I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl. Just got caught up. Sounds like things are going well. Just keep in mind that H may go back & forth a few times before he is truly serious about working things out. It's heartbreaking, but my H went back & forth numerous times before finally settling down in the decision to stay. Just stay strong & keep up what you're doing b/c it seems to be working!

[timehealsall]

Thanks Red!

So far so good. He is planning on coming home Monday or Tuesday.

When we spoke earlier he said that he is going to put his hurt aside and
his anger and resentment and try his best to
work on things. So we shall see.

I am going to continue doing what I am doing.

I went to another good session last night.

T says that I am in control and that H is losing it because he is realizing
what he has to lose. She also warned me that he will flip flop for a while before his head is straight. I expected that.

We shall see what happens friends!

[timehealsall]

Have such strange feelings running through me.

Wouldn't necessarily say they are bad though.

Maybe someone can give me some
insight?

H will be home tomorrow. Yes, I'm happy.

But is it normal to feel this way? I feel like part of
me is so over it. Like I waited almost 9 months for
him to get to this point and now that he is there, its like
I wanna tell him to buzz off. I don't know why I'm feeling like this.

I had such an amazing weekend with my kiddies. Hope you all did as well.

[TimeHeals]

But is it normal to feel this way? I feel like part of
me is so over it. Like I waited almost 9 months for
him to get to this point and now that he is there, its like
I wanna tell him to buzz off. I don't know why I'm feeling like this.

If it's not normal, then I am not normal.

[FindingMyVoice]

Yes, I'm happy.
But is it normal to feel this way? I feel like part of
me is so over it. Like I waited almost 9 months for
him to get to this point and now that he is there, its like
I wanna tell him to buzz off. I don't know why I'm feeling like this.

That's interesting - very similar to a question I'd asked my IC at my last appt. I'd told her that although I was happy to see some small positive changes in my H starting to happen, most often I just wanted to smack him one. Very confusing! She said that this showed I was starting to feel the resentment I'd been 'stuffing' down for so long.

So I think it's a really good sign you're noticing feelings like that - good for you for being able to put it into words! It's important to allow yourself to feel them, even though it's uncomfortable. It can help you stay in touch with your personal power.

What do you think THA? Could that be what you're experiencing too?

[timehealsall]

That's exactly it PG!

Like I want to punch him. See him cry
and see him hurt for a change.

I think about him and the OW andy blood boils. But not
like before. Moreso like I think to myself WTF does he think he is? Like how dare he? I can't even bring myself to look at wedding pics. I feel like It's a sham. .

I don't know why I'm feeling like this.

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh Time, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Whatever you do though, don't shut it off! Let it out. You've GOT to get those hurt feelings out of you. Otherwise they stay inside and get worse. And you DON'T have to question why you feel what you do, even to yourself!! That is the biggest lesson of my life. You don't have to explain, justify or rationalize ANY feeling you have. They're there for a reason. I know it feels bad and maybe it makes you feel more in control to try to 'figure out' the 'why' and 'how' of them, but try to resist that. Intellectualizing them like that keeps you from feeling them, and you really, badly need to feel them now.

Interestingly, I think letting yourself feel them is the fastest way to get past them; to learn what you need to from them. If you try to suppress them they'll just keep coming back. And each time they come back they'll be stronger and more painful.

Grab a tea towel (kleenexes are useless) and a pillow. Beat the tar out of the pillow and cry if you need to, into the tea towel. And write it out!! Journal all your thoughts and feelings angry, fearful, everything - just scribble them out as fast as you feel them. My IC has gotten me to do this time and time again and it's very healing. There might be questions there that you need to hold him accountable for, in order to continue to heal. So it will help to have a written record of your feelings. That way when your head and heart is feeling a little lighter again, your writing will help jog your memory that even though he's back, there's things you need him to answer to.

Again, I'm so sorry you're hurting so bad. Take care.

[timehealsall]

Thanks PG. It's like I'm just angry more than anything. I haven't shed a tear in a long time and I am just like whatever.I don't even cry when I think of myself without him. I waited a long time to get to this point. To a point where i could be somewhat not clinging to his every move or word.

I do want things to work BUT I won't do all the work and I won't put up with bullsh!t from him.

I guess I'm also thinking about mothers day. I'd like for all of us (all the moms) to be together and I am pretty certain that if I tell him I want my mom and sister included, he will say no and that if I want to be with them to do that.

Meanwhile, his mom is made a fuss about wanting us to go visit her (out of state) and we told her that right now is a bad time. So she has H and his sister trying to please her to the point that they are getting her a ticket to fly here for
mothers day. It just pisses me off I guess. Considering my family has always been so good to him and he could want nothing to do
with them and yet his mother has been such a thorn in our side and he is doing what he can and meanwhile I'm sure I'll get nothing for MD. Does that make sense? I feel bitter.

I know I shouldn't expect anything but I still feel.

He was a bit of a jerk last night. I was speaking to him and I tried to bust his chops that he is a snob because he wanted me to reserve him a car to
pick him up (I'm working and can't get him and he refuses to wait) and he got snotty with me that i keep throwing jabs at him. Why can't I joke with him? He does it to me all the time?! So he ended the convo and hung up. Haven't spoken to him since. I don't want the bullshit. I really don't.

[FindingMyVoice]

Ah, I get you. Well, anger is a valid emotion to have, given what has happened in your life. Good for you for recognizing it; use it... it can bring you power! I'm really glad to hear though that you're not clinging. Way to go on that! And good for you, for stating that you're not going to do more than your fair share of the work or put up with his doodie.

Oh, and I'm so sorry to hear your concerns about mom's day. I'm glad you wrote about that and put some words to your unhappiness around it. Honestly, I think you should spend your mother's day exactly the way you want to. You don't owe anything to anyone Time; it's YOUR turn this time. Don't do anything you don't want to do, because it will make that bitter feeling worse. And it will only hurt yourself more.

Careful about those 'shoulds'. They're brutal. And sorry to hear about the nasty convo with your H. I wish you guys could go for MC. It sure sounds like you could benefit from someone 'on your side'. I think you'd mentioned it's out of your budget right now, though, right?

[timehealsall]

we went to MC. He went to two sessions and then he stopped (he said he hated that all we did was argue at the sessions) and then he didn't go to the 3rd (and then he went away again) but I have been going. I go every week. It's been so good for me!