Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Thank you, June. I'm upstate, near the capital. I just want to talk to H, scream at him, shake him until he wakes up from this fog of guilt and obligation he's stuck in.

I think I'm going to take an Adenol tablet today, my stomach is already an anxiety-riddled mess just waiting for H to call. I can't imagine it's going to get any better.

[flowmom]

Ugg! I have no really great words of advice. I can clearly see that you are really suffering, big time. You're really in pain over this and I am so sorry. Please know the hurt and feelings that you are processing now will slowly, over time dwindle down.

To go through something like this is to suffer. You have so many things that you had hopes for only to have them dashed in an instant. You suffer not only for you but for your son's life without a full time dad.

It's horrible, I feel for you.

You really are traumatized at the moment and I can tell that logic is a distant friend right now. I can see that emotions are overwhelming you.

You are in good company, I am sure that many can empathize with you. Look to them as your guide to make it past this "blackness". let them light the path back to wholeness.

It's totally ok to fall apart as a human being. Wallow in it for a while, accept it. But when you are ready- you will have to pick your self up, put back the pieces of your life together again and learn to live your life with new meaning. To gain a new focus.

Of course- I do not think anyone here today, right now expects you to start the path to recovery. I think they are all rooting for you to speed through the "shock and grief" phase quickly and not prolonged.

I just hope that you do not get "stuck" in the grief phase. It's a horrible place to be and it live it constantly for a prolonged time would be...(I can't find the right word)....wrong. Wrong for you and your son.

It is much harder since you share a son, but detaching definitely will retrain your mind to focus else where.


Ever have a panic attack? You mind races with the same thoughts over and over and you feel like you can't turn it off. Same concept here. You need to find activities to occupy you mind and eventually you mind "forgets" the racing thoughts that plague you. It's almost a like you are tricking your mind.

So join some meetup.com groups, join a support group, go to the movies, or events. Fill your mind up with other extransious (sp?) stuff to take your mind off your hubby. Hell, that your son on a vacation to Disney...

Do any and every activity to get your mind off your hubby. It is the only way that I know of that works.

Like a victim of a violent crime, eventually the thoughts of the events play over and over and over in your mind. And some day- no longer is the severe pain invoked like the first time it actually happened. Make sense? You grow accustomed to the horrible event you can see it and little emotions occurs.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

^^^ Everything that June wrote.

You are going through a horrible experience. Please just make sure that you are not adding to your own suffering by being hard on yourself. Pretend you are a child who is in terrible pain, and treat yourself as that child deserves to be treated.

(((Mystik)))

[june72]

Can you write in a journal- I always thought it was psychology crap but honest to goodness I think it helps.

I would write long emails to my hubby cursing him out and ripping him to shreads and save them to the draft box. It felt good b/c these emails were almost sent to him.

Just don't do what I did once and accidentally send one stating that I missed him so badly. Opps! Boy was I an idiot. I had to immediately send another stating I had sent it in error. Ugg!


OK, I thought maybe we lived close by, but I live by the Niagara Falls. I was going to try and see if we could do a mom's out for the day event- you know pampering with pedi/mani, dinner, movie, etc. But you can do that with your sister, right?

I am telling you joining some meetup groups saved me from falling down a dark hole of misery...
I just checked your area and there are 172 meetup groups by you. One is a single parents meetup, maybe there would be others in this group that know what you are going through...
Just a thought.... not saying you follow up on this...

[Mystik]

I'm in that numb, detached stage still. Not sure if it's from the Adavant or whatever it is I took earlier today or just my brain naturally protecting myself. Had a little breakdown at my brother's. It's so hard when I love him and everyone thinks the best thing to say to me is I'm better off without him, that there's someone out there who will treat me better, blah blah blah. Those words don't take the pain away or make me stop loving him.

H did try to call me right after I got to my sister's and DS was outside playing so I ignored it. I expected him to call back but he didn't. If he had called back I'd have passed it off to DS.

