I am sure that I do not want a divorce. It disgusts me to think about what the two of them have done. Will I be able to forgive? In time I am sure that I will. Forget, probably never. I can live with that if wife would come clean and profusely apologize. Will that happen? Maybe, maybe not. More like it will be probably not. I will have to move on at that point for myself and my kids.
There could be more to her reasoning for an A than me being unemployed for so long. If she does not tell me or try to work it out, then I will never know. She keeps on about the job, so that is my assumption.
She would have to prove it to me in some way that I would accept in her apologizing for the A. I don't know how I will know. I know it would take time too. I am doing my best to have the best environment that is possible at home, but I do not intend to be a doormat or be more accommodating than I have been. I have given to much, and she is giving nothing at this point. I will give my last shread of dignity I have remaining to her while she has an A with the OM.
Actually give very little criticism to her. It is her that is twisting the dager in our R slowly in my heart. You are right about the money, but I have to do something to assure that we do have money to pay the bill fully. She has made everything her decision all the time. She has to realize that our marriage does have boundaries, and she has to stop crossing them, or there will be consequences.
A solution was found because she knew that if she did not put the money in the rent would not be paid. The may not have happened if I had not done what I did. Had to do!
I appreciate the comments, but I have to do something to take care of myself and the kids.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I identify mainly with Clark Kent, but on some level I identify with both. I know identifying with Clark Kent mostly already gives reason to why my M is failing to some. I understand that. I also know that Clark Kent is loyal to a fault, and I fit that description too I guess. I also know that I have been confronting any and all situations with the will of Superman, granted I don't have his strength.
I understand the dynamics of the love triangle, but it is very complicated to write a short synopsis for me.
Thanks for the questions.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
W asked me if I worked today, but she did not say a single sentence other than that. So, I responded that she did not even say "hi" to me that I will not even answer her question, and I said nothing more. She is so indignant. I am just tired of being the one to communicate like normal people. I would just rather not talk at all at this point.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I know how you feel. My husband used to give me the silent treatment. And it was easy for him, he is kind of a hermit and doesn't like talking to people anyway. So then I would clam up in response. Except, I love to talk. So I was only hurting myself, and making the marriage worse. It didn't get better until we learned to call a truce and accept that we really do need to treat each other at least as well as we would treat a stranger. And you talk nicely to strangers. So we had to drop the attitude and talk nicely to each other. And it made a difference. Of course, it took a neutral party telling us this for us to believe it.
My sitch has become more and more out of hand. It is very disappointing that it is this way. I wish and pray everyday that would change. I have tried to communicate with her better, but it just does not seem to work. She has commented that we need to go to counseling so if we divorce we can communicate better for the kids. When I went to MC, it was for the R and nothing more. All she has to do is end the A,and I think our communication would improve significantly over time.
We both love to talk, but at the moment not to each other. That is so sad. We use to talk all the time.
I wish that I could have some success like you had with your H, but my wife is very stubborn and self-righteous at the moment. She will not take responsibility for anything in our marriage at the moment. I MC tried, but she did nothing to change the attitude, so I do not know why she would want to go back again.
You are so right, I just wish someone could convince her of this fact.
Thanks for the advice, and I will try again sincerely to accomplish what you have suggested.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
My sitch has become more and more out of hand. It is very disappointing that it is this way. I wish and pray everyday that would change. I have tried to communicate with her better, but it just does not seem to work. She has commented that we need to go to counseling so if we divorce we can communicate better for the kids. When I went to MC, it was for the R and nothing more. All she has to do is end the A,and I think our communication would improve significantly over time.
We both love to talk, but at the moment not to each other. That is so sad. We use to talk all the time.
I wish that I could have some success like you had with your H, but my wife is very stubborn and self-righteous at the moment. She will not take responsibility for anything in our marriage at the moment. I MC tried, but she did nothing to change the attitude, so I do not know why she would want to go back again.
