BD, one post down but I could write another ten! I've been trying to catch up on 3 pages of your thread - I don't know how I have missed so much but I am glad you have had wiser hands around to speak with...
Things that stand out.
Loneliness and being pregnant. It is TERRIBLE. I feel your pain every step of the way.
Friends. Wishing they would at least be that. Yes. Yes. Yes. But that takes time and the DUST needs to SETTLE.
Practical stuff and him contributing. Only do it if it doesn't disturb the DUST, or do it in ways like NM suggests that allow a safe distance and communication space for you and H. Remember, don't kick up the dust.
Lecturing. I am the worst moraliser I know. I cannot seem to learn. But our H's do not want to be lectured about what they have done is wrong. We think the more times we say it, the more they will GET IT. Wrong.
Back to dust. The dust has to settle, calm has to reign, your voice has to be soft (FOR REAL, not FAKED, imo because they have inbuilt bullshit detectors) in order for him to even begin to hear it.
He will hear it one day.
But he will not hear it when he is being yelled out, told he is a prick, useless, etc. I have learnt this through trial and error, but heck, it's common sense, no?
The classes. Go alone if you can't think of someone who will make it enjoyable for you. The teacher will probably enjoy using you as a 'partner' - word them up before you attend to your sitch and they will be compassionate and not exclude you. My H came to one of my 5 classes and it was NO FUN for me. It was at a time when the DUST was haywire.
Post birth bonding is more important that pre-birth bonding.
I have come to realise in my sitch the most important thing is to be giving birth to this baby during the EYE of the storm. I am creating that EYE by trying to make peace with my H ( I will write about that on my thread today) because I cannot and willnot bring this baby into a scenario where I as a mother am full of hate and desolation. I am prepared to take the next steps and make 'friends' with my H who WAS/IS my best friend.
I now/currently (yes, I do change my mind as you know) believe detaching is impossible when you are carrying your unborn child and it was created with 'love'. But you can face the reality. the reality is he is NOT your H anymore today. Don't expect H to act like H anymore just cos you still have a marriage certificate.
let HIM go so he can come back a friend. Then after that....who knows......