[Mystik]

Went to my sister's to have cake and ice cream for my mom's birthday and left my phone at home. Had two texts from H when I got home, the first one saying to call him, he misses DS and wanted to see him. The second one was an hour later saying he was getting DS from school tomorrow. I had DS call him and left the room, waited until DS was done talking to return. DS said H wants me to call him but I'm just not ready. I know he's only going to yell at me for not answering his call his morning or answering his texts. Just hearing his voice gets my stomach all worked up from anxiety. So much for going dark until Wednesday.

I want him to miss DS, I want him to realize what he's walking away from, what he's throwing away for his tramp and the baby she tricked him into. He needs to realize that by leaving he is giving up open access to our son, that it will be scheduled when and for how long he gets DS, no more coming and going as he pleases.

Not sure what to do about tomorrow. Be a b!tch and say no, or let him go because I have nothing planned and I know DS will enjoy it?

[newmama]

Mystik first, I am impressed that you are leaving the room when DS talks to your H.

Second, do you have a visitation schedule in place for when H sees DS? It really helps because it cuts down on the communication and also helps DS know when he will see H. If there are special occasions, sure those can be worked out. But otherwise, not need to pick up DS randomly after school some days and not others.

Third, take anti-d's or anti-anxiety or whatever you think will help you get through this. Of course it goes without saying that you don't want something that will make you oblivious to your S (some anti anxiety meds totally do that) but I don't need to tell you that.

Fourth, venting away on here, reading other people's posts and having someone you can call will really really help you get through this part.

Fifth (sorry didn't realize I had so many points!) Your L has restored my faith in Ls...wow...I had no idea some would not want your money and tell you it is too soon to file!!! Seriously!!! Stick with that L!!! Good job contacting one though!

We are here for you--post post post!

[Mystik]

Newmama, we do have a visitation schedule in place, with the directive "changes can be made as both parties agree" which we already changed it. Might go back to court to have the changes made permanent though, or have the changes written up and notarized. Because I was so hopeful of H coming back I was very lenient with letting H have access to DS pretty much whenever he wanted. Will have to rethink that now, no more being such a doormat.

[june72]

Yup, he needs to feel consequences

[Mystik]

Broke the NC to text about tonight. with t-ball
the schedule is a mess. he is taking ds tonight to make up for not seeing him this weekend as well as taking him on Saturday for an overnight instead of the usual Friday to Sunday. I said after t-ball is done we need to get on a set schedule. He agrred and I didn't answer, going dim/dark again.

[Mystik]

Wow, posting from my cell phone makes room for errors. Sorry for the bad spelling in the above post.

Doing ok today, not great but not as bad as I have been. Had a consultation with a lawyer today, she had pretty much the same information as the other one. The ball is in my court, he can file divorce but he has no grounds so it won't go anywhere. Our best option, unless I file first, would be to do the separation and as soon as that's filed do what's called a "default divorce" which is converting the separation to a divorce on the grounds of constructive abandonment which is the least volatile of all the filing options. She agreed with me that our current visitation schedule is too erratic for DS, it needs to be more consistent. As well as getting him home earlier during the week, now that he's in school getting home at 8:30 at night during the week is ridiculous. She also agrees that I should not be forced to drive half-way to H's house, he should do all the driving. She suggested I try talking to him and see how agreeable he is, then if he has a fit and refuses to go along file in family court where they will make him go along because my requests are not unreasonable. She suggested I bring DS back to his counselor he saw before to be re-evaluated, to make sure with all the recent drama that DS isn't internalizing anything and not letting me know because he doesn't want to upset me. I think I'm going to wait until after t-ball to bring up changing the visitation schedule, right now I'm still too raw and in pain to talk to him, hopefully by the middle of June I'm in a better state.

H texted me three times tonight, I didn't answer. He first said DS's shorts are too big, then said he looks so cute, is growing up really fast and lastly said that I do a good job picking out clothes for him, thank you. No real reason to respond so I didn't.