You inspired me to keep detaching and to stop being a doormat. I was about ready revert back to my old self. I know I will never go back to that person after reading your thread.
Thanks and keep up doing what you are doing!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I LOVE those Dos Equis ads, robx -- good for you. Can you think of an equivalent attitude that works for women (ie, impresses and intrigues the opposite sex)? I'm trying very hard to keep my cool in light of my husband asking for a D, leaving the house and, from the circumstantial evidence I've found, having an OW. I think I'm doing pretty well so far, but was never much of a flirt or vamp even when I was younger. Too no-nonsense for that. But what would help from my end?
Any ideas are most welcome!
H 42 Me 47 DS 7 T 18 M 16 Bomb: 4/20/10 H leaves to live at Mom's: 4/30/20
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1990503#Post1990503
I'm going to tell you what worked for me, and what will work for you... DATING aka SOCIAL INTERACTION with members of the opposite sex. Nothing says "movin' on" like dating and being with someone new.
I know, you're going to say, "but I can't do that, I'm married, I vowed to be true to my spouse, I can't resort to doing that, I'll be no better than my spouse, etc. etc." and a thousand other equivalent excuses.
Start going to the gym, start tanning, get a new hairstyle, get some new clothes and shoes, start going with your girlfriends more, if they don't go out, find some new girlfriends that do, drinks at lounges, make yourself look good and all dolled up. Date other men, it doesn't have to be serious, and I'm not asking you to hump the first pair of trousers that you go out on a date with but you need to do it. You need to know that you CAN do it. You need to know you have options, when you know you have options, your confidence will increase and it will be at a place it hasn't been in a very long time, you'll see that it's your husband's loss and you'll move in the opposite direction, instead of pursuing him you'll let go and move on and when he notices that his wife is no longer waiting for him and that she is doing the same thing as he is doing, it will give him a dose of reality. Heck if you haven't already file for separation or divorce. Nothing inspires people to action more than fear of loss & crisis. And if after all of this you get no change out of him, guess what, you have your answer as far your reality is concerned.
Those are my ideas, you are free to do whatever you would like with them.
Do you really need to actually date other folks to know you can do it?
Seriously, dating other people isn't difficult. Wanting to keep dating them after a while is a whole other ball game... as is wanting to stay married to somebody who keeps messing with you.
I know if my W and I were to actually divorce, I sure would be dating... often and a few concurrently when possible.
But that's a boundary I am not crossing while married.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
you know,I went to an accidental dating event through meetup.com. I thought the event was something else based on what was described. But I decided to go along; throughout the mingling a couple of things happened: 1) I was pleased to see that other men were interested in me 2)I realized if I wanted to date, I could 3) I was not ready! But the point is that just by getting out there and seeing points 1 and 2, it really helped me to feel good about myself and start noticing if men were checking me out in my every day life.(I always try to look my best when out and about as well) It has shown me that when I am ready, and if I wanted to, I could find someone else! lol!
Last edited by newmama; 05/03/1009:35 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Do you really need to actually date other folks to know you can do it?
Seriously, dating other people isn't difficult. Wanting to keep dating them after a while is a whole other ball game... as is wanting to stay married to somebody who keeps messing with you.
I know if my W and I were to actually divorce, I sure would be dating... often and a few concurrently when possible.
But that's a boundary I am not crossing while married.
You ask a good question, "do you really need to ACTUALLY date other folks to know you can do it?"
My answer... YES.
Knowing something and doing something are two different things and both are going to yield different results. The feeling you will get from actually dating is going to be different from what you assume it will be. A lot of people on these forums with low confidence levels need the confidence boost that is obtained from knowing they have options. Yes it's external validation and I prefer to be internally validated but external validation has it's place as well so don't knock dating.
While I do agree with Rob, for those of you who have a problem with dating while you're still married, you don't have to date to have social interactions with members of the opposite sex.
newmama's group activity is one example. I used to go hang out at a sports bar to watch football. I got lots of male attention being a single woman alone and even moreso when they realized I was really there to watch football and knew what I was talking about! I got to practice flirting and turning the undesirable ones away. My self-esteem got a much needed boost and I knew that BF was not the only fish in the sea and I can still bait a hook, cast a line, and reel them in. I got lots of attention and several phone numbers. All this from once a week outings for about 2.5 months.
Yes, it's external validation. I even discussed this with my IC and he was fine with me doing it. The point is that it changes your attitude about yourself. And that comes across to your WAS even without telling them. Once BF realized that I wasn't sitting around waiting for him and that I certainly CAN find someone else he started to change his tune.
Additionally, I did lose a lot of weight, bought a bunch of cute, new clothes that were a somewhat different look, changed my hair style, did tons of GAL activities and started having a genuinely good time.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Knowing something and doing something are two different things and both are going to yield different results. The feeling you will get from actually dating is going to be different from what you assume it will be. A lot of people on these forums with low confidence levels need the confidence boost that is obtained from knowing they have options. Yes it's external validation and I prefer to be internally validated but external validation has it's place as well so don't knock dating.
Absolutely, Rob.
Whether or not H knows I'm dating - ptth. I don't care. I know I am. AND it is very, very good to remember that there is a whole big world out there filled with interesting, handsome, funny men, some of which make an effort to get my attention, unlike cheating H.
You are absolutely right that the experience w/(my cheating) WAS is ego shredding, putting it mildly. Getting some much needed external validation has sure put a magnificent pep in my step. Whether or not H gets w/my new program is up to him; his loss if he doesn't.
Hell, I'm currently dating a much younger man & having a blast! H traded down and I've kinda traded up ...
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I got lots of attention and several phone numbers. All this from once a week outings for about 2.5 months.