopefully toward R, but away from limbo, I say it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't know there were so many hardest things I've ever done!

Thanks for following along. I hope I can stay strong and not fall into the despair that has been a constant companion for too long. I can invision tough times ahead. It's time to meet them head on.

[idontunderstand]

I guess I need to take a break from here for a while. I feel like I am becoming too dependant on others instead of just doing what I need to do. I have been given the knowledge and guidance that I need. I am the one who needs to put it into action. I wait around for people to post and hold my hand. I don't need that anymore. Well, maybe I do but I have to do the hard work on my own.

Pigskin-thanks for all of the insights. Thanks for following along. I hope the best for you and your family. I continue to remember you in my prayers.

Flowmom-you have followed closely, also. Thanks! You have a way with words and your strength radiates off of the screen. Continued blessings to you, too.

Puppy, Sandi2 and the other vets who were here for me when I first signed on several months ago; thanks for the advice that I wasn't ready for at the time. Of course, I wish I would have listened to you all at the time, I just wasn't ready. I didn't understand! I do now.

I have taken steps recently that I know I needed too. It is scary as hell. I have to get my self respect back before I can ever expect my W to work on the R. I WANT to be one of the success stories. We all do, I know. As we are always reminded, we can't control anything but ourselves.

Thanks again to everyone. I hope to be back to pay it forward. This place has been a God send.

It's time to take my destiny in my own hands.

All prayers are welcome, though!

[LSG]

Hi idontunderstand,

You have helped me too in responding to my thread, and I appreciate that.

I think you have become more independent and able to think for yourself more than ever listening to everyone here. I don't think continuing to come here will make you more dependent if you know that you are able to make the correct choices for yourself from the discussions you have here.

If you believe that you need to take time away, then do it.

We will all be here to read your sitch and provide you support when possible when you post here.

This site is just a place to release your feelings and help you to focus on yourself. We all have to make our own choices with knowledge we have gained from other.

I know you can do that. I really relate to what you have said.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, LSG.
I hope things are well with you.

I know I said I had to take a break, and I am. I need to journal here for a minute as I find it is easy to come back here and find dates and times so I don't have to keep a record of anything at home where W might find it.

I went out Thurs, and Fri. nite and was home before 10:00 each night. W had a memorial service to go to for a friend's husband. She works with this lady and her H died in a car wreck. He was 83. W had to work from 4 to 12 Sat and left from work to pick friend up and go to the bar where memorial was. I called W at work to tell her that her brother had called to say he and his W had their baby. (A healthy little girl!) I then told her I was going out tonite with my sister and some friends to listen to another friend's band. She said she wouldn't be late, she had been up since 3:00am and had to work at the same time again in the morning. She was planning on being home by 7 or 8, 9 at the latest. I said no problem, the kids would be at my mom's, just pick them up whenever you get there.

My mom called me at @ 8:30 to ask me to tell my W that one of the kids was getting worried that she wasn't there yet and ask her to call him to calm him down. I tried talking to him but he wanted to talk to mom. I texted W: u need to call my mom's-S9 is getting worried and almost crying.
W texted back: did u tell him a time.
I said-no.

She then called about 15 min later, all pissed off. It was after 9 at this time. Asked me what I had told my mom. Nothing, I said, why, what's going on? She said nothing and sounded like she was crying. I said if it's that bad, I would leave and go get the kids. Nothing. Hello, did you hear me?

She had hung up.

I tried calling her back four times and she ignored each call. I went back to listening to the band and had a great time. Didn't have a single beer, drank coke all night. It would have been too easy to start drinking and not know when to say when.

Got home @ 2:00am. S3 was in bed with W so I slept on couch. She came in and woke me up at 3:30 so I would sleep with him. Said he was scared. I didn't say anything, got up and got in bed with my son.

