Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Babydoll]

newmama, its the sadness and lonliness that i know i feel after wards and then wish he would just come back. But I honestly feel like I would be doing this to help H create a bond with son. I am weird about stuff like that, i wish H was around to talk to the baby so baby recognizes he voice, and so on. I know they can bond afterwards but who am i to take this right away from him? then i would be just as rotten right? i dont know...

I am telling myself to have no expectations but to have his support as the father of the baby. Am no longer thinking it will change his feelings for me. Yes, i do want H to be close to his son and feel that this is me sucking up my ego and tears and doing what is best for my child... giving him a father who wants so badly to be in his life.

Today I read a lot on detaching, and i am trying LRT but not to win H back. i want to be the best me I possibly can. I know the next few months are going to be hard, and tiring and different no matter what, so I am trying to get strong.

I still do love H and want him back, just need to push that in the back of my mind right now and work on me. If H comes back, we would have to start all over and fall in love all over again... which I know I could do and would love to. But in the event that he doesnt, I need to get strong bc in 2 months another life is going to depend on me. And frankly, I didnt sign up to raise a baby alone... and any help I can get from H would be great... and great for the baby. I need to know I gave it all i got!

Detaching
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[Piano]

We are no longer speaking. He is ignoring me and said to my mother that he is doing it to not hurt me? What a cheap shot!

Cant get myself into Baby mode these days and it scares me. I dont even want a shower with my own family and friends. 4 months later I am more heartbroken than ever. Everyone around me no longer wants to hear it or talk to me about it bc they think i should be over it and only think of the baby. I would agree to that BUT HOW???

BD, it will change. there will be a time when you are speaking, you just need to get there with baby steps. don't panic (yep, easier said than done!!!)

I have also gone through extended moments where i cant think about the baby. normal. Just have a list of the practical things you need to achieve (classes, purchases) and do them in your spare time.

as for the shower, let/ask a friends to arrange it for you. of course you can't do it on your own. I don't normally like gift registries, but you could ask your friend to organise one for you to help on the financial front. you don't need one hundred paris of booties - this is an unusual situation you are in, so you need to be creative. tohers will really want to show their support for you. take ALL the help you can get.

About friends being sick of the story. They are probaly at a loss of what to do. You need just one person to rely on. we are here for you, but you need one physical presence also. If you need a disclaimer for your down moods, day "I am really sorry that I keep talking about this but I really need you just listen to me today...or let me get this off my chest...".

If it helps BD, I spend 80% of my talking time talking about my sitch.

I saw the psych again the other day at hte maternity hospital and he said what i/we are going through is repeated trauma (being pregnant makes it impossible to detach or accept) and that this will take a very, very long time.

You cannot 'get over it' - you are going through a protratced grieving process where this is NO closure because of the baby. No closure.

[newmama]

And frankly, I didnt sign up to raise a baby alone... and any help I can get from H would be great... and great for the baby. I need to know I gave it all i got!

yes...the amount of time that WH spent here (and spends) with S has been very helpful. My friends who are married told me that WH spent more time with S than their H's...and they have good H's! It's just the wacky silver lining is that because your H will want to be with your son, he will BE with your son-like quality time. And you can use that time to take a shower or eat something or sleep, etc. (and GAL when the baby is old enough-probably 3 months or so)

You need just one person to rely on. we are here for you, but you need one physical presence also. If you need a disclaimer for your down moods, day "I am really sorry that I keep talking about this but I really need you just listen to me today...or let me get this off my chest...".

If it helps BD, I spend 80% of my talking time talking about my sitch.

SOOOO true for me as well during this time last year- talking to someone or many really really helped me get through it. My best friend told me that she understood that I needed to talk about it and could as much as I wanted with her. (of course I was sure to not bombard her too much- there is guilt involved in unloading on someone so much!)

You cannot 'get over it' - you are going through a protratced grieving process where this is NO closure because of the baby. No closure.

So true. No closure for our H's either.

[Piano]

BD, one post down but I could write another ten! I've been trying to catch up on 3 pages of your thread - I don't know how I have missed so much but I am glad you have had wiser hands around to speak with...

