That hurting him, doenst take my hurt away... I can keep trying though-
H has been in a good mood. Me too. When he is around, I feel more confident about his NC with OW. When he is gone all day I get very nervous.
We did the 5 LL test last night.I am not quite sure he was being honest or saying he likes what I do. His results were WoF 7, PA 6, Quality Time 6, AoS 6, Gifts 5... Hmmm not what I thought was correct and not according to a test we did together 3 years ago. Maybe he has changed, who knows? His results mean I have to do all the above to make him feel loved? High maintenance guy!!
Hey M, I am going to a "stress buster" course with bf, to help his depression (as that is linked with stress/anxiety). They had a piece on worrying too much and I thought of you.. it was about worrying too much about things we cannot change. Its unhealthy to worry so much and this leads to stress and is exhausting.
It suggested if you really cant help worrying about this thing, then alow yourself FIFTEEN minutes a day which is your "worry time" and the rest of the day you dont allow yourself to think about it (e.g: whether or not H is lying to you/still in touch/back in touch with her).. you dont get cross at yourself, just gently tell yourself, I will worry about that later in the allotted time.
As for his LL.. funny, but at least he did the quiz with you, which is quite sweet I think. As for the difficult day ending in sex.. well thats gotta be progress?
As for telling him you want out and being mean, as you said.. you know, these guys left in brutal ways which was about them..but H did (as bf did) have SOME complaints about the old R which led them to wander from us, or justify it to themselves at the time. Just be careful you dont fall back into old patterns?? Its hard though, I find myself resorting to old behaviours very occassionally (and bf does not react well to that).
Hope your dad is ok... xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
That hurting him, doenst take my hurt away... I can keep trying though-
You learn fast ;-) And H has learned too; before he might have reacted. Hurting people often hurt those who love them most in order to feel more loved; many of the EAs/PAs and Ds may be the result of this.
Frank, I used to watch those episodes live when I was a young teenager. It was very interesting that a man like Kwai Chang Caine could gain so much wisdom while remaining so calm, yet when he was forced, he was able to kick the living sh!t out of a bunch of bad cowboys with nothing but his bare feet and fists. And he was getting the intimacy of the ladies in some of the series stories!
The segments they have with the 2 teachers and the young Caine are indeed filled with much life lessons. I keep expecting the blind guy to tell the young Caine what a 180 is.
"His results mean I have to do all the above to make him feel loved? High maintenance guy!!"
No.. you focus on the one that won.
Words. I can kinda see that.
The test is "subjective" to a point. You might float around some. Depending on your "situation". I think the conversations you two have had points to he might be a words guy. He has clearly been wanting to hear from you that things are OK.
You both are in a confusing time. But.. the test just gives you a starting point to figure out where to start. Use simple things to test the theory. Take your #1 and his #1. Suggest that you both focus on that. If you both were Words.. then suggest you both play that up some.
Be creative with how you say it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Kalni, About the getting angry thing... I had different thoughts about that. If you were to use a scale to gauge our emotions. At first we are detached and say our goal is the emotional level of zero. "I don't hate you, I don't love, I have no reponse to you what so ever" Make sense?
Well, the more we reinvest into our hubby's the more the pendulum swings. Now say you are 10 on the love scale but taht makes you to negative 10 on the same scale. You are capable of more anger and hurt since you are reconnecting with him. Make sense.
The connected and in love with him you feel the greater the possibility for feeling greater vulnerability, hurt and saddness.
Remember how on the message boards, A WAS will have a bonding, loving day and then have a pull back the next day?
I think that is what we experience. We can only handle closeness in small doses b/c we also experience pain and hurt with it. So we bond a little, pull back, bond some more, feel more hurt.
I feel, not sure others feel this, that I one day love my hubby soo very much and then the next day really, really hate him.
It's like how can I love someone and hate someone so much at the same time...
Anyhow, that is my thoughts on things.
And plus honestly, I think we want them to feel a little bit of our pain and to test them a bit. If we see they hurt with mean comments, they are having feelings for us. If we see they respond snarky back or in a bad mannor we gain valuable insight as to how much growth they have or have not done. A test of committment maybe.
Your hubby is a big boy and after all he has done. He can deal with a few snarky comments and pull backs. He has to stand strong. I don't expect you to be Mother Theresa. You are going to hurt and react from it. I personally see it as normal, JMHO.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
