I know how you feel. My responses to this type of anger were impulsive and destructive. I have them less and less, though!
Bite the bullet! Get the thoughts that brought on the anger out of your head. Replace them with daydreams of your wonderful future! (Or take a baseball bat to your mattress)
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Yes, I hate his mind games. He defiently acts like a teenager. It's like he is competing with me on who is handling this better and having more fun. I don't share anything with him as far as what I've done for fun or what I've bought sense he has been gone. He finds out a lot because of mutual friends, so he'll ask me "did you have fun last night" and I just usually say "Yes" and leave it at that. But he sure loves to share with me. It's like he is trying to get me angry or see how I will react with what he buys for his apt and where he goes (concerts, bars, etc). I just say "Sounds like fun" and don't say anthing more.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I would even tell him you had any fun. He may just be looking for some assurance that D is HELPING you... That was his reasoning, that you would be happier if you were divorced.
Well, if you aren`t happy with the way he is arranging things don`t tell him you are. I am not suggesting you get into a debate, but if he asks if you are happy I would just ignore the question... he`s very likely looking for reassurance... my wife did that to me during her affair.. she was always asking me if I was `feeling ok`... I just gave her the standard glare and she walked away.
I wouldn`t give him ANY POSITIVE reactions right now. If he presses just say that you would be happier if your children weren`t coming from a broken home... that should shut him up.
Your H in particular seems to take temp readings quite a lot.. more than many do... I wouldn`t give him the satisfaction of finding out how you feel... And I would ask your mutual friends to NOT pass info on to H about you... keep him out of the darn loop.
I just get the sense that he`s got a lot of doubts and he`s looking to YOU to reassure him he`s pushing his marriage in the right direction... which he`s not... but if you show him you are happy or tell him you are he will take that as a thumbs up.
The problem is the usual one..he`s comparing a taboo, secret, sexual affair to a day-to-day partnership... the former always looks better in comparison...
You aren`t plan B, to him marriage is just painful and less exciting... The problem is affairs will die out or turn into day to day partnerships too.. and when they DO turn into partnerships they fail 99% of the time... mainly becuase the partners were immature enough to have an affair and think it could work in the first place...
Allen, thank you so much for the advice. I think I've been concentrating so hard on GAL and being the positive happy person that H would be attracted too. I didn't even think about how that might convince him that I would be better off D.
I am planning on NC for the next couple of weeks, and that will really help my mental state.
One other thing, he has been calling me more to ask questions about kids or bills instead of texting like he was before. However the last couple of days I haven't answered and then instead of calling him back I've been texting him back.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I would just ignore the calls unless they are an emergency... tell him this is divorce, get used to it... and tune him out.
I suspect he wants to try divorce and STILL be good friends with you... I would make it clear you don`t want to be friends with someone who does what he`s been doing... and minimize contact and ask your friends to keep him out of the loop if they don`t mind... he`s SPYING on you otherwise... if he wants a divorce he needs to stop sending texts and checking up on you through third parties...
Teach him what divorce is, don`t sugar coat it for him.
You can be a more appealing person without SHARING that warmth with HIM...
I did that all the time, I got on the phone with other people and I was quite warm and engaging... I was everything she would want me to be but I gave HER ZERO of it... she could SEE quite CLEARLY that I was a better person but she also was told by my actions that he isnt`deserving of it right now...
You are basically aiming at playing hard to get... ignore him unless its a REAL emergency
you`re in LRT here, that doens`t mean being warm at all.. it means witholding emotion until he acts in a manner that deserves emotion.. ANGER is an emotion and should be held back too.. give him ZERO
I think the hot vs cold thing is something you can take up with your FT... But given that your H is clearly taking readings rather than being indifferent I would send a CLEAR message that divorce is NOT going to help you or his family...
Mixed messages are a HUGE step back in dbing, and yes I know its very hard to know what message to send... or how...
But one think I did learn from doing this off and on for over two years is that consistency is one of your most powerful weapons.. if you present a solid predicatable front that sends the two key messages you need to, then you are in the best place you can be I think...
1. I want to save my marriage 2. Infidelity and Divorce HARM EVERYONE involved.
I think you are doing OK keeping distant, but be very mindful of what you are saying to him ... he`s going to analyse everything... just like we do here... so you want to make sure you don`t confuse him... Make sure he knows this divorce this is HIS idea and that it is HURTING his family... Don`t confront or anything, but check everything you say against those two points, if it contradicts etiher of them, don`t say it.. its just sending a mixed message.