Things that stand out.

Loneliness and being pregnant. It is TERRIBLE. I feel your pain every step of the way.

Friends. Wishing they would at least be that. Yes. Yes. Yes. But that takes time and the DUST needs to SETTLE.

Practical stuff and him contributing. Only do it if it doesn't disturb the DUST, or do it in ways like NM suggests that allow a safe distance and communication space for you and H. Remember, don't kick up the dust.

Lecturing. I am the worst moraliser I know. I cannot seem to learn. But our H's do not want to be lectured about what they have done is wrong. We think the more times we say it, the more they will GET IT. Wrong.

Back to dust. The dust has to settle, calm has to reign, your voice has to be soft (FOR REAL, not FAKED, imo because they have inbuilt bullshit detectors) in order for him to even begin to hear it.

He will hear it one day.

But he will not hear it when he is being yelled out, told he is a prick, useless, etc. I have learnt this through trial and error, but heck, it's common sense, no?

The classes. Go alone if you can't think of someone who will make it enjoyable for you. The teacher will probably enjoy using you as a 'partner' - word them up before you attend to your sitch and they will be compassionate and not exclude you.
My H came to one of my 5 classes and it was NO FUN for me. It was at a time when the DUST was haywire.

Post birth bonding is more important that pre-birth bonding.

I have come to realise in my sitch the most important thing is to be giving birth to this baby during the EYE of the storm. I am creating that EYE by trying to make peace with my H ( I will write about that on my thread today) because I cannot and willnot bring this baby into a scenario where I as a mother am full of hate and desolation. I am prepared to take the next steps and make 'friends' with my H who WAS/IS my best friend.

I now/currently (yes, I do change my mind as you know) believe detaching is impossible when you are carrying your unborn child and it was created with 'love'. But you can face the reality. the reality is he is NOT your H anymore today. Don't expect H to act like H anymore just cos you still have a marriage certificate.

let HIM go so he can come back a friend. Then after that....who knows......

[Piano]

Actually, I said in the last post "don't kick up the dust". Kick it up and don't kick it up...don't beat yourself when you do kick it up..anger is part of the sitch...

just realise that until the dust does settle, H wont feel safe enough to "back down" on anything.

[Babydoll]

Today's update:

H wants to come to baby doctor appt this week.
H wants to go register at baby store together.
H wants to go to birthing classes starting next week.

[newmama]

So BD are you willing /wanting to let him go to these things?

[gatsby11]

Hey,

I echo NM's question.

It's a really hard decision because you want him to bond with the baby but it makes it harder for you!

I'll support whatever you choose, BD! It will just be a tricky road to detach and see him so much.

[Babydoll]

Of course I would like him to be there...


I know that this is completely for and because of the baby. H will not have a change of heart over night, and none of the activities would make me think he is starting to fall in love with me. I do like the idea that he is taking responsibility for our lives and willing to do something about it, if nothing else to support me and share a bond with the baby. Today I feel calm and truly believe i have no expectations (well maybe just a small tiny bit). But, reality is that in the event that H should ever have a revelation and change of heart, I would imagine its not something he would jump on immediately. I dont think it would happen overnight or while looking at diapers or talking about placentas! Especially not now.

I also think he has done a great job on detaching and is able to separate me and him from himself and the baby.

Now to tell my heart that it will be normal to miss him when i go home, or the next day, and so on, but i'm there now anyways.

What do I have to lose in trying to see how it works?


Now for that tiny bit of hope that i've buried deep inside,
Not only will this be a time for me to gain perspective and stregnth, and train myself to think of him as the baby's father only, but wouldnt this be a great time for me to show H how wonderful I am?

[newmama]

Yes babydoll, you are 100% correct that this is the time you can show H how wonderful you are without pursuing or anything. But you must have no expectations or he will see through it. And yes, it is good to retrain your brain to just think of him as the baby's father! It will be really hard to bond over the baby and not have feelings for him. Just remember that unless he is a stone statue, he will feel something for you as well. Oxytocin is released...he won't be able to help it. But I wish I would have had your mindset back then and "acted as if" I had accepted we would be Ding. It might have made a difference.