You are so right, I just wish someone could convince her of this fact.
Thanks for the advice, and I will try again sincerely to accomplish what you have suggested.
LSG,
Just so you know. Mine is thinking the same way. Its a big, fat and stinky ego. The stuff this ego wants me to cover and the [censored] it wants me to hold is in-credible. Any I used the line "so we can learn to communicate better" to get her in the counseling in the first place.
What I'm saying is maybe these waywards are communicating somehow and its moving far.
Go to the counseling. Let the wife talk, good counselors will not allow it to get too one sided and will attempt to mesh it to a common viewpoint. Do as much counseling as your wife will allow.
I got lucky because its covered on my medical insurance.
I gave up on MC for the right reasons. She was distorting the reality and focusing on what she wanted to achieve instead of anything to do with the R. I do not want to be put in that position again. My goals are different than hers concerning our M. Mine is to save it, and hers is to end it. I think the MC has done far more harm than it has helped.
These days what I would like most is a good nights sleep, and wake up when I want to. I miss sleep more than anything at this point. I just do not rest well nowadays.
Good to hear your wisdom as always.
I hope your M is going okay for you. Make sure that you keep positive about your sitch too. Follow all the advice and feedback you give to others for yourself too.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Tons of wisdom I did not ask for, and much of it I am not using properly, or timely enough, LOL.
My M is not going well, I've been displaced to a hotel room or a little over 3 months. Before that was 6 months sleeping in my own bed in the apartment, a couple nights a month she would lay in the bed with me for a little while. I had a low priority, but out the apartment my priority got even lower.
On the marriage counseling, use a voice activated recorder or write down every point she is using to distort. You have to respond to each of these points later in the session or in the next session so that there is parity and you guys are communicating properly.
In my first session my wife spoke 50 minutes to my 5 minutes. She could not help but to bash me a bit, but I got every bullet point down on paper and rebuttled each of them on paper. I'm going to ask the counselor to let me address these before we start the next session.
I sent my wife a positive email about "I appreciate everything you have done for me", this is back when she was helping me out. The reality which may actually be panning out is I had $$$ then, and maybe she was a "semi pro"... So, that sucks. I do think she was deep in love with me, and infatuation, and passion... But some of these guys are dealing with this "pro" bit and not accepting it. It be the same if she was a stripper or in that group. They have different rules, and they usually aren't going to fall in love with you or be in love with you.
I'm trying to stay positive in it, but I'm in some pain and it feels unhealthy. Plus some affirmation verbal and physical would really help me out, a couple of days in a row would change my entire perception. I haven't had that in several months.
However today I'm told that she doesn't have love for me, and definately is not in love with me. She's moving and not going to tell me the address. But I'm going to get that from the state. She also saw me today, and looked at me in a completely nuetral manner. She feels gone.
I was able to flip my polarity in the gym and get a focused and good workout. I believe I'm going to do "its about me" much of the time, it will be alot healthier than sharing with someone who is not sharing back.
Shoot, I felt better when she was on the "attack".
I still think I have a chance with it, but it feels like at this point I'm going to get alot more up front from someone who doesn't know how far they got over on me. Since my wife got over so far on me, its a lot of "stuff" she doesn't give freely. With other ladies who are attracted I get "it" up front. Thats the delimma.
My wife is a jealous lady though. And even though this piece of crap for a dad, and not good enough to be a husband is getting older.. Some of the ladies still like me. I'm thinking of working this, or just getting the good attention.
Right now while my wife can launch attacks without fear of reprisal, she has no compelling reason why she should "give" to me. I believe she was coached this point by her bull-lesbian aunt.
So its alot of angles. Plus you guys have given me arsenals and strategies to use, even near the last second.
My current strategy is 180, focused on "its all about me" in a positive way, MC inviting wife, Mothersday will be a reasonable gift from the kids, and cleaning up my personal image, mind and physique.
