Messed up

[jt2007]

Hi Passenger..thanks for stopping by.
its a little envovled and a little boring...mostly my ranting.
Im just trying to keep journal to see where things are and maybe see a pattern that might help me.

Im still looking to find the book.

The first thing that was said is I need to detach...sounds easy but I am so stuck in this phase...

Seems like I really just cant detach.....I feel a little progress towards it but not much.

I feel like there are so many unanswered questions and I cant accept some of the answers he has given me...
Some of the answers I feel like are truth about me and that hurts ..
...and some answers he is giving about himself in truth I just dont want to accept as real, because its such a reaction to the situation that he didnt want to work on with me. But fine for the other woman...??


So I feel unresolved at the situation that seems to not be fixable most of the time(sometimes I get little glimpse of hope that it will do it on its own..then the second reality hits me I say umm no it wont!)

...How can I detach with that nagging unresolved thing hanging around and angel devils talking to me on both shoulders.

I am a fixer upper, and it just me to believe in making up right away...thats why this is so difficult.

Any other thing we would have been upset at or if we hurt eachother, did something little then we would fight for a few and then get over it and laugh the next min.
It wouldnt be held on to.

WHY and WHAT is being held on to by him is whats getting to me...and having to see that in his mind I did something to bring him to that point of not wanting to be open with me/

I dont want the answers..he is giving...because what he is saying I did seems so simple and easy to forgive..

Were those things really that earth shattering and I just didnt realize I didnt understand him?? It seems to simple and easy to forgive what he is saying that I did.

He says he misses me sometimes..but is angry at me to..(why is he so angry at me...I cant stand having someone angry at me..I am not like that personally and never have been..I just cant phathem the "hate" or what ever it is he has for me..I DONT UNDERSTAND..
And I think maybe(not sure if its the real reason)---

That I cant detach because I need answers I need to know its ok...and he is not going to be walking around angry or hurt or upset at me.. ...and I cant make it better.

I just dont understand... it gets so confusing...I feel like Im having my own circle argument somehow..ugg