Oh Time, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Whatever you do though, don't shut it off! Let it out. You've GOT to get those hurt feelings out of you. Otherwise they stay inside and get worse. And you DON'T have to question why you feel what you do, even to yourself!! That is the biggest lesson of my life. You don't have to explain, justify or rationalize ANY feeling you have. They're there for a reason. I know it feels bad and maybe it makes you feel more in control to try to 'figure out' the 'why' and 'how' of them, but try to resist that. Intellectualizing them like that keeps you from feeling them, and you really, badly need to feel them now.

Interestingly, I think letting yourself feel them is the fastest way to get past them; to learn what you need to from them. If you try to suppress them they'll just keep coming back. And each time they come back they'll be stronger and more painful.

Grab a tea towel (kleenexes are useless) and a pillow. Beat the tar out of the pillow and cry if you need to, into the tea towel. And write it out!! Journal all your thoughts and feelings angry, fearful, everything - just scribble them out as fast as you feel them. My IC has gotten me to do this time and time again and it's very healing. There might be questions there that you need to hold him accountable for, in order to continue to heal. So it will help to have a written record of your feelings. That way when your head and heart is feeling a little lighter again, your writing will help jog your memory that even though he's back, there's things you need him to answer to.

Again, I'm so sorry you're hurting so bad. Take care.

I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.