My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

I am surprisingly ok... I am actually glad I finally told him how I felt and I feel like he actually listened for the first time in a long time. He told me he liked my hair..... Which is weird he hasn't paid me any compliments in months.

I am just as confused if not more confused about my h. I don't think he really knows what he is doing at all. I have asked over and over will being d make you happy and each time he says he doesn't know. He is just tired.

[TrentC]

I am just as confused if not more confused about my h. I don't think he really knows what he is doing at all. I have asked over and over will being d make you happy and each time he says he doesn't know. He is just tired.

Then stop asking him!

[TimeHeals]

Then stop asking him!

When I took my oldest dog to obedience training, the trainer had this advice:

1. Issue the command to your dog, and if he obeys, reward him sometimes (all the time in the begining, and then you gradually ease off on the positive reinforcement until it is more sporadic).

2. If the dog does not obey, then pull quickly on the leash to get his attention, and then say "No" before you issue the command again.

3. Do not keep doing this over and over. After saying no and issuing the command, if the dog still doesn't obey, it's time to figure out something else because if you keep saying it over and over, you are just nagging the dog, and he will learn to tune that out very quickly.

Humans can learn a bit from trying to train dogs

[nicole8]

Good stuff timeheals....
I came home after work to discover my h mowed the lawn. I sent him a text saying thank you the yard looked great. He responded that it looked "better". He can't ever take a compliment or think something he does has been done well.

Later in the evening he sent a text again wanting to know what I was doing and how my day was. Seriously a crazy roller coaster he is on.

I still love him snd part of me just feels for the pain he is in....but the actions he has chosen are wrong and he needs to find on his own what will make him happy. He obviously was at the house and didn't touch the d papers from the other night. He hasn't said anything about them either.

To be continued again I guess...

[nicole8]

Ooooh, I am not so sure what I should or shouldn't be doing. I'm pretty sure what I want to do is wrong and shouldn't do it. I wish more than anything my h would come home and I could help him to see he is a great person worthy of me. He still the other night (when we were suppose to sign the d papers) told me he wasn't sure why I would want to be with someone like him. Well, I still think that he is a great person, who has made some bad choices, but still a good person. He of course does not think this of himself. He is just so down and depressed looking.

Our friend who's wife and he are having a baby stopped by my h's work the other night. He told my h that they were having a baby. I guess my h was really excited for them and my friend said it was like talking to the regular h we all know and love. In the past our friend has said he just wants to beat my h up and give him a hug and ask him what he is doing to his life and m.... he said that he couldn't beat him up but was just so glad to see him. He said he misses my h and hopes he gets through this difficult time in his life.... he wishes my h would talk to him.

You can't make someone talk to you is what I told our friend..and you can't make him get help. My h has to want to do this on his own. I am still conflicted on this feeling though. Because my h is so lost and confused, I'm afraid he is alone and thinks no one cares for him. But, I still think he is trying to talk with the ow. I'm just conflicted. Acting as if I am giving up on someone who is depressed can't make someone feel very good. Does that make sense?

[TimeHeals]

You can't make someone talk to you is what I told our friend..and you can't make him get help. My h has to want to do this on his own.

Yep, he's the only one that can do this.

I am still conflicted on this feeling though. Because my h is so lost and confused, I'm afraid he is alone and thinks no one cares for him. But, I still think he is trying to talk with the ow. I'm just conflicted. Acting as if I am giving up on someone who is depressed can't make someone feel very good. Does that make sense?

I means you haven't fully detached. I am in the same boat but getting closer and closer to full detachment.

Wanting to fix somebody (or help them fix themselves, etc) is just codependent behavior: you are letting them manipulate how you feel, and trying to help them see what you see is you wanting to manipulate and control them.

You have to let it go. What will be will be.

A while ago, my W (who hasn't even bothered to shower all day long) came into the living room where I was watching TV, and she logged onto her laptop and went to youtube and started playing a music video very loudly. I couldn't even hear the TV. I told her she was being very disrespectful, and I deserved respect just like every other human being, and the "rebellios teenager act" is getting old.

I stopped myself there, and I left to run to the store for a few items so I could cool down, but not before saying, "I haven't got time for this. I am moving on with or without you" (not angry, but firm). But I actually had to leave my own house because I let her push my buttons, and I needed to get away and restore perspective.

So... practicing what I preach isn't always easy. I know.

[awest1217]

I agree with Time in the fact that you can't fix him. You can't help him until he wants help. You can have an intervention and do everything you want, but he still won't get help until he is ready to get help. It is hard on him, but he is choosing to not get help.

At the beginning of my separation, some of our mutual guy friends tried to reach out to H. They e-mailed him and asked him if he wanted to talk. H always said "after this" or "after that", and he never did it. Finally, he pushed away our mutual friends as well so the only friend he has is OW. This is all him. He has chosen this life where he has no one to talk to, but OW. He has chosen to live this dual life, and now that I am saying enough is enough, he is alone. Do I feel sorry for him? Yes, but he has made his choices and can choose to fix them, but that is up to him.

You need to remember that YOU can't fix H. Your friends can try to talk to H, but he will probably not talk to them and ultimately push them away as well. He is living a dual life and as long as you let him, he is going to keep running all over you. He knows that you feel for him. He knows that you want to help him. It is now up to him to choose to seek that help. You talking to him or bugging him is not going to help anything. You need to let him be, and get help for you. YOu need to see the worth in you and if he is still talking to OW and was ready to quickly get a D to be with her then you deserve better and if you feel he is the one for you then you need to wait until he is ready to treat you properly. Demand respect by treating yourself with respect. If he talks to you in a rude way, express your hurt feelings in a nice way and then let him know that if he can't talk to you nicely then he needs to cool off before you talk again.

Have a good week.

[nicole8]

It has been a week almost since my h came over with d papers. The papers are still sitting unsigned at our house and he is at his moms still. Really? WTF?does he want a d or not. I know I shouldn't push or question..... Just really annoyed again is all.

He doesn't seem to care or try to inquire what I am doing. I still feel like he is avoiding all responsibility and I am left to deal with the house and bills. Yesterday we had a crazy windstorm and when I came home mother nature had conveniently laid a huge tree branch in my driveway. So I had to clean and move this huge tree branch snd multiple other leaves and sticks to get my car in the driveway. I am fully capable of this but it is just another example of my h doing nothing......except he is "tired" or maybe he is DEPRESSED!!!

Sorry totally venting this morning.

[nicole8]

I'm excited... I am going to take my cute dog to the beach this weekend and let him run all over the place. I think he and I will both really enjoy it. Per my db coach I will invite my h. If h says no I will tell him ok, I have another option/plans. My db coach said he would rather my h be spending time with the ow wondering what I am doing than spending time with me and not wanting to be there. I thought it made sense.....

[TrentC]

My db coach said he would rather my h be spending time with the ow wondering what I am doing than spending time with me and not wanting to be there. I thought it made sense...

It does. If he really has no feelings for you, then he wouldn't care what you are doing.

When I came home last night, I went into the other room to watch TV on my laptop. My wife eventually got up from her computer to see what I was doing. If she didn't care, why would she check?