how do i keep my hope alive?

[Vulcanized]

i emailed him saturday morning to say i was feeling weird about asking him to leave and to let him know a good friend of ours had recently had her baby. i also said "i miss you" in the email...his response was a one sentence reply: yeah i saw the baby, cute, no worries about the other night, none of this is easy.

no mention of missing me, no acknowleding that i'd even said it. i don't know what i expect from him at this point, but i've tried every other approach, so i thought maybe i'd reach out to him and let him know how much i miss him...and i got nothing in return. who is this man? who is this person who can walk away from me and not look back, who can promise me years and years together and let it all slip away and leave me to start all over again? who is this man who swore to protect me and to make me feel safe, who can turn around and be the one to hurt me so much?

TTA, I know it's hard, and you do miss your H. But from now on, no telling H that, ok? Your H probably does miss you, but you'll be the last one he admits that to.

I understand the trying to reach out. But when you did, H pushed you away and it made you feel worse. To avoid that in the future, let H be the one to come forward; you retreat. It's like when you chase your boxer - he runs. But, if in mid-chase, you stop and run away yourself, boxer chases you. (I assume your dog does this too!)

how do you get to a point in your life when someone who was once the center of your gravity becomes a distant stranger?

For me, and this is cold, sleeping w/OM helped add some more distance for me. H had been doing it for 7 months by the time I finally did it. I never took on much in the way of new talent, but thought, at some point, I'm going to have to, or remain celibate forever.

Before that happened, when ever I felt myself wanting to reach out, I just pictured H w/OW [a/k/a fat f&*king wh*re]. Remember how H had me taking care of dog so he could take OW to NYC for her b-day. And how H did nothing for my b-day last year, other than a begrudgingly short appearance @ the party that my friends threw me.

In the beginning of my sitch, I idealized H. Now, I remember his greatest hits of un-awesome. I remember that H chose ffw over everything; it helps me to maintain distance. H's decisions are about HIM, not you.

Hope that helps.