Separated since Dec. Divorce final in two more months. Recently started MC. W has been more emotional about things and more open to talk SINCE the divorce was filed than before filing. I sought IC right away. She was in IC, and IC recommended MC. MC has said he thinks he can help us (man I hope so). No OM for her, no OW for me.
Ok, you and your W separated a couple of months after my W and I. Seems like your W is much more mature to at least talk to you about your M and go to MC than my W at this point. I'm sorry to say it but my W is very immature with the way she handles things. She has never liked to deal with a problem head on.
My friends that I told today about my sitch have been awesome. So many of them offered their support. I had a few of them contact me and tell me about their similar sitchs. I had no idea some of them went through the same thing. They gave me some good advice...very similar to the advice given here. In every one of their sitchs, their Ws came back to at least try to work on the M. Some were successful and some were not. It helped give me hope that at least their Ws at least tried to work on the M after some time apart. Their Ws told them the same things like "we're done, it's too late, etc." It was an unbelievable day today with the outpouring of support from my friends. They all told me to remain patient and give my W some time. They all like my W and want to see us get back together. They were all shocked to hear the news.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I have also heard some stories from friends of mine (some even way older than me) and I was suprised that they had stories also. This stuff is not uncommon. Relationships are HARD. This is just my opinion, but I think that one of the reasons that things don't work out for some couples (other than affairs) is that the spouse who was caught off guard typically reacts very badly.
One of the best books I read was The Walk Out Woman. Not everyone will like it since it's from a Christian perspective, but it helped me tremendously.
Another thing that helped me was seeking IC almost immediately. My C advised me to ask questions and listen, so that's what I tried to do. Even if she asked me a question, I'd give a short answer and then say "But I'm not sure, how do you feel about it?"
Thanks again GM. I'm trying to make sure that I don't react badly. I don't want to make things worse. I concerned though because my W has given me zero indication that she would be willing to save the M. It's been 6 months now and she has not budged on being willing to talk to me to see if this maariage can be saved and if so what we need to work on. If I remember correctly your W seemed to have some doubts about D early on in your separation? She gave you some small signs that she might be willing to work on your M. Mine hasn't done that. It's still just no R talk from her, no indications that she would ever be willing to talk.
Learning that she called my friend back in February to see if I had told anyone about our separation really affected me yesterday. I'm still analyzing this today. Why would she care? What would she have to gain by doing this? I have to get over it.
I mentioned that my W's brother and I still get along great. He plays on my soccer team. He brought his fiance to watch our game this past Sunday. It was great to see her again, first time I've seen or spoken to her since my W and I separated. She was very nice and we talked for a bit. We didn't talk about my W or the separation. We caught up on each other lives. I thought it was good that some of the family is starting to feel comfortable to be around me again. I didn't mention my W at all. Seems like the family has no issues with me which is good. I didn't think they would. I'm sure it will get back to my W from these people that I'm doing well and I don't ask about her. That's a 180 for me as in the beginning of the separation I would ask her friends and family what was going on.
I have another C appt. in a couple of weeks. My C says that I should let my W know I have the appt. if she wants to join me and just leave it at that. Not pressure her to join me but just offer the invitation, sort of matter of fact like. I don't know.
GM, I forget, do you and your W have children? I don't think you do but can't remember. My W and I do not.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
My W did indeed question from even before she filed as to whether divorce was what she wanted. She was (and in many ways still is) in a different place emotionally than I've seen her in our M.
You will have to decide on the risk factor as far as C with your W. If I remember correctly, she said she would go several months ago for closure. If I were you, I'd check in with the friends you have been talking to lately and get their input since they know both of you. It may be a risk worth taking at this time, but you need to feel comfortable with it.
Are the two of you not still in contact about the house?
I will agree that my W has been willing to talk to me pretty much this whole time, though the talks have not always been easy. You are correct on the kiddos.
Thanks GM. That's what I thought that your W questioned the D from the beginning of your separation. That's what is so concerning to me because my W has given no indication to want to work on our M. Some days I feel like she never will.
I don't think the time is right for C. I'm not sure if the friends I've been talking to even know if she would be willing to go.
We haven't been in contact about the house since two Thursdays ago, almost two weeks. I had a feeling that once the house went on the market she would reduce the amount of communication. I also think since I sent her flowers last friday for her birthday, she is afraid to contact me because she doesn't want to mention the flowers? I could call or email her with an update about the house to break the ice. We have had some people look at it and had another open house this past Sunday. I did say I would update her regularly so maybe she is waiting to hear from me? I could just give her a quick update. What do you think? Or should I wait for her to contact me for an update. I'm surprised she hasn't contacted me for an update. She has to know that we've had some activity on the house in the past two weeks. I asked the realtor if she heard from my W and she said no. I guess my W doesn't care about the house now either? If I do break the ice to give her an update should I call or email her? I would prefer to call so she hears my voice even if she doesn't answer and I leave a message.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I prefer phone to e-mail. On the phone, tone of voice can give you an idea of her feelings toward you.
I'd call. In divorce busting, it just says don't make FREQUENT phone calls.
Think about the risk, and decide if it's a risk worth taking. Sometimes I don't WANT to talk to my W, but I'm never scared to actually give her a call.
I am telling you 8.... The men who have SUCCESS with women are the men who let the woman go when she acts like she wants out.
They just let it go and leave her alone. She wants out.. Fine. I hear you. I accept it. These men then find out that SHE starts pursuing him after a time of letting go..... YEP... They most certainly do.... They then sometimes reject HER when she comes back (as you friend did when his WS ASKED to come back and he decided he didn't want her)
When she contacts you. Be nice, but make the call short and to the point and politely get off the phone. Women are attracted to busy men. Women are attracted to men who are emotionally strong.. I realize that my 20 plus years of doing this means nothing, but would seriously encourage you to listen to me. You are sounding weak and needy by sending flowers and now looking for an excuse to call. Her not contacting you is your answer for now. Why can't you accept that? Do you need to have her tell you again?
It is ok and good for you to accept what it is. Accept it. Your best chance to get her back is to let her go. It really is.