The kids and I had our normal Sun. Went to the park and played and tried to fly kites. Not windy enough. Had a picnic lunch then went home around 1:00. W got home soon after and I was folding laundry. Said hi to the kids and stomped around the kitchen for a while. Didn't speak to me for 45 minutes. I finally went into the bedroom and said to her: "W, you have no excuse to treat me the way that you are. You have no excuse to hang up on me the way you did and then ignore my return calls."

She started in about how I knew she had this memorial service and I went and made plans and had been out the last three night. Then I TOLD her she needed to go pick the kids up. I said that I NEVER told her to go pick them up. I told her she needed to call to calm S9 down. She say it was implied and from my txt, it was clear that I wanted her to go get them right now. I told her none of that is true, that she was making stuff up.

It devolved into "this is over, I'm done, I was this close to throwing your sh!t out in the yard and locking you out of the house." I agreed that it was over, but she needed to be the one to leave. It was her decision. She said, " Don't think I won't take these kids and leave. You have left them the last three nights, you don't care about them, blah, blah, blah." I agreed again, you're right, it is over, you should leave. BTW, have you talked to a L yet? Because if you do leave and take the kids, you will need a L. You won't keep our kids from me. She said why would you jump straight to something like that? WTF?!

This went on for a while, she was crying, old stuff was rehashed, I agreed and validated when necessary and didn't argue. I told her if it is over, and there is no chance of her trying counseling or anything, then let's not waste time and she needed to get the ball rolling. If she wouldn't file, I would.

Long story short, she is still here. She backed off some. This is the second time I have told her to go ahead and go, that I would fight for the kids. She asked why it had to be a fight. Gee, I don't know.

Don't know if I handled it exactly right, but now I have a record of the date for future reference.

[idontunderstand]

W asked last night after the kids were in bed if I had seen a L yet. I said no, have you? She said no, got up and went to bed.

Still pretty distant but a little friendlier.

I hope I am handling this the right way.

Not arguing with her. Validating when she says she feels something.

Calling her out on her disrespecful behavior.

Detaching. I want to save it. Okay if we don't.

Can't help worrying about the four kids.

It's feeling like it getting close to the end game.

Please help me out here, everyone.

Not feeling so strong at the moment.

[LSG]

idontunderstand,

I am glad you are back here to find support.

Maybe you could back off the R talk after the other night's argument to assess her feelings on the M. It could help you see if it had any lasting impact to build on the positives in your current sitch.

She seems friendlier and that is good. See what you could do to improve that attitude from her. Try to avoid discussing whether it is over or not. This is hard when you are so p!ssed about everything, but it could cool the waters to have a more productive conversation with her if she is open to talking calmly with you. Neither of you seem to have talked to an attorney which is also positive.

Continue to detach and back off for a while. It will take time and is hard to do, but it seems to be necessary from other success stories. Stay strong for you and the kids.

Try to see the positives in the R and build on them where possible.

It will take time to reach a decision for you, but you will not make the right one if you react to the sitch based on emotion. This is where detaching will help you.

Listen to others to find the best help you can. Read robx's thread. It is very interesting and will help maybe to keep you strong and focused on your objective.

[idontunderstand]

LSG,

That's just it, she says the marriage is over. I don't know if this is one of the instances where you believe nothing of what they say or not. My feeling is if we had enough money, she would go. Not to get into finances, we pretty much live week to week like a lot of people. We have a house and a nice size shed on 10 acres in the woods out in the country. I have a 45 mile drive to work. She drives about 12.

It wasn't really a R talk Sun. She was just po'd that I didn't stay home. I wasn't there to babysit for her. Yes, it was a memorial for a friends husband, maybe I should have stayed. She was there for nine hours! That should be long enough. Regaurdless, I never once told her she had to pick the kids up, just to call them and calm them down and tell them about what time she would be there. As usual, she twists everything around to fit her frame of mind.

I have not choice but to sit back and wait, reinforce my boundaries and be patient. Don't let her walk all over me and be direspectful.

I hope I'm not out of time, but I feel like it is time to move on. No pressure, just patience.